18 mos and counting...

[Yoyowife]

(((Monica)))
I'm so sorry. I know you are hurting. My H served me with papers last Thursday. I'm numb I guess. I'm working on finding an attorney. Never thought this was something I would have to go through. I'm sure like you are like me. I thought my H would wake up and come to his senses of what he was loosing. I see it's been 18 months for you. It's been 8 for me. You are truly an amazing woman, you have fought long and hard for your marriage. I know a lot of people wouldn't understand hanging on that long, but I understand. We have to believe that this is happening for a reason and something good will come of this. Hang in there. I'm here if you need to talk.

Hugs,
Yoyo

[Dr LOve]

Hey Monica & YoYO

I am so sorry,scared and I am hurting for both of you. Just reading Monica's post brought back that empty hurtfull feeling where my heart should be when I found out about my W affair. I what to just hug and hold both of ya. No words need be spoken just a loooooong hug.

Husband

[cat03]

hugs honey)))))))))))))

He wants to stay a mental teenager forever. You knew that. You are not loosing much not because he is incable of seeing what he is missing.

This is the beginning of a GOOD life for you, do you hear me? a very very GOOD live in which you and your son will begin anew and will be very very happy, because you are a good woman and a good mother and you have much going for you.

The door has been shut and still he is like the fool whom when shown the moon with a pointing finger he looks at the finger. He's in his lala land, he doesn't understand the depts of what he's done and refuses to so he doesn't feel accountable.

One day at a time hon, I hope you are GAL, filling your head w/good books (I recommend "battlefield of the minds) and working out. Be happy w/your little one)))))))

[MonicaP]

Thank you so much YoYoW, Husband and Cat03!

YoYo - I feel for what you are going through, I'm sorry and wish you the best.

Husband - thanks for the hug!

Cat03 - your words will resonate with me, I appreciate what you said about this being the beginning of a very GOOD life. I'm working on it! I also love the analogy of H looking at the finger and not the moon. He sure is missing the brilliance and the beauty that I and my S4.5, as a family, have to give. He clearly doesn't value family in the same way. It's ironic, or maybe telling, that his parents have in fact been M for over 30 years happily, yet not without their problems. I think H began to envision his life going on this singular plane like his parent's life has gone. They have a wonderful home, both work hard, they're close with their family, etc.. but they stick very close to home and don't step out of their routine or comfort zone often. The first time they were on an airplane was to come here to see us. Anyway, I am sure that H has unresolved issues about his childhood (what else is new) and he's acting them out by regressing to adolescence and the only way he can justify this in his own mind is by staying in denial.

Well, today he got angry at me for not giving him the "courtesy" of telling him before I filed. Ha! Courtesy! Maybe if he did me the courtesy of not cheating on me and leaving our family I might have returned the favor. He is so selfish! I explained that I in fact didn't know that the court was going to file my papers when they did. Anyway, he emailed to say that he thought it would be best just to file for a "proper divorce and move on." I emailed him back to say he would have that option when he responds to my papers.

Well, it's all too much to process right now. I need a distraction - going to go relax.

I am so thankful for your support. It just saves me to know that I am not the only one going through this hell - not that I want anyone else to have to face this.

Peace.

[Dr LOve]

Well, today he got angry at me for not giving him the "courtesy" of telling him before I filed. Ha! Courtesy! Maybe if he did me the courtesy of not cheating on me

Or at least let ya know BEFORE HE DID.

Ya got that right.

Hey Monica
The weather is nice, let’s take my top off (the jeep, not me) and head to the coast for the day. Our son's can build sand castles while we down a Corona or two.

Distracted enough?

Husband

[MonicaP]

Had a talk w/ H last Sunday about impending legal process. I've filed for LS and he says "why not get a proper D and move on." I told him he will have that choice when he responds to papers. We sat outside while S4.5 watched t.v. inside and had somewhat of a heart-to-heart. I told him that I think much of what got us to this point had less to do with our M and more to do with his not being able to keep up with the charade of being "perfect." I shared my opinion that he had walked such a narrow line growing up, never being able to make a mistake for fear of repercussions from father, being the "perfect boy" and then the "perfect husband." He found me and wanted my strength and independence and thought that being a H and father would make his parents proud. But he couldn't keep up with it, he wasn't being genuine to himself. But he didn't trust me enough to feel safe in telling me that he needed to "break out" and experience some new things for himself (i.e. Goth stuff). He knew I didn't like it, he knew it scared me, and he hid it from me. I told him he shouldn't have given up, he should have challenged me, that he would have found out that - although I may not like it - he was the most important person to me and that I would have done what I could to support him.

Sure, it's easy to say in hindsight, but I KNOW how I feel about H and I KNOW that I trusted him even with something that scared me. The night he met Ow, it was me that encouraged him to go to that club where he could hear the music he liked. I trusted his fidelity to me. Ha!

He still claims he wasn't looking for anyone. Sure, I get that. But that didn't stop him from pursuing it once she presented her (slutty) self to him. I'm assuming he still had his wedding ring on and I'm assuming she knew we have a son. Yet they both justified (and continue to justify) the behavior.

