Can filing for D bring back a spouse?

[LuckyLuke]

Hi all,

Can filiing for D bring back your spouse? Now that things are 'serious'? Is this a strategy after others have failed?

We would have between 6 months and a year before the D became final.

More details on 'Wedding band now gone - hers that is', for those interested.

Thanks -

Luke

[jamespb75]

My W and I were seperated for three months with NO hope of reconciling, then X-mas came and we started but there was no intimacy at all. the PA was going on all along. I caught her a month later and things went really bad. Then I moved back in against her wishes and things were on and off. She told me she wanted to reconcile four different times before, we finally are right now. My heart got ripped out everytime she told me she was through. She held D over my head whenever things didn't go her way or we were fighting. Untill I put my foot down and made it seem like I was ready for a D, or when I did file, that's when reality hit.

Thats the key of making it work, if there is even a 1% chance it will work, reality has to set in. The only way to do that is to follow what the book says, and try all the different techniques. Find one that works. Mine ended up being the Ultimatum, but I tried every technique before that. I went through HELL, but now it is worth it. The one thing you MUST remember, if you file for a divorce, you MUST be willing to go through with it. When I filed, I was ready and done trying to work on the marriage. we both spent $2500 on Attorneys and then two weeks later, we decided to work on things. Don't file just because you are trying to get her back. File because you want a divorce. If you file, you have to look at a 10% chance of reconciling, which means 90% chance of divorce!
Good Luck!

[LuckyLuke]

Hi James,

I am glad to hear that your brinksmanship paid off. My W said a few months ago that there is no point in trying to reconcile, as things are too far gone, so no chance of counseling helping, and so she has been carrying on with an EA (maybe PA, but I doubt it, as I believe OM is in another country).

But I've never said I want a D, only she has (three times). Now that three years of the LRT (with zilch affection from her), taking over the cooking, running a marathon, taking her and the kids to Japan, etc. hasn't paid off, maybe cold reality is the only way...

Perhaps saying that I saw a lawyer to discuss D will help already...

D here in Sweden is pretty simple: you download a form from the Internet, both sign (or one does and the other gets a note), you pay 70$ and send it in. 6 months later, unless you stop the process, you are divorced. Goods are shared 50/50 unless a prenup or similar contract exists.

I just am tired of sleeping alone (3 years now, with a bomb drop once a year) and having her receiving text messages and calls (for which she needs to hide away) on her silent ring cell phone.

Maybe one more DB phone session can help before this nuclear option enters the picture - not sure what is left though -

Great that filing for D is a possible strategy and that it worked for you.

Thanks from a raincloudy Sweden with passing showers -

Luke

[jamespb75]

Well, Good luck to you. I wouldn't have lasted three years, I feel that true happiness was me being happy with myself. And everytime I quit showing her I wanted to fix it she would show interest. Once she showed interest, I feel into the repetative trap of her having her cake and eating it to(along with ice cream)haha. I can't say this will work for you, but I got to the point where it was now or never. Never looked more promising, and I was willing to go that route. If your not, you can not file, you need to try to completely detach 100%. If you want to be happy, then you need to make yourself happy, I let her control my emotions, it lead to fights, and it lead to me being happy. But the fighting was more than not. She had a boyfriend and untill she found out the grass was brown on the other side, and She realized what I could give her, then she gave me a chance.

I wish I could help more, but you need to be happy.
What will you do to make yourself happy? the answer is not reconciling your marriage, because you can not do it on your own.

[runningoutoftime]

Maybe... but don't count on it.

Now here's the bigger question.... If you have kids, do you want to raise them or do you want some other guy to raise them?

[RedHeadWife]

I don't know about actually filing, but it took my H saying he wanted a D and being very serious about it to wake me up to how bad our sitch was.

[LuckyLuke]

Hi again,

I’m back in the States for a week now, and have a question. W has been oddly nicer of late, pointing out things that I might like, bringing me tea, making friendly conversation, etc. I am not sure why this is – perhaps she saw my previous post here (I left my pc running while gone once, with the DB window still alive but minimized) or maybe she is feeling guilty about OM (she has been missing for a solid hour a few times now, always in the late afternoon, but I have not challenged her on it, even though I once had to turn the heat on the onions she left frying off or we would have had charcoal or a fire instead of dinner) or maybe she wants to honestly work on our marriage. The signals are, as usual, mixed, with her mysterious absences (negative) and her being nice to me (positive).

Do you think it is worth asking her if she wants to work on our M? The intention is twofold – to get an answer to the question and to decide the next step. If she says no, then I think the next stage would be a face to face and tell her I saw a divorce lawyer. I wouldn’t say that a D was definitely coming, but that getting a D was on my mind. Perhaps the shock of this will be therapeutic and hopefully a discussion will start. (If she wants to work on our M, then I would ask her how, and let her call the shots as she is the tough nut here).

What do you think about asking this question by email? Doing so might have the advantage of less passion? Sort of a on neutral cyber gound, as it were?

Ran around Walden Pond in the early morning yesterday, with a few, older fishermen out, a lone swimmer in a wet suit, fresh green trees rimming the water, a hazy red sun coming up in the east –

Now on a plane to Denver and Orange County and work –

Luke

[NewHorizons]

Luke,

Don't mention divorce unless you're ready to use that stick if she doesn't pull her head out.

An important thing is to get her back in your bedroom so working on the relationship is key. If you use the D bomb then be prepared to do it. Don't use it as a threat. You simply explain either work on getting back into the bedroom and into the marriage or divorce. You'll work it out. Good Luck! Lycka Till!

OTB

[LuckyLuke]

Ola OTB -

Just reading "too good to leave, too bad to stay", pretty good, methodical book that helps you decide (and I will propose using this book to W) whether to stay or go. If she decides to use the book, and to stay, then I'll ask her how we can improve things.

I'll answer the questions in the book on my own too, so I should have a better handle on whether it is better staying or going.

Vad hander i Sverige? Hur ar det med dig?

Gotta run -

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

Hi there -

Well, I am now heading back home, to a few days with W and kids, when we'll have a cousin of mine and her family come up and visit. W said she will not be home so much, got to work, is that okay - I said sure, we'd have dinner together on Saturday in any case.

W had a minor crisis a few days ago, having to quickly buy new expensive software for her work, something I then organized while over here. She was appropriately thankful, but her tone is still distant - all her emails sign off with 'have a good day' -

I am off to Germany all of next week for work, then finally home late next Friday night.

When will this cold demeanor change? Ever?

Still plan to have a face to face talk at some nice restaurant and ask what she wants to do. The "too bad to stay, too good to leave" book is really helpful - a help in making the decision whether to stay or leave, and I will recommend it to her. If after reading it, she thinks it is better to leave, then it probably is (unfortunately). With the absurdly easy no fault, no alimony, 50-50 split of everything and of the kids, Sweden would at least make the legal side relatively painless...

The emotional side would be another story ... but that bridge is still not visible ...

Random thoughts -

Sunny, John Wayne airport, clatter of cups from below, fragments of people talking, jets taxiing by -

Luke