I don't know if I should be in this forum or in Surviving the Big D.
I was posting under another name in Newcomers back in Dec 06, but X found my postings and was using them against me. Anyway here is a recap of my sit:
Me: 33 X: 36 (almost 37) Kids: DS 12, DS 10(almost 11) and sister 15 Bomb dropped Dec 1, 2006. D paperwork filed March 07 (on my b-day!), D finalized 4-16-07
As soon as bomb was dropped, I started DBing my butt off. But nothing seemed to make a difference. In the begining, we tried to act like nothing was different for the sake of the kids - to get through the holidays. After the new year X started slowly moving his stuff from our room to the basement, but continued to sleep in our bed. After a few weeks of that, I had all I could handle and moved the rest of his items to the basement and he has been sleeping there ever since. We told the kids about the D and that we were going to put the house up for sell.
By the end of Jan 07, X would hardly talk to me. He would come and go as he pleased. "work" all hours of the day and night and go out to the bars with his buddies. When he was home, he pretty much stayed in the basement - ignoring me and the kids. I was still trying to DB and hoping that things would turn around. I only brought up R talk a few times and it was mainly about him ignoring the kids and not our R in general. He wasn't talking to me at all - about anything.
Come March 26th (my b-day) he went to his lawyer and had them start the paperwork. He had already been to his lawyer before this and he wanted us to agree on everything so it didnt cost him as much money. By that Friday, the paperwork was completed. I got to view it and I did agree with everything. The paperwork was signed and filed on April 2. The judge finalized it on April 16th.
After the judge signed the papers, X came home and told me the following: * he wanted the wedding rings back. I was fine with this. They were his parents rings in the first place and I looked at them as being bad luck anyway - since his parents are divorced and now we are too.
* He wanted the cell phone back that I was using. And he told me that I had till April 18th to get the house phone lines and the internet into my name or he was disconnecting them
* He was leaving town on Friday April 20 and would not be back till Wed April 25. And it was none of my business where he was going since we are now divorced
* He will be moving in with his father either the end of April or beginning of May. But we are both financially responsible for the mortgage, power and gas on this house till it sales.
I want to keep DBing and try and work things out with the X, but it is so hard when he is being so hateful and negative towards me. I don't know if he is going through a MIL or not. I think that there is an OW, but I have no proof. He barely spends anytime with the kids and is leaving me to answer all their questions and be the bearer of bad news to them.
Try and concentrate on making improvements to YOUR life and the lives of your children. While some here would argue that doing so makes you more attractive as a partner to your ex, I encourage you to do so because I know from personal experience that helping ourselves is necessary to conquer the pain divorce causes. This in turn allows you to be the best parent you can be. Hang in there. You can do this and make your life happy. Peace.
Thank you for responding. I am trying to concentrate on making improvements on me and my life for me and the kids. It is just so hard being the one left to answer all of the questions and concerns that the kids have.
It is also hard to try and GAL when I am with the kids all the time. I have tried to go out a few times, but I can't seem to enjoy myself. I can't just forget the last 15 years of my life and blow him off like he is blowing me and the kids off.
I just wish that the X could treat me like a human being. He treats complete strangers better than he treats me. This is not the man that I married. He is being so selfish and completely self absorbed.
Tinkerbelle, he was likely cheating on you. The fact that you put up with his attitude for so long and continued to let him be your roommate was unattractive and it's not surprising that DB didn't work...you weren't someone he would want to be with. Move forward with your life. Start becoming complete without this man who isn't even worth pining away for. If you read his ad on e-harmony and it said, "Living with father, have kids but ignore them, gave up on previous marriage, don't give a damn about anyone", would you answer the ad and hope to hook up with him? What you are pining away for is what should have been or you felt could have been, rather than what is. So get your own life, one that he could be jealous of.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Sorry you are here. It must be difficult on you since everything happened so quickly. Four months bomb to D. So you are still in shock I imagine.
I would suggest looking into counseling for you and your kids, especially your kids. It happened too quickly and your kids are at the age where things affect them big time. Look into local churches or community organizations for individual and group counseling. Check out a Divorce Care group (see divorcecare.com) in your area.
Let xH be hateful. It is okay. That is as much for him to deal with his guilt as anything. It is really not about you or the kids. He must demonize things to hide from himself. Let him move on and have little contact with him for now.
Hard to GAL when with the kids all the time? Try to leverage your kids in your GAL activities. When your kids enroll in things there are often other parents involved. Take advantage of that to make new friends – after all you have the kids in common and all your kids are in a similar age group. You may even meet other D people. Volunteer at school, PTA and church. Just some ideas. Save the romantic GAL for later.
The road is hard but you will look back and be thankful it did happen so quickly. You are closer than I in getting that new, wonderful life; I have been at this 15 months. Good luck.
I will agree whole heartedly with what the others have posted. Just remember, right now GAL does not involve dating. It's too early. You need a support structure of FRIENDS.
In addition to DivorceCare, I recommend a book titled "What to do when your love relationship ends," by Dr. Bruce Fisher. At DivorceCare.com you can sign up for daily devotionals that will be e-mailed to you. They are quite insightfull.
You've gone through a lot in a very short time. You're wounded and you need to heal.
