ok... well here goes... 2 weeks ago found text message from wife on her phone to OM. confronted her and she said...just friends, but then she had his name coded in her phone as a female. she said they talked about the probs we were having ect... I was very ugly with the deception factor to her and she said sorry and that she loved me and that there was no more to find out. I asked her to tell him it was over and she said ok and did on morning of first business day back at work. {what I was told} but....the text was sent on the day of her fathers funeral that she was very close to and said.. "thinking of you". too personal for what she said was going on and definately at the wrong time. so... i snooped... i asked if the texting was going on a lot and she said "no" just a few. so I called the phone provider and discovered 158 messaged traded between the 2 of them over a one month period and numerous phone calls. I texted her that I knew this and she got defensive and said that I should drop it if we were to move on. 5 min later I texted her and said that I was not near my computer but that the phone service provider was e mailing me content of said text and was there anything else she wanted to say prior to my reading them. My phone exploded.. her trying to call me. I called her back 10 min later and she fessed up that they had an EA and many texts that had improper content{positions..likes ect} and a few pics. But that on her childrens lives it never ever got physical. said she was soo sorry and that she does love me. we had sex like 10x that week {and was the best EVER}and she had my name tattooed on her {something we has discussed a few months previous and then she "changed her mind about", I have name and wedding date and dont regret it on arm} sign of future commitment from her? . I told her that part of the moving on is that we go to counseling. she said she will go but seems resistant to it. and also she seems to have the attitude that what she did was not so bad since no physical and "she doesn't see why i am making a big deal of it".... also he lives in another town and stays in apt right behing their office when in town so the possibility of her still lying about PA is haunting me badly. I asked about this and she swears no physical. I did text him and tell him I knew and had proof and that if he didn't leave her alone I would fly there and tell his new wife of 7 months all. he said it was over and he wanted no problems ... I am soo confused. She says she loves me but..... how can she not seem remorseful to me about this? and having said that how do I move on. we have S-6 and S-2. I LOVE my wife but how should i feel ?. She has been acting differently toward me..sweet again but.... I just don't know. any advice appreciated and sorry for the long first post. Familyguy
Read the the book Divorce Remedy. DO it right away.
1. Relax. Breathe.
2. She still wants to be in a relationship with you. Time is on your side. You can turn this around.
3. The more you panic, the more you get intrusive, "in your face" and desperate, the more you will push you wife out the door and into his arms.
4. EA most often, become physical. Be prepared that this may have already happened, or will happen.
5. Remorse takes time to feel. The chemicals released in her body by the new romance (EA or PA) completely bury her conscience. THe fog will eventually lift. Right now she's afraid of losing you, but that's not remorse.
6. The important thing is for you to back off, stop chasing her and give her space.
7. Get a life. Start taking care of yourself. Do fun things for you.
8. The problems that causes her EA/PA are still there. You need to work on them together. Counseling is good.
Also get "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. A do happen to good people and good marriages. Read other people's postings in this forum - most sitch's read like textbooks - they all say and do such similar things. ILYBNILWY, We are just friends...I doubt she can just turn it off that fast. I asked my H to reconcile with me when he finally admitted to the OW - he lasted less than two weeks and was talking/texting again.
MC should be started if at all possible...issues that brought on the A (from both your sides) need to be addressed as well. This cannot just be swept under the rug - or you'll be back in the same boat in no time.
I say of Theoden's suggestions top three are: #3, #6 and #7
Start reading ASAP!!!
I did everything wrong (at first) by the time I actually posted here for the first time we were well on our way to separation - H has been out for 3 mos. but is coming back at the end of May! I got VERY GOOD at Db'ing with this awesome support group! You can change this!!!! Good Luck!
HB
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
well.. so far so good. As far as I know at least. The not knowing about the PA is really eating at me. I have a way to find out for sure but am not sure that I really want to know. I did ask her outright if they had PA because with the chance of HIV these days I deserved to know if I need to be tested and that I don't want to die, and that we would work thru all this no matter what but that I at this point need 100% truth from her. She said no reason to be tested because there was no PA. so.... I may not be able to go on with her if I knew for sure that they did have PA. we are scheduled for MC on next Friday and I am looking forward to that very much. Should I go there or leave it alone? I guess at this point I just want to know that she IS being 100% honest with me and not still lying. this sux.... Familyguy
ps. I have made every effort to be sweet and supportive, and am leaving no room for her to criticize me for anything. OM will be in town next week she said for work related issues. I am scared...
just talked to her and it's odd... she is talking "to" me not at me. Like it used to be.... man I want all this to work out. I just started on Lexapro again the other day to help me stay sane for a while and kill some of the anxiety.
Well thats not the way I was speaking of finding out if they "did" or didn't. I do have Herpes and have for years. She and I do have, and have had unprotected sex for years. There is a very good possibility that she has it and has never had an outbreak as this is very common.I did mention to her that if they "did" she could very well have given it to him(she hates condoms) and her response was that she didn't have it because surely she was tested when we had our second child 2 years ago and I informed her that it took a particular test which was not part of pre-natal testing {not the answer I wanted to hear}. She may have actually given it to him if they did. Kinda funny {sorry the hateful part of me.} but not....certainly not fair to his new wife of 7 months if he takes it home to her..should I tell him? I have his cell # When I asked him how many times they had sex via a text message he said they never got physical at all and it was all talk, he also apologized for his actions. I told him I fogive him and her and have prayed for both our marriages {also that they almost destroyed ours and our family} and that he should remeber the vows that he said to his wife just a short time ago and take them serious.
She must have seen the gears turning in my head last night and asked what was wrong in a very caring way.. just told her that it will haunt me for a while what has happened and that I do forgive her but it's not soo easy to forget and that I love her more than anything and kissed her lightly on the forehead. Said I just wasn't sure that she was honest about there being no PA and she once again affirmed that there was none. I said ok and dropped it. Hope I am doing the right things.... I sent her a sweet poem via e-mail today and also we have talked on the phone a lot today. She told me last night as I undressed that I looked "hot", I have been hitting the gym real hard and tanning, dressing trendy ect. Familyguy
