EA maybe more

[soul_mate]

I have not posted on this site for the past couple months since things seemed to be progressing well with me an my W. I few weeks ago I found out she was in contact with OM that she was talking to when we were having problems. He gave her a ride home one night, which she lied about, but later told me the truth without me asking. She says she wants to make our R work, but I know she still has feelings for this OM. She went 2 months without contacting him before she recontacted him a few weeks ago. She may have not done anything physical, but I know it is not just an inocent freindship.

Well now I know she is checking things on the internet like astrology to see if she is a good match with him or myself. She also is texting him often. I am sick of pretending I know nothing and want to confront her for the truth. One good thing is that he did move out of state last week (too far for regular travel). So I think maybe it will die out anyway, but then again I don't like being a second option and being craped on. After saying all this I want to do what is right to make our R work.

Any advice would really be helpful since I have been seriously considering confronting her and may do it today. Thanks again.

[runningoutoftime]

You can ask, or confront, but you may not get an honest answer.

Don't think of yourself as second option or that you are being "crapped on." Rather than seeing yourself at the center of this look at your wife and realize it's not you, but she who is having a problem. She's probably confused, maybe going through some sort of depression and looking to "feed" it with the biochemical changes (excitement) that one gets from an affair. It's sort of like someone testing drugs or using alcohol. Affairs are a false high, but people who are involved with them generally don't realize this and tend to get caught up in them.

Other people might disagree with me on this, but I believe exposing affairs is good because they thrive with secrecy. However, I also think one needs to be careful how they do this. If you blame or shame them, and do things that makes them feel the situation is being "rubbed in their face," this may tear the marriage apart. I don't think it's wise to go there.

Probably your best bet, since this is a very emotional situation, is to read, reread and reread (have I mentioned reread?) Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting over and over and over until you know it intimately, emotionally detach, work on yourself, GAL and focus on your kids.

[soul_mate]

Thanks for the reply. Last night I know she was texting him a lot, but she came home extremely friendly towards me and wanting to get frisky. She hasn't acted like this for some time. To make it short Later on in the night I told her I thought she was being secretive and wanted to know about the OM. She told me a lot about him and told me that she did not think of him as anymore than a friend. I am very positive that it is not an PA. She said the OM has good stories and is fun she also mentioned that he pays for sex and probally has STDs. I told her that he is a guy and I am sure he likes her or would like to do more with her and she admitted that is probally true, but she would never.

After I confronted her she sleep with her phone by her in bed obviosly she didn't want me to look at her text messages. She also changed her password on her phone account this morning. This behavior tells me once again that she is hiding something. The signals I am getting are really mixed and I am really confused. I want to belive her and better our R, but I am having a hard time trusting her when she obviously doesn't want me to know how much they are talking. One more thing none of the messages I have seen between them have led me to believe there is something more than a friendship. In short I believe her when she talks to me, but the phone behaviour still gives me many doubts.

[runningoutoftime]

With the guy living out of state there is a good chance things will die out. Those long distance relationships can be difficult to maintain. Do you happen to know off-hand if he'll be back in your area any time soon?

In the meantime... are you working out at the gym, buying yourself attractive clothes, taking care of YOU?

One thing to consider... our spouses can meet OP at any time. It could end with one tomorrow and then they find someone else the next day... what you want is to work on yourself so the whomever you are with (hopefully the wife) will want to make you the first choice. Being depressed, angry, or insecure isn't going to create this. You need to focus on yourself, read relationship books, books about women (how to attract, meet their needs, be their friend, etc...), you need to make yourself a "magnet" to females, the kind of guy any woman would want to be with. By doing this, hopefully your wife will be wise enough to realize she has something special and she better hang on.

Work on being your wife's friend right now, ask her lots of questions, be a great listener, get a baby sitter and invite her out one night a week, get the whole family together and go hiking or to the zoo... relax, take things easy, be positive and just try to be her friend. Try to create positive situations, good times, and good memories.

You can't change your wife, if she does find someone else and wants to leave she'll do it, but take this time while you're together to work on your relationship skills (on YOU). You won't lose anything by doing that and you may end up making your marriage a whole lot better.

[soul_mate]

Thanks again for the reply. I guess I need to just focus more on myself. It is hard to work on the R in a positive way when you know the W is not being honest with you. I say this, but I have been very positive and friendly around her. I do wear nice clothes and know that she is attracted to me, but the desire is not the same after being married for such a long period of time. One big problem we have is that we rarely get to go out togther since we have no one to watch the kids. As for the OM I have no idea when he will be back, but I am sure he will be he has lots of money. I am just confused with her right now. She says she wants to make the R work, which is great since we went through a few months where she wanted to end the R altogther and did not want to work on it. She admits to having walls put up and it will take time for things to progress. So everything with the R is looking positive except for the fact that she still contacts OM frequently and is secretive about it. I will probally be in the dark now since she seems to be likely to cover her tracks now that I confronted her. I will try to keep my cool and not do anything to hurt my ultimate goal of having a great marriage and family.

[runningoutoftime]

Is there any family that can watch the kids sometimes? Do try and find a babysitter. Teenagers LOVE to make extra money and younger kids generally adore them so try to find a responsible teen to babysit once in awhile. Or perhaps trade off with another couple that has similarly aged kids. One Saturday night you and your wife go out, the next Saturday night they go out....

At the very least try to do this once a month. Believe me, I've been there with the young kids and it's extremely important you and your wife get some type of break once in awhile. This is one thing my husband and I didn't do when the kids were younger and it was a HUGE mistake.

Heck, even if you just have a jacuzzi in the yard (or get one!!!), plan a candle light dessert after the kids have gone to sleep, wine or martinis, and hang out in the jacuzzi together.

Go to the gym together, put the kids in childcare there. Go on the machines and talk together, work out, play a few rounds of raquetball. Some gyms have a snack bar... get a coffee or snack and hang out talking for 30 minutes and enjoying some time without the kids...

Get a pizza to go and go to a local park. Spread out a blanket and you and the wife hang out together talking while the kids are off playing in the sand.... at least there will be moments while it will just be you two talking together bonding.