Let me start by saying I wish I had found this book a few years ago! This book is exactly my life story. After my children were born I focused all my energy on them and totally neglected my husband. He made repeated attempts and pleads to increase our intimacy, but I would have nothing to do with it. The resentment game went on for 5 years, until my husband decided to find sex and admiration somewhere else! We are 2 months into dealing with his one month affair and I am totally confused. He is back, very remorseful, seeking therapy and committed and unbelievably our sex life has been better than ever? I never thought I would have sex with him again and yet I want him more than ever (probably because I now realize other women do to) . The book makes me think this is his way of trying to get close to me and connect again, but I can't help wondering if he is just using me and thinking of the other woman? I don't want to mess this up again, but really need to understand why he can't keep his hands off me now?????? Thanks for any advise!
Hon, it could be as simple as he can't keep his hands off you now...because you are finally open to allowing him to do that.
He's been wanting that connection with you all along. He's remorseful for stepping out of the marriage. YOU have finally opened your eyes to the portion of the pain your were responsible for in your own marriage (not saying you were responsible for his affair, that was 100% his choice)...and NOW you two CAN have that intimate connection.
I'm not surprised at all that he's not able to keep his hands off you...that's what he wanted all along hon. To be able to have that intimate physical contact with you, and have you be receptive to it and want it as well.
It's perfectly natural after an affair for you to think "he's doing this with me but is he thinking about her." My guess is....he's not, he's finally getting what he wanted WITH the woman he wanted it with....YOU.
Like GEL said, I doubt very much that he is thinking of her while he is with you. You are what he wanted in the first place.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Happens to the best of us, sweetie! Now you need to quit beating yourself up and forgive yourself for your "transgressions" in the M and get on w/ life and making your M wonderful.
I was the same way w/ my H -- couldn't get enough, but don't be surprised when that levels off a little. Sometimes you are going to have to just do it even if you're tired, etc., etc. and you'll be glad you did. Once the "honeymoon" wears off, you still need to make sure you keep up the effort of working on yourself and the M.
Also, don't get all freaked out if he doesn't initiate every day or sometimes just holds you and then rolls over & goes to sleep. If he's getting it all the time, he's not going to be needing to beg for it anymore. This all has happened to me in the last few months, so I'm speaking from experience.
Just enjoy! The A is going to take time to get over, for both of you. Read my "expert NOP" thread here on SSM. It's about A's and getting over it, etc. You'll start getting the trust back, but don't be surprised if "normal things" make you wonder what he's doing or what he's thinking, etc.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I can't thank you all enough for your support, it really helps! I hope he really is wanting to get close to me, but obviously my self esteem is in the gutter right now. I find it hard to imagine he's attracted to me after being with someone new and exciting who in my mind must have a better body(never had kids), be better in bed, etc. I've heard it's a fine line between working on a marriage after an affair and becoming a doormat. I have made it clear that I am working on forgiving ONCE and if anything inappropriate happens again, I am gone! But, there is the part of me that completely feels like the doormat! He had his fun and is now back and his wife is having sex with him again. He has had the best of both worlds and it makes me very disgusted, resentful etc. Soooo.. it's very tempting to use my same old control issue and withhold sex. I know this is what got me in this mess in the first place but it is a hard habit to break. How do you get that control and feeling of safety back in your life without becoming so damn vulnerable?
Those feelings are normal....I can relate totally to them....I think at some point in any marriage w/kids the woman can relate to this....and the man, lol
I would say the reason he is "all hands on" is because he is trying to show you that YOU are the object of his affections now...he is being reassurring to you in a way that a man feels reassured....with physical actions...
I think sometimes the remorseful H also will be a bit MORE affectionate so as to "block" out any of the memories he is trying to forget....including the guilt...being able to be with you intimately reassures him that he hasn't lost you, that he can have you, and in time things will be ok...
Like the others said though....don't be suprised when things get back to "normal"...that is when it will be up to you to fan the flames for a bit...initiate...this is where YOUR work on the M comes in....you can't let the fire go out like before...
And please please please....don't use sexas punishment and reward....that is not healthy for you or him....or your children...
