For several years, I was LD because I was tired of asking for more affection from H and not receiving it. I rarely turned him down, but I didn't encourage him and I didn't participate much. In Dec 2003, we started C on my suggestion. We had sessions with her for a year. I wanted for either H to understand why affection is important to a woman and what kind of affection I wanted or I needed to learn how to do without. While in C, we talked about our sex life and I said I was bored even though I didn't want to say that because I knew it would hurt H. Then sex fell off to once about every 6 to 8 weeks. I still didn't feel like I was getting what I needed to feel like ML, and H was afraid of being boring but doing anything about it. That was when I read SSM. It convinced me to "just do it." We started ML about once a week. Our R improved some, but sex started declining again. H stopped initiating sex as often and I started getting tired of being the only one.
Just in the last couple of weeks, I realized something I do often that really irritates H. H wants to do something one way, I have another idea or opinion. He insists his way is better, I don't feel like my way was even considered and keep explaining why my way might work. H tells me my way is okay. Sometimes he is mad, sometimes not (or at least he doesn't show it). I do it my way whether he agreed or not--just to show that it might work. I don't know why it took me so long to finally see his point of view. I always felt that I wasn't listened to and he rarely wanted to do anything my way. He kept saying that I never did things his way. How could he possibly be not getting his way when I wasn't getting mine?! After finally seeing the light, I have vowed to do a complete 180 and stop trying to force my ideas on H. I sent H an e-mail letting him know that I finally understood why he felt that he rarely gets his way. We had been working on a major project when the realization hit me. We had also disagreed about a couple other things about that same project. I apologized to him for all of those things. He has been so appreciative of my recognition that he has been the happiest I've seen him in a long time. He is being more affectionate and playful. He really listens to me now and responds in a way I know I was heard. Michelle's book has put our marriage back on the right track. C and finding out I was depressed, thus going on AD also helped, but Michelle deserves most of the credit. If I hadn't read SSM, we would probably not be ML at all.
I have also read "Getting Through To the Man You Love, "Divorce Busting," and Dr. Gary Chapman's "Five Love Languages" as well as some others that are not very memorable. SSM was my favorite. I have also purchased 3 sessions with a DB coach. I have used two of them.
H and I haven't had a disagreement since my revelation, so I haven't had a chance to practice. But I am continuing a positive attitude, doing nice things for H, and complimenting him without referring to past behaviors or expecting a compliment in return. I hope these positive effects carry through to the bedroom.
Unfortunately, sometimes we have to be the one who steps up and does the work w/o expecting anything in return for awhile. Once things are on the up & up, we have to make sure we continue to put in the effort, even if it doesn't seem that they are putting in any effort. Then, maybe, once we feel things may be finally at a comfortable level and have been for enough time, we may bring up some R talk and ask for some reciprocation, but someone has to start the ball rolling.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I am seeing some positive responses in my H since my previous post here. Hopefully the intimate touching outside of sex will start happening soon, too.
