How do I know if it is MLC

[bright 2 morro]

How do I know if my H is going through a MLC? Everything seemed fine approximately 5 weeks ago, then he got "depressed". Since then he has found a new W and moved out. He says that he loves me and cares about me but is not in love with me and he is unhappy. He pretty much dropped everything he used to like. He is like a completely different person. New friends, w, and activities. He does not want anyone to know what is happening. He gets mad because some of my friends know. This somewhat tells me that he is embarrassed by his actions, knows he is wrong, but can not stop it.

Today he told me he is starting to look for a lawyer to proceed with legal seperation.

I quite honestly think I may be slightly releived. I guess it makes it easier to move on when you know this.

Can someone offer some input? If this is MLC, what do I have to look forward to? Is there still hope or should I just stop and move on with my life?

I appreciate any insite I can get.

mimi

[Imageer]

Mimi,

Sorry to see you here but you have come to the right place. There are many good people here that can offer you great advice. Far better than I can offer. All I'll say is that there is a bunch of resourses at the top of the forum that can help you to understand what you are up against. I suggest you read them.

Strap yourself in and hold on, you're in for a ride.

[bright 2 morro]

I have read some of the posts. I am just not sure if he is in MLC or if this is true. I am already, ready to be done with this. I am so alone and having to take care of 3 little ones. I may not weather the storm.

Especially now since he is positive it is over and is filing for a legal separation.

[Rollercoasterider]

this wil be brief...no time right now.

But MLC or not Hope is never gone.

Why don't you list for us they why's and why nots for MLC?

Yes you have three little ones. And this will be VERY HARD whether you STAND or not. But in the end...which may be years away, what will be best for them. The two of you healed and together, or two households and perhaps step families.

I'll tell you as a stepsibling and daguhter and child of divorces since 3-4yrs old that it does damage and the pain is always there. Sure we heal...with scars. Sure I'm fine, and I would have ahad a much different childhood with my parents together. Perhaps with less counseling and disruptions at school. Less being the tennis ball. Less hearing that the check is in the mail and how my parents couldn't stand each other. Less of my Dad's girlfrineds--they just kept coming and coming...and two marriages after my Mom who was his second wife--he's still with his fourth and final wife after 20 years--whew.

You have not been in this very long at all. And you are right. You may not weather the storm. But you are less likely to weather that storm if you believe you will not.

They are all positive it is over. Some are positive two years later...and are home now.

But understand...NO MATTER WHAT this is going t be hard. There are no easy ways out.

HUGS,
RCR

[bright 2 morro]

Ok, I will list the course of events that have happened and maybe someone will better be able to help me.

1 Since maybe October/November he has slowly backed off of helping me with things (without complaining). Slowly stopped wanting to do things with me or anyone. Slowly stopped calling friends and parents. (I only just noticed this step).

2. Over the past months he complained that he had no friends and withdrew to his gaming online (yes, it was gaming) but it got to the point that it over took his life. I did not think much of the first two steps until it got real bad and I asked him for more time and attention. We still did things together but not like before. Slowly lost interest in shows we watched (now does not even watch them).

3. One day we got into an (minor) argument and then all of a sudden he said that something in him had snapped and he was unhappy in our marriage and that he has felt this way for a very long time. (This is two days after he told me he was always going to be here for me and loved me and would support me through somehting).

4. He agreed to counciling. After the first session, I decided to take the kids to visit my parents. He stayed home and I guess decided to go to a bar (never been drunk in his life). He hung out with a W from "work" at this bar and called me the next day and said he was so drunk he slept in his car.

5. All the that is when it started down hill. He told me he loved me and cared about me but he was (and has been) looking for happiness and wanted to go see if the grass was greener.

6. Since then he has been seeing someone else and hiding it from me even though I told him I already knew. He moved out and said he was getting an apartment but has yet to do so (3 weeks later). He is not even paying for Hotels (which I know he stays in most times). He told me a friend was paying for them (now I am not that stupid). He also let on that he has a new cell phone. I asked him if he bought one and he said, no I just got one.

7. Since this R gets more and more involved he pulls farther and farther away from me in the kids. He resorted to not answering calls and not calling for days. He will not tell me where he is. He stopped going to counciling.

8. He gets angry at me still for everything. He is blaming me for the kids knowing what is going on (even though, they are not dumb, they can see that he is gone). He does not even take responsiblity for that.

9. He is not making any move to sell our house (can not afford both apartment and house). Or legal separation (he talks about it but does not do anything, same with apartment). Does not want to talk about anything that has to do with responsiblity.


What is the deal with him letting the ow pay for everything? Is this part of it? In my opinion we are on the 3rd phase of this already. Well, that is if this actually is a MLC. He does not talk to any old friends. He refuses to talk to his dad and only talks to his mom when he has to and nothing about what is going on. If I am correct, approximately how long does this stage usually go on and how long should I expect to be "left out" of his life.

Goodness, I miss him so much and want him back. He was not only my husband but my best friend.

Please help.

Thank you
mimi

[HalfMissing]

Oh mimi, your situation is similar to mine. My H did your steps 1,2, and 3 and then told me he was in love with a woman he met in the online gaming world. He started pulling away and saying he was depressed in October. Looking at phone records, I learned that was when he met his OOW. Everyone here will tell you that you are at the very beginning and it could be years if ever before he comes out of it. I don't know if my H is really in MLC or just a WAS, but does it matter? You need to decide if you want to try to wait, and then your actions are the same in either case.

I don't know how long I can wait things out either and I am still near the beginning too. Everyone tells me to kick him to the curb and get a divorce but then I remember that he was my best friend for 23 years and how much I want him back. I see a counselor tomorrow, so maybe she can help me start to figure out what I really want to do. I think if I am not sure what to do, I should do nothing.

[bright 2 morro]

Ok, that was really reasuring. Thank you for the support. Is there any possiblity that this will not be years. Or is that the typical?

How long do relationships like he is in last before he gets "bored" or she gets "bored".

[fig]

there is no typical time frame other than a very very long time. Years are what I have heard. Sometimes they get bored with the OP...sometimes they divorce us and marry them and/or come back later...

there is no specific or set time frame

[bright 2 morro]

So what are my best chances of making it through this? Or do I even want to? Do I continue to wait or do I move on without him? I have a lot of things that need to be done. I am afraid to let go. What if this is not a mlc and he comes back in 6 months? How do I understand what to do?

mimi

[HalfMissing]

I don't know either. Maybe you should do what I am starting to do, see a counselor to help you figure out what you want to do. I started looking into divorce just to see what the laws in my state were like, and it scared me silly. I do not think I am the kind of person who can wait years, but I think I might be able to wait for at least a few more months and then re-evaluate. You don't have to make a decision to wait forever. I started by telling myself I would have hope for three months and would then re-evaluate. You have to consider your financial situation and religious beliefs too in deciding what the best move is to make for you.