Well. I think he keeps bringing up this whole 'past' thing as a way of eleviating his own guilt. I don't want to minimize his pain, but I'm not sure it is legitimate pain... in the sense that he is still 'suffering.' I think it is a way to project his own inability to own his actions onto you. "If you had not done that, then I never would have done what I did." His actions are his responsibility. The two scenarios are in no way related. Arguing about it, however, get you nowhere. Whenever he brings it up, you can simply say, "I have no doubt that is how you feel." If he comes back with something like, "well, how else am I supposed to feel?" you can say... "I wouldn't know, I'm not you. I'm taking you at your word."
In this way, you validate what he is saying, but you in no way take ownership or responsibility for HIS feelings.
On the things you are finding... put offish. I understand. I think it is perfectly legitimate to have your own wants and needs addressed. But someone has to go first. Yes. He is the one who had the EA, and you are the one who feels like you are doing the 'work.' Welcome to the club.
But one way to derail him is to go down this road with him, for the more you 'resist' and struggle against him, the more 'legitimate' he is going to feel in his views. You remove that from the table... he has no defense left.
Now, I'm not advocating that you do anything you feel uncomfortable with, but I would encourage you, again, to try and desensitize yourself to vulgar talk and his awkward approaches. You can deal with them down the road.
I understand the shaving part... but maybe you could suggest that he shave you... if you don't mind anal... give it a go and say to yourself I'm willing to do this once a month or once every two... if you are in any way uncomfortable with it, say no, mean no, and don't budge.
With swallowing... if you are willing to try it again (taste buds lose their sensitivity as we get older, so it may not be as bad for you now), if you are willing to try it again, make sure his penis is at the far back of your mouth when he comes... that way it goes straight down your throat, and you don't get much taste.
Or when he comes... hold your breath, swallow, and have a glass of water close by to down. Kind of like holding your nose when you ate something you didn't like as a kid, and then washing it down with milk.
I think you should tell your H that you would like to explore your sexuality with him (if that is what you want to do), but that you will expect his patience and understanding if you come to something you just can't bring yourself to do.
I would sit down with him and make an agreement that anger and sex do not go hand in hand, and that if you get to something you are balking on, it is not necessarily because you don't love him or are rejecting him, but because YOU just aren't feeling comfortable yet. He doesn't have to understand it, but he does have to honor it... if he can do this for YOU... then you may be able to find the courage to try again.
But make sure he understands, clearly, that anger, pouting, and storming from the bedroom, for you, are intolerable. He needs to understand that you are in this together, and if he expects YOU to challenge and stretch yourself sexually, you expect him to challenge and stretch himself emotionally and in the self-control area.
Okay. This is shamelss.... BUT. If you want to get OUT of any of these things that he is asking you...
... take a laxative about 6 hours before sex. Ahem.
... give a REALLY bad blow job, and then when you swallow, if you have the urge to throw up... do it.
For the shaving... don't have any suggestions... you just may have to do this one... but don't repeat. A few nights later, ask him to go down on you. He'll know what it feels like to encounter stubble.
Oh pleeeeeeeeezzzzz why in the world would someone have to take laxatives, hold their breath and have a glass of water standing nearby, throw up, shave etc. etc. etc. when they don't want to - just to please their S - who, by the way, was the one that had the A??????
Isn't intimacy/sex between two people supposed to be consentual???
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Okay, stick with me for a minute. This is going to sound really weird, but just humor me for a minute.
While he is in the room with you, go to a reputable sex toy website and look for a "bend over boyfriend" kit. Show it to him and ask him what he thinks. I have a hunch. Give it a try if you can brave it, and let us know what happens.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
LOL - I like that idea!! That just might set him back a tad
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Well. If you wanted to swallow for your man and you couldn't stand the taste, why WOULDN'T you do what you had to do in order to accomplish this feat for your man? Who the heck SEZ it has to taste good or be paletteably appealing? Yeesh. Do what ya gotta, I say.
Believe it or not, some people WILL NOT take NO for an answer. They somehow think you are blowing smoke at them. Good example, SINCE YOU BROUGH IT UP.
My BF said he was completely willing to play ball in the mud. If you don't know what that means... just think about it for awhile. I kept saying... NO! NO! Aboslutely not, no way. He said, "I don't mind." I said.... yeah you would. Back and forth. So by golly, one time, I brought the whole flippin' 9 man team out to Play Ball in the Mud.
Looked like Custard's Last Stand before the night was done.
Graphic for you all. Yes. But... that was my point, really. Know me. Know my body. Have BTDT that... he didn't want to listen. Fine. Let's go. MF. Doubt my honesty.
Same way with BJs amd Anal. Some people just cannot, will not, take no for an answer. Something must be wrong with YOU. Can't possibly be any legitimacy to your claims to the contrary... why hold back your reactions... if we are ALL BEING HONEST? So don't go the laxative route... but don't hold back the bile, either, if it is honest.
Or... drink a glass of water if that's what it takes to hold it down. YOU pick.
I pick I don't do it at all - makes life simple right?
And, if "my man" loves me, he will respect my choices too. It's not that I wouldn't do certain things but I still feel it has to be mutual. If you are doing it simply to please someone else, regardless of your moral views or acceptance of the matter, sorry, I don't agree it should be forced on you and perhaps "they" should learn to take "no" for an answer instead of being selfish and just wanting it all their own way
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
"I guess in a nutshell, I am more into ML and he is more into F#$%ing"
That was my thinking with my wife. In a way, it was symptamatic of other problems in our R. I felt unconsiously that more passionate and kinkier sex could make up for the lack of affection I felt. I felt the same way your H did, that her lack of openness to try new things was a reflection of her feelings for me. I would have also been happy to ML as well, but not for me to ML to her but for her to ML to me (Not just phsyically but emotionally as well.)
I needed her to be I think you may find that after opening up a bit like you have, he will shift more to the ML side of the spectrum.
