In my last post I mentioned My wife was going to "put her family first" for a month. The suggestion was made by my sister-in-law. Well, I thought this was a grand idea and was on board with it. But something still didn't feel right. She was on business out of town and I broke into her email account again. (the last time I used software to break in which I've since uninstalled) This time I actually took a wild guess and viola! Nothing alarmed me 'til the last evening of her trip, when I intercepted a chat between her and the OM. There was lot's of stuff that indicated to me their relationship was very much in "full swing". They both said how excited they were to see each other the next day. I was told she'd be coming home on a 9pm flight. I called the airline to find she was actually on a 6pm arrival. I was pissed off beyond belief. She was gone for three days and the first place it appeared she was headed was to see the OM, not her family. Not exactly putting family first. I decided to take my boys out to the airport to "surprise" her on her arrival. Her response actually seemed genuinely happy and we went to dinner as a family. Later that evening, I confronted her about lying to me about the flight, for which she had a "seemingly convincing" excuse. I didn't mentioned the chat for fear of her anger for snooping again. I couldn't keep a lid on it though and by the following Saturday, I snapped. I told her I got into the email account again..... So she proceeds to downplay anything in the chat, and asks how I saw it because she deleted it. And of course, she then gets pissed because I violated her privacy once again. I think she feels nothing but contempt for me right now. The only things keeping her here with me now are our mutual finnancial obigations, and our kids. I think she's even started looking for a place. I want to know if anyone else has had an "unhealthy snooping obsession" such I have. Did your spouse ever get past it? I love my wife with all my heart but, I'm afraid our trust issues maybe too deep to salvage anything. Help!! Answers Please!!!
2*D - 38 W - 37 M - 10 years T - 13 years 2 boys (3 & 6yrs) Bomb - 11/12/06 PA exposed - 3/25/07
Snooping only hurts! I will vow to not snoop again, but I notice something odd (like on our phone bill) and then look further. I don't confront him about the things I find out from snooping so it just eats me up inside. I think we need to start a SA group (Snoopers Anonymous!)
I guessed my wife's gmail password, and the inevitable result was excruciatingly painful. I did something really bold and stupid, and emailed the OM! That gave away the fact that I was reading her email. Since then we've taken a tiny baby step towards reconciliation, but she's still very angry about the "privacy violation." Funny thing is, part of me knew that she'd figure it out and I was kind of relieved when I couldn't do that any more.
Snooping does hurt. I have had the same issues, that's how I found out about OM. I pay the cell bill, should I not look at it. MY W knows I can find out anything I want. I found his numbers, I found his address, I found his apartment after his W kicked him out. It has caused alot of problems, but I can't build trust if calls and meetings keep occuring. To build trust you have to see some kind of proof that behavior has changed or is changing. I haven't seen any phone calls between W and OM in over a week, does that mean it's over, I don't beleive that right now. It could be, but I have other info that tells me it's not. It give me time to really think about what I want for me and my kids.
If you look at my posts, you'll see that my W's OM lives right up the street from me. I physically confronted him (nothing violent, to my credit). This is my second time around for a W leaving me for someone else. Trust me - all the snooping, confronting, anger, etc. only hurts you. I did it all the first time around, got a restraining order against me - the whole works. No good comes of it. I let the first time affect me for years - I was bitter and unforgiving, and it carried over and harmed my 2nd marriage! I know it hurts. If you haven't read Divorce Remedy, I'd suggest getting it, and reading the chapter on infidelity.
I felt shame as well - but it's important to remember that it isn't your fault (even if you acknowledge your part of the relationship that helped cause it). Also, it's an old saying, but it's true - infidelity isn't the cause of a failed relationship, it's a symptom!
Hang in there! But remember, it is up to you to decide if you can forgive.
I can forgive. I actually already do. Us humans make errors in judgement daily. I love my wife w/out measure. But, I'm not sure she can forgive me for my snooping problem. Just as she chose to stray, I chose to snoop (invade her privacy). She seems more angry about my deeds than I do about her continued quasi-platonic relationship w/OM. He wants her so bad and I think that pressure may soon to get to her(negatively for the OM) 'Til then, I just need to GAL in a major way. We are still in the same house and same (mostly sexless) bed. Where we still hold each other every night. I know she loves me but she'd been unhappy for sometime before the EA turned PA. Now it's back to an EA because she realized it was a huge mistake and it's taken her a while to figure out how to "go backward" w/out damaging a friendship she valued. I wish she placed a greater value on our marriage. But since the "bomb dropped" in November I've been erratic in my behavior at best....not much fun to be around. Pass the anti-depressants please...... I need to do a 180, but it's so hard when you're still co-habitating.
2*D - 38 W - 37 M - 10 years T - 13 years 2 boys (3 & 6yrs) Bomb - 11/12/06 PA exposed - 3/25/07
I had the exact same situation. Considering what they are doing, the sure put a lot of emphasis on the horrible crime of privacy violation, don't they? But, we know that they are trying to justify their actions - and anger works really, really well for the WAS!
