I'll look into it later. (If that's possible??) I'm in a bit of a hurry right now, just got invited to go stay with friends for the weekend Weather is great kids can play outside I get to have a break aswell! Hooorraay that was what I was looking for.
So have a great weekend everyone...Be there again tommorrow or Monday
yournaling: Had a good weekend. DH called and I missed the call. He send me a TM saying he used my recipe and it was sold out completely. So compliments to ME...LOL I hesitated to call him and my friend got angry. She said You call him he is YOUR husband if she picks up state your married name friendly and ask for him. She said don't let her intimidate you because she will gain territory. I agreed and called but he didn't pick up. But called immediately after. He told me about the dish again. I said that half of the money should go to me aswell. He replied that I deserved to get it all. Mh. then asked where we were I ansewered with the name of the town. He asked DS where he was and what the other kids names were LOL because I did not say with whom I was... Yesterday late at night he called. He was in the car. He asked how things were and stopped the car to talk. I told him a funny story and he was reminiscing AGAIN. Then out of the blue he said he would be back on sunday and asked if we would be home so he could come by on Monday.... He also wrote an email to DS telling what he was doing and that he missed him. I wrote an email back in DS name. Sort of, he's only three but I think it is a great way to continue what's been happening.
I'm assuming all these things and it's driving me insane. Like what am I doing...?? He is in touch with one of his best friends who was the usher at our wedding and who is totally against what DH is doing. Dh contacted him after 8 months and told me his friends was making sarcastic hateful comments. Now why should he do that unless DH told him that he was so happy with OW or other stuff.
After that he talked with his brother and sister and he told me that they don't understand, they were selfish and not able to understand him. He then said I need someone who I can talk to. I feel the urge to talk to you but I'm afraid of your reaction, like 'feeling like a beaten dog again. I just can't get that out of my head. why is he so afraid? Unless it's about OW. I've reacted OK to everything the past year. Especially since I found DB I have only been listening letting him initiate talks.
He said that when he noticed that when he was overhere he was hesitant to talk. He found it easier to talk through the phone or email. I said that I felt he had the urge to talk but did not want to pressure him and thought that when he wanted he would. He agreed. His biggest difficulty in our relationship was opening up. I told him several times I'm no clearvoyant, I can't read your aura and see what your thinking and feeling so tell me. Now I learn that's not true up to a point. I do see when he is uncomfortable, happy, not mentally there etc. Because I hear it by the tone of his voice, read his bodylanguage etc. I could see it before the bomb aswell but more often choose not to see it because I was too involved with my own things and drama.
He also told me several weeks ago in his friends only speech that he felt he was not able to have a relationship ever. That he felt energised when being alone. He did not understand all the difficult codes which come with relationships and also friendships. That he thought there were other problems which would have come up between us sooner than later. I asked him what and he did not get into it. He then continued out of the blue that he did not want a second family, that he already had one and that he felt so responsible for DS and thought he couldn't cope with that a second time.
He aknowledged to me that he needed for me to be a stay at home mom most and help him out with his career that way. Now OW gave up her entire life to do stuff with DH. So he learned through our mistakes aswell. It's what frightens me. On the other hand she is still young, 25 never worked before. (well was an intern and after that a stewardess for a while) Now she works alongside DH. She finished university and I'm sure her friends are starting with exciting jobs and careers. I did all of that I've been there done that and came to the conclusion that I wanted to be a mom. She hasn't she just listening to DH and clinging on and she is not doing the things DH told me he felt irritated by me. I do hope she will recognise that that won't work for her and her friends will do aswell. I thought about his comment that he feels she will leave him for another guy when she is fed up with him. In a phonecall later that day I told him he was giving up quite a lot for an infatuation. (I know not so DB) He then tried to convince me that he did not leave me because of her. I argued with him a bit and he felt frustrated.
