Very new to this posting, so please bare with me if I do not have all of the lingo down, but I am at the point where I am reaching for anything. Been married for over 10 years, but the last 2 have been the worst of my life.
Long story short is my w has had 4 affairs that I know about over the last 2 years. Each time I have tried to fight through it. I do not believe in d, i have 2 little girls that I cherish, and can't imagine life as a broken family.
The most recent affair caused me to really question whether or not I should continue to try. However, this one really seemed to get my w attention, and even our mc said she really appeared broken and humbled. Well, that was until last week when I found out after 6 mos the affair never really ended.
The sad part is that I am really numb to this now. The thought of her with someone else doesn't even bother me. What bothers me is potentially having to look my girls in the eye and tell them that mommy and daddy cannot work this out.
Half the time I am ready to quit and do exactly that, but there are other times when I think I need to continue to work on this. But, for how long? Am I crazy for even entertaining this idea?
I am heart broken, but not for her, but for my kids. She again is saying that this time is going to be different, but she has said that everytime. I think it would be easier if these affairs were worth something and she would want to leave.
I am in need of help. Can't continue like this... Any advice out there?
man, you've got a tough one here. many things to consider.
after 4 times, that you know of, I doubt there is anything that could change her behavior, 4 times with no consequences, it would be very difficult to show her the need for change.
I understand you desire to keep the family whole and not have your kids experience a divorce. but kids watch their parents, they learn from you and your wife, do you really want your little girls think what mom is doing is ok, and then themselves doing it in their relationships?
what about you? how long to you want to be kept in a high risk situation for STDs? AIDS is real, and it doesn't just happen to the"other" guy. also, you deserve someone who respects you and treats you as such.
Ford has the right idea. Your wife needs to have consequences for her actions, or she will not change her behavior. No threats, just if this happens, then that will happen. And you have to carry through.
In Divorce Remedy, there is a chapter on infidelity. You might want to read it. Keep it in the house, available for wife to read. She might want to do something positive to change her behaviors.
Also read the last resort part of the book. You need to decide if you are ready for that, or the 'after the last resort' technique.
Take care of yourself. You are a good man. Best of luck. You will get good advice from the guys around here.
Holly
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
Thanks for the quick replies. It is good to get this out and be able to hear from others with no connection to my w or me. Last time this happened, I confided in my family and friends. The message, as cryptic as it was, was always the same. Cut your losses, your kids are resilient, and you deserve better. Then we reconciled after separating, but none of my family or friends ever treated her the same way again. I am trying to be careful this time and work through my emotions before confiding in anyone. I know what they will say, and to be honest, I am a bit embarrassed (for both of us).
Thanks for the venue to do this. Any other words of wisdom or advice is, of course, appreciated.
The sad thing is I have set those consequences before. the last time this happened I found out about the affair while we were in counseling working on us and supposedly making good progress. Only to find out she was not only seeing other guy, but seeing him right before and after meeting with counselor (approx 6 mos ago).
I told her that this was it, but continued working on us and thought we had made progress. I told her then, again, if she cheated again, I was done. told her if she ever got to the point of considering it to simply raise her hand, tell me she is unhappy so that we can do something about it.
She did not do that. She had been acting perfectly normal, but the affair was still going on (just found out).
Now she is crying daily again, saying how sorry she is, saying the affair is really over, and that this time she is really going to change and be the good Christian mom and wife she should be. The sad thing is I find myself falling for it again and feeling sorry for her.
Am I crazy? Should she get another chance? One minute I think yes, this is worth working on. The next, I am saying I need to make a stand and finally end this.
I just wanted to say you are not alone, far from it.
I am the same as your wife. I had 4 affairs (3 included sex, 1 no sex). This was 1.5 years ago (When I told my H).
It is tough for me to give you any advice...considering you are on the other side of the fence. The one you should be really talking to is my H to be honest. I can't really say I relate to what you are going through, but I can relate to what I have seen from my H.
Has you W told you or MC why is she having the A's? That is the first thing you really need to find out.
Did anything happen 2 years ago in your wife's life?
How was the first 8 years of your M?
Let's go under the assumption these are the only 4. In such a small time period, seems strange that for 8 years she was fine then all of the sudden...?
If there is anything you want to ask me, feel free. I will try not to be too blunt.
1st 8 years were for the most part good (as far as I know). We did have 1 rough spot where I found out she was close to having an affair, but I think I found out before it actually happened (I think).
We went to mc for a year and came out stronger than ever. This was around the 3 year mark.
Since I have found out what has happened over the last 2 years, it has made me question how long she was doing this. Who knows...
There was always a different reason with her. 1st time it was we were just growing apart. Next time it was I was traveling too much. Now it is she has been too caught up in work (oh, and btw, she is an aerobics intructor and personal trainer).
Says now she is ready to quit everything make some changes in her life and stay home with the kids...
Reading your both of your comments, sigh and torn, made me realize I was not alone. I just posted Out of Control just over an hour ago.
I am not in the same situation but can relate. It is interesting to read the adice and comments and I appreciate the honesty on both sides. I can tell you from my situation a lot of times you just can't explain why. I can tell you for awhile I thought maybe I was a sex addict to explain my behavior...I don't know. I am certainly willing to add my view point and maybe give some insightful pariticipation.
I tend to think lately that you either have the magic or you don't to want to make it work. Maybe I am in defensive mode. I can tell you in my indescretions I was able to be a person that I couldn't be with my wife. Not someone different but the person I really was. I don't know why I could tell and do things with others than with my closest friend. It is just that we couldn't talk on that level. Different situation I know, but certainly a fact. I will participate more if you welcome my comments.
The reasons she has told you about why she had the affairs, I know becasue they sound way too familiar, are reasons to justify her behaviour, not the reason why she had them. It is a little difficult to explain, I do not think she has dealth with why because she still seems to be "blaming you" for not fulfilling something, so she had affairs...
Now she just wants to stay at home with the kids?
Torn, I will be honest..something is just not right here. Now it is completely possible that she has decided to change her ways and stay at home with the kids, but it is more likely guilt from the way she has treated you. Eventually she will either become depressed, or lash out as she has not come to the root of her issue(s). She will blame you and the cycle will continue all over again.
I know you guys are in MC, but have you considered asking her if she would like to see her own C? I know you would like her to talk about these things with you, but the probability of that is pretty low.
Has she been open with her feelings and emotions in the past, or is she one to bottle them up and let them stew? I never talked to my H, always said everything was fine, ect, ect.
Torn I guess the one thing that is the most important is:
What do YOU want to do? If you feel that you can not continue in this marriage, you must voice this to your wife. If you want to stay, voice this as well, but this is purely your choice. Tell her if you choose to stay this time, she will have to help you save the marriage. You may need to put some restrictions on her. Where she is, having her call when she is on her way home from work, ect. Whatever you need to help you through this. If she does not want to, I would seriously re consider staying.
Discuss these things in your MC session if you feel it is more productive there.
I don't know what else to say, except good luck, stay strong and do what you think is best for you.
