Sure you GAL,lose 57 lbs. and are doing new things and you see some results.... Had a great 10 days with my walk away husband as I think he broke up with the OW but tonight he is back with her and has spent $2000 on our credit card for a trip for her, has cashed in $17,000 of his stocks and is going to basically put us in dire straits soon. Yes, he is still paying all the bills here but I can't afford this house on my own and he knows that which is why he is paying the bills. Someone give me a clue of how I can protect myself financially. Within 2 years he has us $60,000 in debt and it keeps going up. I am forever grateful for the 10 days we had but I am admittedly scared.....not of losing him but of losing everything we have worked 16+ years for.
DSH Me: 36 H: 36 Bomb: ILYBNILWY 2005 OW: Likely sometime in 2006 (denies it) Moved Out: 2/3/07 left with no warning, left most everything here except a few clothes, says I am not to blame that I am a great person and that he just got tired of marriage. Ummmm....that sounds good but now you are living with another woman and her child. I'm thinking thats more responsibility than me and my doggies ever were : ) : )
I'm really sorry to not catch up on only nine posts--but it is only 9:19 here...and cinco de mayo...I'm in the middle of fun.
Okay. I admit, we go to bed early...so we are at the end of fun--this is like after midnight for us!!
So I have not caught up on only nine posts. BUT...I noticed that you have nine posts, and the first post is 9 months after your register date. You posted once, then second post three months later, then two months later and then APRIL 2007--like six months later.
We can be wonderful supporters...but only if you let us in.
You say the OW showed up sometime in 2006...and yet your register date is 2005. My main interest right now is what made you registe? Can you give us the history that led you here and up to now?
It's been so much it's hard to recap. Yes, I am a very private person so asking for help is very hard to do which is why it took me so long to open up a little with this group. I joined in 2005, thinking something might be wrong with my marriage. I had no idea just how bad a shape it was in or was headed for. I did all the wrong things in the beginning when I heard the same ole line - ILYBNILWY and when I found this group I started to change. Last summer was my wake up call for myself. I started GAL and began exercising and losing weight and felt God calling me to stand for my marriage. So, I stand. I just learned of the OW in the past month or so. Which made a lot of things make sense that has happened in the past year. I haven't really confonted him about the OW. I just admit I am confused. My heart says to stay on the rollacoaster, my head tells me I am letting myself be his doormat while he puts us in financial ruins. That's about as much as I can offer right now as a recap. I've tried to forget most the ugly details. Appreciate any help.
I can so relate to what you are posting here...my H also ran up HUGE debt...even refinancing our home to pay it off only to run it up again...this time the house was more then I could afford also...we ended up moving in with family and renting out our home...that was a disaster on both ends..
You don't mention how long you have been married...if you have kids (you mention the doggy)....but how you can protect yourself depends on those things...
One thing I would do pronto is get a legal separation...the start date should be the first time he moved out...this is where any debts he aquires become his own...this is to protect you from future debt...cancel all joint cards...you don't want to be sucked into his financial ruin...find out if they are "joint" or if you are an "authorized signer"...if you are an authorized signer you can request your name be removed and you won't have any obligation to that debt....as a joint signer you are responsible...and to the credit companies...not just 1/2...if H doesn't pay they will want it all...
I am sorry I couldn't be more positive...in the end we had to sell our home...in the end he ammassed $120,000 in debts...in the end I got stuck with $17,000 of his debts because I was named on the card...I didn't want my credit in the toilet because of his foolishness...
My H also left without warning...in the middle of the night,no less...didn't say bye to the kids...and only took his shaving kit...he never came back for his clothes, shoes, underwear, suits, ties, pants, guitars, CD's....nothing!!!...even family heirlooms were left with me...of course he said he would never live with me again too...guess where he is right now???...yep, in bed in OUR room...I rented an apartment to get away from living with family...me and the kids are doing good...H is a mess, physically and mentally...but he is improving...he really damaged himself in the long run...a lot more then I "allowed" him to damage us...
Hang in there...let this group help you...it is going to be devistating before it is all over...and you will need someone to talk to...
We have been married 16 years and 8 mths. No kids. Just my dogs. I own my own business and rent the building I use and I could support me IF i can by my own home with land. I can't do any of this for now as his name is on the lease, etc., etc.
I don't know what state you live in, but if you can file for legal separation, that may your only recourse...otherwise, like many here, you will be financially decimated b/c of HIS spending. Do you live in a community property state?
you say he still pays the bills...does he keep everything current? Are the dogs with you?
I know you are private but as RCR says, give us more information and we can give you more guidance.
Hugs, Valentine
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
Yes, dogs are with me. I am living in our home. He is still having the same amount of his paycheck put in our checking account. I am paying the bills and all are current. Really the only thing that has changed is that he doesn't live here. I honestly don't know what type of state I live in. Guess its time for a talk with an attorney.
I've just seen SO many positive things in the past 2 weeks, I am hesistant to file a legal separation. I dunno.
