Hi. Don't want to have to be here, but hope you guys have some insights for me.
My hubby and I met at 18 in college, married at 21, and were each other's first and only sexual partner until four months ago. He is a successful physician, and we have 3 kids---13, 8, and 4.
His father had a history of serial affairs, and his parents even separated for one year when my H and his brother were in their 20's, but they eventually reconciled and now have a good relationship. My H always said that he would never do to me and the kids what his father did, and even when we would fight or argue, he always said, "Divorce is not an option." He even told it to the kids.
3 days before Christmas (on our 17th anniv.) he told me he didn't love me anymore and was thinking of leaving. Denied there was anyone else. A lie, of course. Turns out he's having a mid-life crisis (though he doesn't want to characterize it that way) and an affair with a 21 yr. old wh*** who worked in his office. (She doesn't work there anymore, & all the other doctors and employees now hate her and completely disapprove of what he's doing.)
Even after he told me the truth and was being completely horrible (every mean thing in the DR section on "How to Survive His Mid-Life Crisis" about blaming everything on the wife, he's done) we still had an active sex life and even went to parties together and on a long weekend trip to visit some friends.
He moved out 9 weeks ago and got an apt. w/ a 6 mnth. lease, but has not filed for divorce or even seen an attorney as far as I can tell. He says the OW is not living with him (she still lives with her mommy) but I know they're together all the time.
We always had a joint bank account, and even though he's opened his own, separate account now, he still brings me his paychecks to deposit to the joint account. Our tax refund was deposited directly to our account, and he's told me about a huge investment return we're getting in a couple of weeks and even talked about what to do with it---what bills to pay off, etc.
He's made no move to take us off his insurance, or to take me off as beneficiary of his life insurance, or to change his will or anything like that. When he gets dental work or anything like that done, he still gives our home address, not his apt.
He has not been very good about seeing the kids, almost like he wishes he could erase them as well as me, but some tiny seed of love or maybe just obligation won't quite let him. He has not taken them to his apt. or had them be around the OW at all. He doesn't ever talk about her, even though all 3 of the kids know what is going on.
Sometimes when he comes to see them he distant and remote and seems to want to leave as quickly as possible, and has on occasion been unkind to them, but other times he's upbeat and playful with them. We occasionally still do things together as a whole family---out to dinner for the 13 yr. old's b-day, Easter lunch, out to visit our horse in the country. He comes over & drives my car like it's a normal family outing.
Family has always been extremely important to him, and when my in-laws and I got into the typical in-law struggles, he would support me but always encouraged me to not take it too seriously---to keep the whole extended family intact and together and happy. His parents retired here 4 years ago at his urging, and have been a large part of our lives. They now are extremely disappointed in him and are not speaking to him. He's upset that they are supportive of me rather than him, and he's not speaking to them, either.
This past week he's mentioned divorce twice, the only time it's come up since he moved out. His mom was reading the DR book, but when he drove up unexpectedly she left immediately and left the book laying on the couch. He saw it, and said, "We are getting a divorce." I shook my head and said no. He said, "So what, you're just not going to do it? Not going to sign it?" I told him I thought there was still something here worth saving. He saw another book laying out that another doctor had loaned me, and exasperatedly asked, "So who doesn't know by now??" Then as he left to take our son to baseball, he asked me if I wanted a pizza left over from lunch at the office. So from divorce!, to embarrassment? about others knowing our situation, to do you want some pizza in the span of about 15 minutes.
The subject came up again a few days later when on a family outing to see the horse, he asked "So who gets the horse in the divorce?" I said, "That's not funny. You know we all still care about you and want you to come home," then walked away. On the way home he was very inquisitive about a lot of things the kids and I have been doing and asked about friends he knew we had visited, and even asked about my family, who he has never really liked or connected with.
His dad thinks these are actually all positive things, and thinks the word divorce wouldn't have come up if he hadn't seen the book. He says he promised every OW he ever had that he would divorce his wife and marry her, but he never meant it. His parents are convinced that he will eventually come back. I'm clinging to that hope while at the same time trying to get on with life as best I can for me and the kids.
