moving toward...IV

[almosthopeful]

my last thread

My thread locked. I just wanted to get a new one started.

Very brief overview:

Me 53; H 57; S14
Married 21 years
Bomb 5/16/05
H moved to rental 8/05
H filed 6/06
OW reports to H, EA at least 2 years, PA assumed
D negotiations almost over
S14 and I moving out this month to 2nd home, meant to be our retirement home.

Bleh. I hate writing that.

Back to House.

[almosthopeful]

Meh. I woke up before 4, crying and feeling overwhelmed about everything. I know it is just a feeling, and that logically I have enough time, and enough help to deal with everything. It is just that the details of getting packed and moved, and getting the "new" house ready, and getting the semester over, seem just totally endless. Meh.

I have already graded some, and got S14's breakfast and mine this morning.

As J says,

Nuts.

[Jeanette1120]

{{AH}}

Honey.....look at what you do? Your constantly busy with work, grading papers, commuting, teaching, trying to stay above water in your career (which you love). Your dealing with a man who has lost all rationallity, your moving into a home that was meant for the both of you to share, your hardly sleeping, your GAL (insert nice guy) your dealing with your emotions on that.....I THINK YOUR A SAINT! I am kneeling before you..

If you wake up crying love.....cry, get it all out, then get your asz up and continue on. You are entitled to your moments of being overwhelmed....hell you are overwhelmed!

Be thankful for what you have. You know where you are moving to.....you love the place, you can now make it your very own sanctuary, and when you are ready to let people in....it will be a magnificent place! So when I come to visit....how far is the water? Does it have a pool? I'll bring a floaty bar

I love you AH!

Jeanette

[snookysmom]

AH,

I know exactly how you feel as I am dealing with pretty much the same issues. The crying is a release of the sadness and frustration that we feel at having to do things that we never thought we would have to do.

Being deserted by the person who meant and possibly still means the whole world to us is not easy. I am hoping that by the time my 2 year mark rolls around that I will be able to handle this in a better manner, but who knows. I am really struggling for the past few weeks.

The tears are starting as I write this to you because we have pretty much made this whole journey together.

Take care & huggs,
Sue

[Sunflower23]

Hi AH,

We must be on the same schedule. I woke up before 4 a.m. with that panic feeling in my chest. I hate that.

You really do have a lot on your plate right now and I'm not surprised you feel overwhelmed. I don't know if it's better to be too busy so you don't have time to dwell on everything or if it would be good to have some down time. I tend to try to keep in perpetual motion and stay one step ahead of the grief. I know occasionally it will catch up with me and insist on taking over my whole body. Sat. was a big crying day for me.

I hope you aren't too tired and have a good day. It's beautiful here again today.

Hugs,
Sun

[PositivelyListening]

Hi AH, You are so wonderful and amazing. I know what that overwhelm feeling is like - it is familiar to me!! But the tears, well I now see the tears as my friends. Cleansing tears, tears that help me to clear and heal. Lately, no matter how I am feeling or what is going on, I go to bed writing in my gratitude journal and when I wake up in the morning I go over in my head (or sometimes read the journal, if I need help) and I review in my thoughts what I am grateful for. This practice has begun to shift how my days are going. Sometimes in the middle of the day, I remember too, things I am grateful for. I was thinking, what would life be like if I only thought about what I am grateful for, all the time? And what if lots of other people were doing that too?

So, one thing I am grateful for is you. You are a great mom, a loving and loyal and kind person. I don't even know you personally, and yet I would trust you and know I would be treated with respect, kindness and honesty in your hands. I am glad your young man has you for a mom, making the world a better place.

Re your overwhelm: I think "AH is up to something in life" and just for that alone, the world is a better place.

Meanwhile, I hope you will do something for yourself today. Something that honors you, pampers you, or makes you laugh. Hugs to you, AH. You are doing great.

[almosthopeful]

Hi Jeanette, Sue, Sun & PL,

Thank you all for visiting and for the wonderful support.

I have just gone from bad to worse. Came home to a letter from the L. Actually, a copy of the most recent missive from H's L. Upshot, there are still two issues that I just won't agree to. I will negotiate a little, but only on one of them.