It is something I learned Jazz. That men will talk when they need to. Small talk ok. But serious stuff. I used to push him to talk and give him advice and my opinion. Now I don't anymore. I try to boost his male ego. Tell him he's a grown up and knows what to do best. He aknowledges this. Meanwhile when he is overhere I take care of him. i used to do this but always like I cooked now you clean etc. Tit for tat as I recall you guys say. Now i'm taking care unconditionally. I make him #1. At least with the minimal things i can do. But it takes a huge toll on ME. Because I long to touch him, hug him, kiss him and tell him everything will be ok. I can't and it's frustrating because I know one of his main love languages is touch.
I have to stop analysing but there has been going on a lot lately.
did I tell that i gave him farewell gifts of DS for him leaving for three months and he said he would be coming over every two weeks? So he isn't leaving for three months afterall. He then acted as if i was completely crazy. I only aplogised and said that I must have misunderstood because the last time he was here he talked about how far he would come with the three months gone thing and would return earlier if he couldn't cope. Then send me a TM saying that he would live around the corner after he returned. I also asked him several times when he would leave for the three months thing.
I gather it must be annoying for OW that he returns every two to three weeks after she gave up her house, job friends etc. only to see my DH going home every two weeks. Also he told me noone can approach him when he can't reach us and after two weeks of being away he is so depressed and irritated he has to go. So maybe there are cracks beginning. I have to STOP ASSUMING and STOP analysing.
It might be that he feels the urge to talk to me about OW and the problems they are having. My DH best friend (the usher) told him early on that he had no right to tell me stuff about OW. That it would hurt me way too much and that this was the downside of having an affair. He said grow up and deal with it yourself. I also told him i did not want to know aboout OW because it hurt.
10% of extramarital affairs stay put but 75% of that 10% eventually split up. So in my female calculation 2,5% of all extramarital affairs survive.
rambling: I used to say that the feeling of guilt was useless. It's not. I feel that guilt tells us something. It tells your core that what you are doing is not OK. It warns you. It's there to guide you. If you keep ignoring warning signs eventually you will fall and break down. Being egocentric is the root of all evil.
Just talked to step MIL. I had to call because I received an email from DH in which he stated he was so happy. Step MIL said that DH talked to his dad and told him he was doing great and was so happy. I felt gutted. She had to go but called again later. Said she was so proud of me and felt very connected with me. She told DH dad that she was not ready to meet OW by far and continued to tell him that she felt he would betray me if he decided to go up there and meet DH. Her initial reaction to email was to tell DH that I needed to get mad and back off but when I explained some stuff she changed her mind. She said I think you have to continue what you are doing I can almost fill in the blanks. She said I think it is unbelievable what DH does to you and doesn't he even see this?? I felt better afterwards. She said OW needs to leave because only then you will get a fair chance. I said maybe DH dad can convince him to be alone for a while.
Hey Jazz, I've been on my own for a while to. The BB got to me. DH tells me on a daily basis that he wants to live nearby and see DS everyday. He suggested returning earlier than planned and asked if he could come to my brothers wedding. On the other hand he acts like we are friends. I think I will encourage him to talk to me. He tells me he longs to talk to me but is afraid of my reaction. Well I will not react and listen to what he has to say. I'll ask him about it and make him comfortable. I feel it is the only way to get an emotional reconnection going again. Now we mostly talk about DS.
He says he is scared of the way I used to react. He often felt like a beaten dog he told me. the past year I have been very understanding but he feels it is a trick I'm doing. But I have thought of the why myself and off course I'm scared of what he will want to tell me
I just decided I need to know. It's the only way to get him to confide in me again. I feel that if he shares all his insecurities, anger and resentment towards me it will purify our communication and relation. I'm hoping it will give him a huge sense of relief and from there on he can trust me again. and start an emotional relationship!!!
Don't be defensive, don't be hurt. Realize it's in the past. If you need to apologize do so, but make it about the future. "I am better, I'm going to continue to improve, this is not a trick, you come and see and you'll get your proof in actions, not words."
You can do it! Good Luck!!!
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
LOL... My first post locked... Here's to my second one... May the end of this new post contain lots of new babysteps..!! 
CHEERS...!!! 
You should see me here...My DS is playing doctor and wants to keep looking in my ears with huge red rimmed fake glasses on his nose while I'm doing this computer thing OSU and UA so lovingly explained... 