So, my question is, what's going on? I am trying to be strong for myself and my kids, trying to follow the advice in DR and am using most of the points in the TLR technique, but I don't know what to think. Would love some advice from others who have been through this or are currently going through this.
Me:40, xH:41 M:19 T:21 D14, S10, D6 IDLYA bomb:12/22/06 OW bomb (21 yr. old employee):12/23/06 H move out 2/07, OW move in 5/07 D papers served 6/07 D final Nov. 26, 08 :-(
Ok...where to start??? First to tell you, you are not alone! My H has done all of the above...he left us the week before Christmas...I am his second marriage, I have two stepsons and two daughters from our marriage, they are 5 and 1.
Told me he didn't love me and did not want to be married anymore...OUT OF THR CLEAR BLUE....left...come to find out, OW is 28 and has two kids of her own. He is supposed to be living with his mother but only stays there when he has the kids...otherwise that living with OW.
My kids have not met her and will not until our D is final. H filed the end of March, we go to court in June. He still has not moved his things out of the house...only took the big screen tv and his golf clubs, and my stepsons beds. Thats it!
My H is like yours in that he is not attentive with the kids...He doesn't call them and only sees them because his mother says he has to. My MIL/FIL are very supportive of me and the girls but still side with him...basically he is using them and doesn't care.
I am sure your inlaws want what is best for the kids but be careful how much you say to them.
When H mentions divorce, ignore it. If he wants to file, he will.
As far as money, my H did the same thing. Kept direct deposit into our joint acct until his lawyer told him to stop and open his own checking acct. H has changed credit card numbers so I no longer have access to them (sneaky!) None of this is characteristic of him at all!
Now, the money has stopped coming in, he has lost two jobs and his life is a mess. I am hurt, disappointed and disgusted, not so much with how he is treating me but more about the kids...
My advice to you is to GAL, do things with the kids and things for you! Try not to let this consume you too much...I know it is difficult! Don't give him tons of information about the kids...let him ask the questions,,,only answer the bare minimum...Let him know what he is missing!!
Not sure what happens to these men....it is like a switch gets turned and they are someone we don't recognize.
Your H may just need a break (not saying it is right!!) As far as OW, act like she doesn't exist!! No matter how many people think he is wrong until he realizes it nothing is going to change...remember an OW is a bandaid...a "feel good" for the moment...it will not last! Keep your kids safe and protected through all this...
Your H is acting like a typical MLCer...the more you read here the more you will understand it! Vent here...we will listen...do not beg, plead and ask questions your H doesn't even know the answer to. Do that here and we can help!
It is a long road...some here have been lucky enough to come through it with their marriage intact. Like I said, do things for you and put you and your children first. Detach from him and let him see what he is missing. If you are trying to talk to him about the relationship he will not have a chance to reflect.
There is no answer to what is going on. There are a lot of things in common among WAS whether mlc or not. Some LBS still question the reality of mlc. Few counselors speak of it. They do support the WAS as they express their despair and their percieved need to move on with their life, etc.
There is published material on mlc, some dated, some from clerical help sites. But you will struggle to get a MD professional to sit down and explain it to you.
What we usually see, hear, and say ... is in line with your experiences. Please read the links at the tope of mlc forum pinned up by Smurf. SixStagesMLC or for a little comic relief MLCforDummies
If you are close to inlaws ask them about your H self esteem as he grew up. That is the seed to his crisis. Depression is the sustaining fuel. He feels he got M too soon or became overwhelmed with his responsibilities too soon? When they feel they missed their youth, they did not get those wild single years others had. They see younger people all around them enjoying the wild life. They now fantasize about this to escape their own reality. Then when they are down and blue they talk to a close contact at work. "Someone finally understands them." Bang. They are seventeen again and must be free to fully embrace that.