So, I called my L, and asked if I could talk to H directly. He say sure, try. So I called H. Was very firm and, not nasty or name calling, just firm about one issue, and offering to talk about the other.

Got off the phone with H, immediately burst into tears. It is looking like a June 1st date...so soon.

So...a little time passes. I call H back and say maybe I sent the wrong message on the last phone call. Maybe it seemed like it was all about the money for me. But it isn't it is entirely about the heartbreak. That he will only talk to me about money and property, so that is what I talk about, but for me it is about a broken heart. Of course I am crying through this.

Then I say that I want him to sign in front of me. That we were together when we started this, and want to be together at the end. That I don't want him to be able to pretend that he is doing this alone, or in isolation.

He said he couldn't pretend to understand how I feel (I don't know what he meant, about the heartbreak or the wanting him to sign...) but that he heard me. He said he'd call me back about both items.

Now I just can't stop crying.

Okay. Put one foot in front of the other. I'm going to walk, then get us some supper, then head out to meeting.

[almosthopeful]

One more thing...is it remotely possibly that he has fully processed his grief and that his heart isn't broken. How could that be if he was allegedly so hurt?

How could he not understand having a broken heart?

bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh

[PositivelyListening]

Hi AH,

You are such a dear. I am so sorry. This stuff just hurts.

I believe that as long as they have an OW they have enough justification and transfer of love feelings to another, that they can not feel things for us they way we do for them. I believe your H is emotionally done. Done. Done. Finished. That's what it sounds like to me. It sounds to me like he has frozen his heart over when it comes to you, to the point that he does not even understand why you haven't "gotten over it already". Your H took up with OW (either with an EA or with a PA) and put his emotions there. Your H comes across like "what is the matter with you? Why do you keep bringing this up?" Like he is irritated that you haven't moved on.

I know this is so hard, and I am so sorry to be saying what I am saying to you. I am having a hard time believing it in my own situation as well. I look for any little sign to prove that it ain't really so. And the truth is, I don't know what's so in my sitch. But I do know that some people can be very self-serving and dismissive. My H is doing a lot of that, yours is too.

My ONLY suggestion is the standard DB one, which I truly believe is your best chance at feeling better. Let him go. Take his words at face value, and step WAY back. Stop trying to have an emotional connection with him. For God's sake, you say your heart is broken and he does not even have the ability to understand why right now.

To answer your questions about your H's grief:

One more thing...is it remotely possibly that he has fully processed his grief and that his heart isn't broken. How could that be if he was allegedly so hurt?

I do not think your H is grieving the way you are grieving, and I don't think he did so earlier either. I believe he just became resigned about your M, stepped away and gave up. And when another opportunity came around, he said "OK, I'll try that. Maybe that will make me happy." So his hurt was a long time ago, and a different process. And he hasn't lost you, you have never stopped loving him, he still sees you enough through visits with your S to find out what you are up to, etc. which is probably the most he would need. He is cocky, self-interested, and he is emotionally detached from you to such an extent that he does not even know it would matter if you were no longer in any way in his life.

Let him go AH. He is chasing a fantasy of a better life. Your H sees you as oppressive right now. Step WAY back. Do some GAL activities. Go out for a walk. Grieve all you want but keep moving, one foot in front of the other. I know this might sound mean and crazy, but picture the D he is seeking as a door opening wide for you for your future. Take plenty of space back from H as soon as the D is final. Arrange for transfers of S14 without needing to see your H yourself, for as long as possible. E-mail instead of phone for a while. Go through your L instead of direct contact. Give yourself more space to heal.

And poop on your cold H who doesn't get the amazing beautiful woman and mother that you are. Some day, I promise you, he will regret the loss of you, and the loss of his family. Just not right now. Accept and let go. Trust the universe to guide you towards your beautiful future.

Hugs to you AH. I want to come visit you at your beach house. I can't wait 'til you get there. I know it will help you heal, to move on. I am with you.

(((((((((((((AH)))))))))) I send my love

[ShadesofGrey]

((((((((((AH))))))))))

It seems sadness is overwhelming lots of us on the bb today.

Sorry AH.

Love,
Shades