I'll try to cut to the chase. My mortgage company just called, it seems that the April payment wasn't made, actually it was, but the check was returned for insufficient funds. So now April and May payments are due. My credit scrore was over 800, and my husband seems to be ruining it for me. As a reminder the house is in my name only but my H makes the mortgage payment, or at least he is suppose to. I know that the logical thing to do is talk to him about this, but I know he'll blow it off as if it's nothing and he'll take care of it or he'll lie. I cannot continue to live like this. I trust him to make the house payment or at least tell me that he's running short and needs some assistance with making the payment. He continues to betray my trust.
I don't know your stuation, but I'd pay it myself, or try to get a renter or two to move in and help with the payment. Obviously your husband can't financially be relied on to help so you'll need to figure out a way to take care of it. Since the house belongs to you, you are responsible for the payment.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Thanks. Obviously we're piecing after his year long afair and have been for the last 2 years. It just infuriates me that I feel as though I still can't trust him to do the right thing. I don't know. Is all this worth it. Sometimes I feel like I should cut my losses and move on.
I'm not sure about your sitch either, but do YOU have the money to pay the payment? He must have tried too (returned check), but doesn't have enough. Maybe he felt too bad to tell you? How would you feel about just asking him about it? Them maybe he can give you some and you can cover the rest? Then forward, just try to work something out, like 60/40. Would you consider taking out any home equity or refinancing it? Just my thought.
Gwyn, if you have the money make the payments to catch up. If you don't have the money call the company and talk to someone to see what you can work out with them such as interest only payments.
Then talk to your H and find out his version of what happened and ask to be reimbursed if that is appropriate.
For the future, ask your H to write you a check or deposit money into your account and then you make the payment. Take responsibility for this until if and when he can prove to be responsible.
Yes, I have done all of the above. I got thru it, you can too. Be strong.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Does your husband have a history of difficulty in managing his money? And/or avoiding confrontation? Perhaps you need to sit down with him on the computer and put everything on an expense management program like Quicken. Perhaps you can set up something with the bank where they automatically deduct a certain amount from his paycheck.
Does he help financially in other ways? Do you have children together? Does he spend time with them or help in any way with them? I personally wouldn't choose to be a single parent. It's hard being a single caretaker (especially if there is more than one kid). They often lose out on participation in events, attention, etc... Even if we reduce the whole situation to dollars and cents, just having that extra spousal help is valuable
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Well, he doesn't want help in managing money. He tells me we're fine. The more I think about it, the more I think it's a depression problem. He continues to buy things to try to make himself happy, Mercedes, boat, top of the line grill, and he keeps doing these things, knowing his money supply is running low. He had an overdraft protection on his checking but he's gone through that so now he owes back that loan, plus the 37.00 per check he bounced, which last month was 4 and his hole gets deeper and deeper and I feel like he's taking me down with him. Before I confronted him with the house payment, I slept on it as I didn't want to speak in anger. When the time was right, I told him about the mortgage co. calling and asked him if it would be easier if he gave me the mortgage payment each month and I'll take care of it. He said "I can do that". Here it is the 8th, payment due on the 15th, and he hasn't given me any money. He looks like such a whipped puppy every time I bring up finances. The man is depressed, he has no motivation, no drive, he's simply existing. And our sex life, non-existant. I really have had about all I can take. Sometimes, I believe he just hopes that I'll give up. It would lift his burden and his guilt and it would give him yet another chance to start over. I don't know what to do.
If this is not typical of his past managing of money, maybe you're right. Maybe he does want you to give up, and perhaps he's still in MLC and depression, and feeling overwhelmed by everything....
I think if I were in your shoes I'd put all the financial information on paper and with as little emotion as possible, show him that according to the finanical records he is having a problem with the finances and you need his help to figure out how to take care of it. Let's do this together. Somehow take control, but let him feel like he's still the "knight in shining armor" rescuing the day!!! Instead of telling him, ask him how, pin him to dates and try to be a positive team about fixing some of these problems. Perhaps that Mercedes and boat need to go...
Do you have your finances on a home expense program? If not, mention to your husband you think this would be worth trying since so and so has raved about it, and then ask for his help with it. Go over it weekly. Men like to fix things so if possible steer him towards feeling like he's helping you straighten things out and fix them.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
This may sound wierd, but it's not our financial problem, it's HIS. We keep everything separate. His bills are his, mine are mine. The only thing that he pays of mine is the house and that's because we had to keep him off of the deed because his credit sucks (imagine that)and I paid the downpayment when we bought it. That was the agreement. I'm so tired of trying so hard to save my marriage, I can't talk about issues that hurt. It's ridiculous. People shouldn't have to live this way.
Well, the bottom line is if he has always had trouble with money (i.e. poor credit history), that probably isn't going to change (at least not with a lot of help, and him making a huge effort to improve it). My guess is he's on the immature side and more fun than responsible. That may just be who he is (if I'm correct in my guess), you probably knew that before you married him, and there was something about this which attracted you to him.
So... rather than bemoan these facts you'll have to figure out the best way to deal with this. It may be that with his immaturity with money and current depression (the two making it super difficult for him to keep up with finanical responsiblity), you'll need to figure out a way you can keep up the mortgage yourself... or some other alternative (i.e. change your personal budget, sell, rent a room or the house out....etc...). You're just going to have to stop relying on him and figure this out on your own. Consider your husband "mentally ill" with depression. If he died tomorrow you'd still need to take care of this. Sometimes we really do need to be prepared to be fully self-sufficent. Actually everyone should do that...
Then you may need to look at your marriage... If you have kids they should come first... would they be devistated without your husband there? Is it worth it to destroy the kids? Is he a good dad who spends time with them and loves them (hey that's VERY valuable!!!! Not all men are great dads or spend qualtiy time with the kids), the cost of excellent, loving "childcare" is priceless.
Of course, you can always give the ultimatum (if you're willing to follow through). You can tell your husband to put you, or a professional in charge of his finances or the marriage is off.
Yes, it's a shame we all have to live with problems we shouldn't have to live with. But that's life. It's not always a pleasure cruise.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