The OP may or may not press them to D. The OP is wrong, adulterous, and the WAS knows it. The WAS feels blame, remorse, and guilt for what they are doing to themselves and their family. They lash out at any source of guilt with anger, and think a D is the only option to the blame game. Do not feed the blame. If you are going to struggle with that, go ahead and file and get it over with because that is where it will lead.
The inlaws need to understand that. You all need to expect that he will demand his fantasy affair run its course, however that ends. It is his life. It is the life he feels he was denied or missed. The more publicly he is shamed in this the more he will feel driven to end the M in a D. He will be driven further from the inlaws by their inability to accept his crisis as his reality. He needs to project his own reality on others rather than accept theirs. He needs the world to see things the way he sees them. Of course that would create a rather sick, twisted, if not totally sinful existence for everyone.
The best thing is for everyone to read, read, read. Learn. Discuss privately. Share. Understand. Learn more patience than you ever imagined. Focus on your faith. Surround yourself in faith and be not tempted by those telling you to just move on. They will. They will shout it in your face.
Understand this is his mortality. He suddenly knows he is in a now or never struggle with life over his lost youth. His life is percieved as half over. He is not mentally prepared to face his second adulthood. He was not prepared for this as he grew up. It is suddenly real, very real. He does not know how to embrace this reality and he is in pain he must medicate. The medication may include addictive drugs like drinking, spending wrecklessly, or the OP. These addictions are symptoms and they complicate his transition to his second adulthood. They are not the disease and they should not be your focus. That would only distract you from the real issues.
He is the only one that can solve this by facing his real issues. You can only hold down the fort and take care of yourself or the kids as if life will not end for you. You can only focus on positives and avoid being overwhelmed by negatives. There will be many more to come. The M may not survive this, but you will. You must. This was not and is not about you.
We all look back and see things we could have done better in the M. It is totally unrealistic at this point to think any of it would have prevented his sudden life crisis. No offense to his inlaws, but most agree that he was preprogrammed for this in youth. It was not intentional and parents likely didn't see it. The transition in crisis involves the emergence of a suppressed super ego arising to erase the years of low self esteem. You did not cause the low self esteem. Your H may not know he viewed himself so critically. But the MLCer did not grow up satisfied in themself and their life in a way that they can pass comfortably into their second adulthood.
Call this mlc. Call this crazy train. Or call this a person who feels they can truly only love one person at a time, and can not completely comit to either right now. Call it what you want. Be ready to call it that for at least a couple years, likely longer.
Keep reading, updating, and finding support here among friends. Consider letting your inlaws in on our little secret, but beware ... we rarely speak kindly of the aliens that have taken over our lives and the things posted here are likely to be offensive to the parents of the alien.
Reading should include a hard to find out of print title from Peter O'Conner "Understanding the Mid-Life Crisis". Good self help books for you may include "Hope for the Separated" and "Five Love Languages", both by Gary Chapman. Everyone enjoys and learns from the Mars&Venus series. So will your inlaws. When you feel strong enough for a very rough trip through midlife strife consider "In The Meantime - Finding Yourself And The Love You Want" by VanZandt. This was given to my X by her second therapist. It will give you an idea of what they must eventually resolve internally and the damage it may take for them to get there.
Thanks for the replies and the insights and for sharing your own stories with me. It does help to hear that others are going through a similar roller coaster ride.
I know some say not to share too much with the in-laws, but believe me, they are my rock right now. They are my cheerleaders, my helpers, and a huge part of my support group.
I am following the advice in Michelle's DR book, and they are very supportive of that, also, though my MIL says she doesn't think she could have ever been that strong!!
I'm trying to detach from H and his problems, but it is very, very, very difficult for me. I am seeing a psychiatrist/marriage counselor, and he is very supportive and thinks I am on the right track. It would just help if I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Thanks again, and look forward to chatting with more of you and learning more in the days, weeks, months (please, God, not years) to come.
Me:40, xH:41 M:19 T:21 D14, S10, D6 IDLYA bomb:12/22/06 OW bomb (21 yr. old employee):12/23/06 H move out 2/07, OW move in 5/07 D papers served 6/07 D final Nov. 26, 08 :-(
