I found out two weeks ago my wife wants to divorce. I am crushed! I've been trying to talk with her, to no avail. I recently bought the Divorce Remedy. Of course after reading the book I have learned that I have been doing a lot of things wrong in trying to save our marriage. I have started putting into practice some things that she has stated as being a problem. I have only seen a few small signs of progress, but progress is progress..."Small steps". I asked her to read the book, she has agreed, is this a good idea or bad?
Any books that you can get your spouse to read that will help your R/M is a VERY good idea. A lot of spouses can't get their partner to read the books so they have to practice all the things on their own, which is still good, but not as good as when they both read it.
When my H has his first A, he never read anything, wouldn't go for counselling - nothing! It was just a disaster waiting to happen all over again, and it did!!
This time, is like night and day. We are reading the books together, going for C together and separately and working very hard to keep this R together. It has made all the difference in the world and I REALLY, TRULY believe we are going to make it
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Hi! I'm a newcomer and I'm in the midst of reading the book and going through the website and message boards. But I have a question about reading the book with your partner.
I really want us to both to read the book as I think it would help. And I still think it will help even if he doesn't, but if you're both reading the book, how does doing the 180 or going dark help? Do you just hope that with both of you reading and applying the practices of the book, you won't have to go dark? What if you have another one of those fights and both of you go dark? Well actually, my husband automatically goes dark anyways and wants to end the relationship. I'm always the one begging and crying and pleading. So, if I do a 180 and stop with the desperate behavior and he's not talking to me anyways and if after reading the book, he realizes that I'm doing a 180 so therefore continues to not talk me thinking I'm trying to manipulate him, wouldn't the situation just get worse?
Sorry for my rambling! I'm just trying to figure out if it really is best for both of us to read the book. I want our situation to get better, not worse. Please advise. I'm so confused!!!
I think the book is more intended for one person. If he reads then he may think that your 180 is you being manipulative or fake. You need to change for yourself and be a better person hopefully that will bring him around. Maybe if things get better but not right now. Hope this helps!
Gotta chime in here, through a recent text message, I also asked my W to check out the book, give it a chance, and read it with an open mind and heart, She also is completely against any kind of C, My kids told me that she took them to the library this past week, and as far I as I know she didn't pick it up, or even look for it. Well, whatever I tried.
When this is all said and done, I know that, I am/have done everything in my power to save the M, I also think the book is better for one person to read at a time, but one has to understand what the book is about, it is about making yourself a better person, so if you can, save a M, If one is not wanting to change themselves and the M, then there is nothing in the book that is going to change their mind. In the end, it is a matter of choice.
As far as your question about the 180 and going dark, I think that if your spouse did read the book, they would if they had an open mind and heart, think that this is the lengths that my W/H will go to save the M, and at least respect, maybe even admire it.
Sort of a double edged sword there. I asked my W to read the book and then had that thrown back in my face!
Reading on my own at the moment and trying to apply the techniques. Difficult to read the signs at the moment, but looking hard and trying the old patience thing.
What I see is every single situation is probably going to be different.
Quick Recap - Saturday 7/21 I told my WAW I was tired of all the lies and cheating behind my back, told her to consider leaving, so she started to pack. I gave her the tough love "if you must go then go" speech, then she took the kids for an overnight "camping" trip. We talked a little over phone afterwards, was good convo. The next day I bought DR on the way home from church. Later that day I found out she was spending the day and time with OM. Boy was I mad. But later we still talked about us. She came home and picked up the book and started reading, just a little and said "that looks very interesting".
I think it is a very good book, exspecially for the one who wants to save the marriage. But there are so many items covered in there that not only suggest positive changes for the saver, but also so many for the runner.
Depending on how your spouse and you really feel about each other, the bond between you, are there kids involved, how close you really are, are you truely best friends.... you may have good results.
My wife is going away this coming weekend, my goal is to finish the book, and then ask her to take it with her if she has any free time, she probably wont have time, but I have to try one way or another.
Take care and good luck, Chuck _________________________ Me: 38 W: 35 D: 15 D: 8 S: 6 D: 6 Together 12 years Married 9 Years Still thinking positive!!!!!!!
I was told its not a good idea to let partner know you have read the book and give it to them, as its like giving the other team the play book!!! Just my opinion but i tried that and took it back after she read the first chapter. Still working my own issues out in Relationship and new to this board. Hope that helps.
Married 13 years Me: 43 W: 39 D-19 D-18 D-13 S-25
Wake me up Bomb: July 1 2007
Wife Ring off: Jan 8 2008
-Time Is my Friend? -Put your Trust in God! -Pray lots! <------<<<
I also asked my spouse to read the book. Especially the first 56 pages. She did, and said that she was ticked because that wasn't us. So, you do what you do...
Me: 47 Pet: Kind labrador, 12 years old. Best Friend anybody could have.
Divorce final 12/07/07 No Kids
It is no longer about the divorce or about her. It's all about how I live my life now.
What you do is stop trying to convince your W that she needs to do something different, whether it's reading the book or staying home or etc., etc., etc.
YOU read the book and follow it. If you do this, I guarantee a win-win situation for you, whether your marriage survives or not.