Anyway, I told H that I wanted happiness for him no matter what. Those words must have come from God because I just don't think I could muster them on my own. I am still so angry.

He seems so perfectly clear now that Ow is "the one" and that our M - ultimately - isn't right for him.

I wonder, was my perception and experience of our M all based on a big fantasy/lie? He says it was love, but I got the feeling his next words would have been "for what I was capable of at the time.". So it was flimsy love for him and now it's "real" love w/ Ow.

It's baffling to me. But I know now that I have to truly move on and accept that he is never going to be the person I fell in love with again. He's not coming back. My love for him was deep and real and I would have done whatever it took to deepen it for the rest of my life. But he gave up and clearly is not mature enough to even understand the meaning of true commitment or what it takes to stay together.

Well, all I have to do now is ask someone to serve him with the papers and go from there. I think I'm ready. It's the most painful experience of my life, but I am trying to change my perspective to being grateful that I had the time with him at all and that we have a son that is pure love. I hope I can reconcile my memories of "us" someday, I don't want to doubt them anymore, but I do.

Where should I post now? Divorced?

[MonicaP]

Journaling...

I finally took the leap of faith to take a vacation with my S4.5 - traveling alone with my S for the first time by airplane. I was nervous before our flight, but strangely not as much as I imagined I would be. My S was wonderful and the flight was smooth. I felt like God was really taking care of me.

Interestingly my STBXH offered to give us a ride to the airport.

The thing is, the last time I was here (NYC) I was with my H. I was the matron of honor in my best friend's wedding and H and I made a little vacation out of it. Today when we went to the Met. Museum I could "see" H and I sitting on those big steps together. It was bittersweet.

Today, instead, I was cleaning up ice-cream from my S's face.

I am staying with my friend and her H and 2 kids and, at times, it is lonely and sad for me to think that I once had my family together too. I see her H helping with the kids or the dishes or whatever and I think, wow, I do all of that myself now.

Yes, I am feeling a little sorry for myself, but overall I'm actually feeling strong. I am proud of myself for taking this trip despite my fears and lack of money. I've put it off for too long.

Some good news. I have had a few nice looks from men here :-) My friend says I look pretty, my new hairstyle/color - I guess - is really nice. I feel good.

Well, I continue to pray for H. When I return from this trip I will make the arrangements to have H served the Legal Sep papers. He knows they're coming. I feel very sad about it, but it feels like the time to do it has really come. He's not protesting in any way.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. I'm always open to feedback, I need to stay connected.

[MonicaP]

H was served last week. He actually asked me about what he was supposed to fill out and I finally told him "I'd rather not help you divorce me, you should talk to someone else". I filed for LS and Custody/Support so I can have some legal protection, but he will likely respond w/ D. Our first court date is this Friday.

I feel numb I guess, it seems so surreal.

But it's been 2 yrs with no changes except further drifting apart. Whatever H is getting from the Ow he still wants and both of them are willing to destroy a family.

S5 is doing really well which I am so grateful for! We went to NY a couple of weeks, my first flight (and travel) alone with my S. He did great and we had a blast. He begins K in 2.5 weeks! I feel so blessed to have in my life, I can't regret my marriage because of my S.

But if I didn't have my S, I would wonder what my marriage was all about. Now it just seems like a wonderful dream that turned into a nightmare!

Well, last Sunday H called 1 hr before he was supposed to be here to p/u S5 to tell me he was sick. I was so angry because I knew he was lying and I had been super sick since Friday with a bad sore throat & chest cold. I had struggled to get to Sunday so I could rest while S5 was with H. I "went off" on H and told him that I didn't believe his lies and called him on a few. He became defensive and actually swore at me. I finally hung up on him for telling me to "shut the F up". I couldn't believe it. He called back 20 min's later to apologize and said he wanted to talk later. We exchanged a few emails the next day which was a big waste of time. He's still looking to blame me for his own character defects. I did manage to say in my emails that I would always support his R with S5 and that I know he loves S deeply. I told him that he is still special to me and that I prefer to hold the memories of the man that I married. He barely responded and said that he had nothing to add.

He's really gone.

Tonight he got annoyed at me for giving S5 a banana at bedtime (something he has almost every night). H had been with him all day and told me he had already eaten enough. The thing he doesn't get is that S5 frequently asks for something to eat after H leaves. Last week H cooked S some stir-fry veggies and left out the part S loves - tofu. It was sitting right in the fridge and he just made the veggies. S actually cried when he told me. It may sound silly, but I think H is so preoccupied most of the time that he just does the bare minimum. On the contrary, when we were still together H loved to cook and would take great pride in the meals he would make. Tonight I think he took S to McDonalds - something I never do and he never would have done 5 years ago!

I wonder sometimes if filing was the right thing to do since it likely pushed H into filing for D, something it may have taken him a long time to do - maybe long enough to mature and grow through this major crisis he's going through. I'll never know. I chose to file now because I'm tired of wondering when H is going to give me money each month. Also, I want better accountability on his time with S5. Finally, I need to move on. There's a huge part of me that doesn't want to move on because at least being in limbo (or, at least, not divorced yet) there was some type of hope. Realistically, I think the hope is an illusion at this point.

Time to move on with my life and maybe - someday - fall in love again.