W moving out & says that it's permanent - Part 2

[12_51]

My original thread is locked up.

Here's a link to the first part...

She's moving out and says that it's permanent - Part 1

I'm going to continue here.....

[12_51]

I really hate this sick feeling I'm getting the closer it get to the meeting time.

I really hope this goes well, but it's going to really take a mirical for her to turn around.

I'm going to go hit it with my best and try to "make a sale."

[12_51]

Any last minute suggestions for meeting with my wife?

Wish me luck!!! And please pray for me.

[12_51]

Here's how things went tonight.....

I met my w at our house about 7pm, we then went to eat Mexican and had a pitcher of margarita's. We talked and laughed. It was like old times. We saw people there that we knew and enjoyed talking with them. Things really seemed like they had always been.

When we got back to the house we went over the finances. I had prepared a list of expenses with her paying half and me paying half. She had not problem even when I pointed out that her expenses were going to exceed her income. She said that she had borrowed money from her parents. We talked about selling the house and getting it ready to put on the market.

During our finance talk she seemed very certain about divorce. We talked about it like it was something that we were doing together almost. It really was strange.

I also suggested that we both remain in the house, get it ready to sell, and after it's sold then deal with the divorce. She said that wouldn't work.

She then addressed some of the things that we had discussed the previous week about our sexual relationship and relationship in general. We talked until about 10:30pm. She cried and I offered a shoulder only to be told that she had wanted that for the past 10 years and not now.

I told her that I was sincere. That I had woken up late, but that I was very sincere in that I loved her and wanted her in my life. She said why should I believe you now. I asked her if she thought I was a sincere person and she agree ed. I again told her I was sincere about our relationship.

We have a friend that had cheated on his wife and they were able to patch things back up. You can see in his face that he is grateful for his marriage and that he got a second chance. It really is amazing. I told her this and that I too would be grateful to have a second chance.

She agreed that I had improved and that I had improved greatly since she had left. But that she had been wanting me to improve for the past 10 years and I wouldn't. I told her that I was sorry that I had done this, but that I was changing and could be the man she wanted.

She is very set on the problem that I had just now changed and hadn't in previous times when she was begging me. I really don't blame her for feeling this way and I told her I understood. Several times she said that I didn't understand.

I pray that she understands that I am sincere and that I am the man for her and that she won't give up completely.

I fear that she will still move out on the 5th, but I may still have a small chance. I need to figure out the next plan.

---

Tonight I believe that I was able to do the following:

- be happy
- be strong, self assured, confident, reassuring
- be positive
- be my old self --- confident!!!
- don't be fake
- be firm
- listen
- dress nice (new shirt/outfit)
- if she cries let her and offer a strong shoulder
- be empathic and caring toward her
- crack a good joke or two
- explain how the new testosterone med's have worked
- go over the finances with her / show her my plan, but still flexible somewhat
- tell her I am standing firm that I understand that she has the right to leave, but that I have know that things can be worked out
- if she is scared, tell her that I understand and offer a shoulder
- if she talks about selling the house, I will ask when she is available to help get it ready for the market
- tell her that I've met some really nice people is the support groups
- review the LD problems, if she brings it up
- no R talk unless she brings it up -- then let her lead
- no I miss you's
- don't walk on eggshells
- if she hurts my feelings, get over it or hide it well

------

The following area's need improvement:

- that it is important to me that we will remain friends
(never said this, however I think we had a friendly evening.)

- be a little mysterious
(I really wasn't very mysterious, except she asked why I couldn't meet last night and I gave her an answer that could have been more mysterious.)

- no R talk unless she brings it up -- then let her lead
(She brought it up, but I probably talked too much. I should have cut it shorter.)

- no ILY's
(I did say that I was sincere in that I loved her and wanted her in my life. And I did say it a few times during the conversation. I think it was important to say it in the conversation, but I probably should have cut it shorter.)

- no pleading / begging
(I really didn't beg like I had been doing before, but it might have appeared that I was begging some when I explained that I was now awake and that I was sincere. When I give my word on something, I stand by it. It's a good/bad fault I have. If I say I will do something, I do it, but there are times when I probably should have said I can't do it. This is especially true in business and probably also part of the reason why I'm in the situation I'm in. Too may promises that I feel that I must keep to clients and others. I should have put my wife first at all times.)

- I should have cut it off sooner and left. However, not in a needy / crying way I still kept running my damn mouth. Even after I put my shoes back on and got ready to leave. I really wasn't pleading in the way that I've done before. It was different, but it probably would be considered pleading in a way. But it wasn't whiney. Does this make sense?)

----

I think she knows where I stand and how I feel about her. It really just depends on wither she can get past me not doing it sooner. I think she knows that I am sincere, but I think she is still mad and doesn't trust me. And wants to "punish" me.

I think that she will probably move out next Saturday (May 5th). But I still may have a very small chance with her. She's mad about the past still and I don't know that she'll be very quick to turn it back around. (and I really don't blame her) She said during our finance talk that she really doesn't see it working out. But then, later she seemed to still be thinking about it.

I'm not sure that it will work out for us, but I tried and that's all I can do.

Right now I am in peace, but then that may just be the margarita's....

Thanks everyone for their support and help. I've learned so much and really feel better about myself. If she does leave it's going to really hurt and if she divorces me it's going to hurt even more, but some how I think I can probably make it.

I just hope she'll give me one last chance.....

I'm looking forward to comments on how others think I did tonight. Don't be shy, if I need a kick, then kick me. I can take it. It'll make me a better person!!