I've been on this bb a while and generally just check in sporadically on folks whose sistchs I know from before, don't have a lot of time to spend on the bbs, but the title of your thread caught my eye. As onceuponatime mentioned my H and I didn't have kids either (mutual choice) but unlike your H and hers, who seem to fit the "droplet" example of a WA described in Sally Conway's book about MLC, mine is completely off the map -- moved cross-country 2+ years ago to be w/ OW2 (old high school gf) and her kid, he has settled down w/ them and only contacts me for business reasons. He left abruptly early 2004 (ILYBINILWY) and never looked back. Like you, 'til then, I thought I had a wonderful happy M for 15+ years, all Ms have issues but I didn't think anything that would break us up and certainly not like that. Like you I'm from a no-D family (but H's parents had split after about 15 years of M). He finally filed for D a few months ago and though I don't believe in D I saw it was inevitable so I didn't contest.
About protecting yourself. My H said right after leaving "you can have the house." Maybe he felt bad or was so anxious to leave everything behind and wasn't thinking about $$ b/c he didn't think it would be an issue. But he was $pending like crazy (from his own accounts) and a couple months later he asked if I wanted to stay in the house or if we should sell it. I wanted to try to stay here if I could afford it. He suggested I just buy him out but frankly it scared the cr@p out of me to pay him a big chunk of $$ for the house w/o an agreement in place saying how the rest of our finances were split, if I might wind up liable for his or his biz venture's debts, alimony, etc. I don't know what state you're in but in mine you can sign a separation agreement that says how things are split while you're separated. I struggled greatly w/ whether to do this b/c the S agreement can be converted to D a year later and I was afraid of the message I might be sending and afraid of making D too easy. But in the end, I said I'd rather do that than one piece at a time (IOW just the house for now) so we went to mediation and signed a S agreement. The D follows its terms.
So that's how I protected myself. My sitch was different from yours b/c:
- I was making enough of a salary to keep the house and squeak by, - I had my own benefits thru work (note, though, that a S agreement or D can provide that the S w/ benefits or better employment keep up benefits for the other S), - H asking me to buy him out prompted the whole idea (I think otherwsie I would have had a much harder time bringing the S agreement up on my own),
so there are other things you will have to consider. After all this time I still don't know if that was the right decision for our R but it has given me peace of mind -- at 40+ I just could not see starting over from $0 (and yes my place is held together by duct tape but it's MY duct tape!).
You've mentioned proof of the A. As far as any S or D or what a judge or anyone else will say you're entitled to, as someone on one of your other threads pointed out, adultery means nothing in most states these days when it comes to division of assets, so you're probably best off leaving that one lie. As far as confronting him about it, I would ask myself "what's my goal?" Is there anything you'd do differently if he admitted to it? If you do confront him you probably will just p_ss him off and push him even further away. I could see if he was still coming over and trying to ML w/ you, then it might be an issue, but if he's platonic, I'm not sure what the point is. Generally these As are revealed in time w/o any help from the LBS anyway.
I think you're doing the right things as far as GAL and rolling w/ the punches. I am not dating and I'm careful to act as a M woman b/c I still feel like one, I know better than to try to forge a R w/ someone else when H is still in my heart, even if I have pretty much given up hope that he will ever be in my life again (plus I'm Catholic and still M in the eyes of the Church). I am not waiting for him and the grass is not growing under my feet. I'm surprised at this but enjoy my solo life and just look at it as the new chapter for me, the time for me to grow in a different way, taking the lessons I've learned along the way. I guess I'm just a generally positive person and not prone to depression so maybe it's easier for me b/c of that.
Good luck w/ your decision. You might want to talk to a L if you can just to get an idea of what your rights are (that helped me some).
DSH, well, I am very much the same situation. i have done nothing...I am trying to be patient (a VERY hard thing to do)...Both dogs are with me as well, I am also living in our home...he lives in the batcave---in a secret location that I really do not care about...
I DO know that he is getting credit reports (he initially wanted to separate all our credit accounts because I had "cluster-f*cked the finances and he wanted to not be assiociated with me regarding finances) and the address to his batcave DOES NOT show up, so who knows what is up with that...
Anyway, enough about me....
Maybe you should wait it out, then....you don't seem to want to file for separation...if he is still depositing the same amount of money in your account and you are still able to keep up with the bills, then maybe you shouldn't rock the boat. However, I will tell you that this lasts a LONG time and patience is something that you will learn even if it is the death of you.
hang in there...if you see positives, then stick with it...who knows what is around the corner... :)...could be light at the end of the tunnel!
valentine
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
Karen, very sage advice...I, too, am Catholic and consider myself to be M still...even if I got D'd.
Stay on the straight and narrow. I do not date and do not encourage that type of attention.
DSH, if you want to stand, you won't date either. Karen is right though, check with an attorney---doesn't mean you have to HIRE one. Just get advice. Believe it or not, there are some very good family law attorneys...go with whomever YOU feel comfortable with.
Valentine
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