-----------

P.S. Hey Corri, I think they are getting bigger.... Take a look.... I didn't cry or whine and didn't do the desperate begging/pleading that I've done before. I was much stronger and confident than a week ago. One day they'll be huge. -- Ever heard the AC/DC song "We've got big balls"?

[12_51]

This morning I'm really feeling lonely. I'm fearing that it really is too late. I think last night went ok and I did much better than I have in the past. But, she really doesn't seem to be moving away from her position on divorce.

[fearless]

12_51,

Glad to hear that the evening went well. As much as you want to think (and hope) that things can change overnight, please remember that things did not disintegrate overnight either. This WILL take some long term work by you. You have TOLD your wife you have heard her, have made specific actions (prescription, etc.) to fix the issues and have shown her some short term changes. The next step is to continue those changes and to cement them in YOUR life and SHOW her the changes are for good. While of course you do not want her to move out, I would not view her moving out as anything more than a stage she is going through. It is NOT a reflection of the work you have done the past few weeks. Her reactions will probably lag your changes by weeks if not months. I doubt she is doing it purposely/consciously but in many ways this is a test for you. WIll you give up and go back to old patterns depending on what she does over the next few weeks? If you can show that you will keep on this path even as she moves out, you will send a very strong message.

I am glad that you recognize her frustration that you did not change sooner. Do not try to argue the point with her. Keep the simple mantra whether you actually say it out loud or not - I wish I had changed sooner but I am changing NOW. While apologies are good, the key is to keep them short and sincere and to keep from appearing whiny.

As far as mysteriousness, try not to play games with this. Instead really set up dinner or drinks with friends, work outs or runs, attend lectures, go to the movies, etc. If you get caught "faking" a GAL, it will not appear strong.

By the way, what other issues are there with your marriage other than the "too little sex?"

Keep strong and stay focused!!!

Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do - John Wooden

(You cannot force your wife to not move out or to come back. You can change yourself!)

[Heywyre]

12_51

You did good !!! Probably a little on the begging side but, all in all, a good show of strength. You covered the subjects you wanted to (albeit with a little help from margaurita - lol) but you did it nonetheless.

Now it is time for HER to digest what you said. It is a lot to throw at her all at once. Like Fearless said, this mess didn't happen overnight and it won't fix itself overnight either. It is going to take a LOT of work, from both sides. But it seems there is still some doubt in her heart and mind that she REALLY wants to do this (D) so perhaps she will take a little time, not file any papers for the time being, and see if this "new man" continues on with his promises.

I thought you might feel down this morning - its quite a rollercoaster ride at times but you are holding strong so far and will be ok. You need to vent here as much as possible so it doesn't come out in your conversations with her. Give her some time to think about all that was said last night. Don't think that she won't be going through some serious ups and downs too. This isn't all about you. In the meantime, take care of YOU, keep up with GAL and taking those meds. And when you do talk to her, say you HAVE taken care of the problem (regarding the meds etc.) don't make it sound like you are "kinda" doing something about it, be confident and strong, that is what she wants to see

And yes, from the bulge in your pants, I can see they have grown a fair amount already

[Corri]

12:

Thanks for the update. I was wondering about you.

All in all, it sounds like it went pretty well. Keep your eye on the prize.

And if I have one ounce of productive advice, besides being rude and getting in your face (which seems to be my forte {sigh}...)

... listen to NOP.

Corri

[2in2myself]

12_51
It sounds like you did a really good job last night! Be glad; as another poster on this board said; the sitch did not develop overnight, and it won't go away quickly. It's a natural desire to want everything "fixed" right away, but PATIENCE, PATIENCE, and more PATIENCE! We always seem to want what we want when we want it, but you showing your W sincere changes will be working on her. So continue to stay frosty, stay on track, and don't fall back into the trap of being our old needy, whining selves. As far as feeling down, I suspect that part of you was hoping that the night would show a drastic turn around. I think this, because I believe that part of me would have thought the same. Just stay firm and confident, and keep reading the posts by Corri, et. al. Peace be with you, and try to look at long term goals, instead of worrying over last night. Don't keep rehashing it over and over. Instead, look for reasons to get together again. But remember to still give her room to breath.

[MJontheMend]

I feel kind of odd responding to your thread being pretty close to wearing your wife's shoes. I don't know if my advice would be great or lousy for that reason. I guess the question I have for you is "What does you wife think was the 'reason' for your LD?". The reason I ask this is that I know that I would never get back together with my H until he addressed what I see as the root cause of his LD which has less to do with sexuality per se than his attitude towards life in general. Really, I might say that I would never get back together with my H because if he made the changes that would make me feel secure about getting back together with him he would be an altogether new person, not my old husband.

So, here's what I'm thinking. You aren't happy now and you almost certainly won't happy as a LDH, right? So, if YOU want to be happy in the future, you need to change something about yourself to achieve that. If you make that change or changes then you will be happier whether or not you get back together with your wife. Your wife has already made some changes that enabled her to take the step to leave. If she isn't happy with her decision than she might want to make further changes in herself that might lead her to want to get back together with you, but maybe not. If she believes that enabling herself to be a sexually active person is part of taking good care of herself, she will have to carefully consider whether getting back together with you would be a healthy move. Basically, you are like a car that failed Consumers Reports every year that you were a LDH. How are you going to prove to her that you will be a safe and secure ride in the future? You can't rely on customer loyalty. That is what you just lost.