I was writing on here when my husband of 8 years left me unexpectedly. I was devastated, as most of us are when we come here for support. The wonderful people here helped me gain some much needed perspective on the situation. If I didnt say it before, thank you.
He left at the end of December.
When I found out in March that he had been cheating on me for 6 months before he left, I gave up hope and decided to get over the entire fiasco. I stopped coming here because I didnt want to be reminded about what I had lost and the heartbreak I was going through. Detached is an understatement for me, I am no longer "In love" with him.
He told his parents what he had done, they kicked him out. Told him that he was not the person they had thought. So, true to form, he goes to her house.
He filed for divorce, I got a lawyer, and the saga starts to come to an end, right? Well that's what I thought too. Wrong.
Last night we met at O'Charleys to see if we could agree on all the settlement/child support stuff. (his idea) My lawyer is like $375 an hour and because of our income ratios he is required to pay my attorney fees. (BTW, that'll scare anyone into agreement.) So we order dinner and have a beer and we start talking. We met at 8:30, by 9:00 he was crying. He said he had wanted to come back home from the day he left but was completely consumed with guilt for cheating. Long story short... he wants to work on us. Why dont I feel excited?
I have no idea what I am going to do? I need some advice from the piecing crew. How do you get over the blow of detaching - how do you fall back in love? And is that saying "Once a cheater....." is that really true? Please share your thoughts, I am lost.
It's because you were so hurt. You've guarded your heart, that's why you're not excited. To tell you the truth, I've been piecing for 2 years and although I'm not consumed with his A, I do wonder at times why I bother. Don't get me wrong, he is very remorseful, text book remorseful, but the damage has already been done. Here's how I did it and still do it, I take one day at a time. I tell myself that life has not guaratees and no one is perfect. I use to think I hate my husband but the truth is I hate what my husband did to us, to me. You will find here that most people here on this board will tell you that your marriage can be better than it ever was. I'm still waiting to see that happen. For me, it isn't. Why? Because a huge part of me is gone and it's gone forever. It was a part of me that I happen to like, and I would love to have that back. I also work on me, not my marriage, but me. I believe that if the marriage is intended to work, it will. I put a lot of effort into making it work, and to his credit so does he, but we both know, it isn't and never will be the same. We're more friends now than husband and wife. It isn't a bad life, and it's okay for me, but what about you? What do YOU want? That's what you have to find out for yourself, then you'll know what to do. It sounds like your husband wants to work things out, that's what HE wants, now ask yourself, is that what I want? I hope you understand this. I experience a lot of second guessing, but for the most part, I'm okay. This is one thing that I learned along the way, I will be okay either way, married to my husband or single. I am stronger, wiser and I don't look to him to make me happy. Like the saying goes, don't wait for someone to bring you flowers, plant your own garden.
Because a huge part of me is gone and it's gone forever. It was a part of me that I happen to like, and I would love to have that back.
That is exactly how I feel. I adored the man I was married to for so long. Now, i dont have that feeling. I dont feel giddy and happy when I look at him. I feel hurt and confused. I am sure this is normal but is it possible to get that feeling back? I dont want to waste the next ___ years being just friends. But I dont want things the way they were before either. Can this all just start over? Is that possible? I want my children to have their father but I want to be happy too.
Absolutely, you can start over and yes it can be better. But it greatly depends on you and your husband and how committed you are in making it work. And, yes, I'm sure that it can be better. You have kids, how old? My sitch is a little different. It's me and my H's second marriage, our kids are grown and gone and we don't have any together, so I don't have a lot to hold us together. As a matter of fact, we were only married a year before he started his A. And that my dear, hurts like crazy. But for you, you have a history, kids and the whole pie. You can work things out and you can have a better marriage, but like I said, you both have to want it and you both have to work at it.
yes, we have 2 children 3 and 5. Both girls have been seriously affected by this entire situation. My eldest daughter's school psychologist just told me last week that she had signs of post traumatic stress disorder. It cut like a knife in my heart to hear that.
I know he wants our marriage to be better. He's literally begging me to forgive him and trying his best to make amends. He told me he would follow me wherever I wanted to go and he would do anything to make this work. I love hearing all of this, but I have serious doubts. He hasnt been honest in so long, Im scared that I will second guess him for the rest of our lives. It's really funny that in the beginning I was desperate for him to be here. I thought my life would end if he wasnt in it. Now, Im not sure I want that life back.
I told him that he would have to go to counseling and I told him that our old marriage was completely gone. I said that if we were to start putting this thing together that the whole thing had to be completely new. I told him that during the course of all this pain I fell out of love with him. I told him that the best I could do right now would be to accept a dating kind of arrangement. Does anyone else out there think Im insane for even considering this? Help?
I think taking it slow is a good idea. MC and whatever else you need as a prerequisite. I wouldn't let him move back in until YOU are comfortable with the situation.
My uncle cheated on my aunt, was actually living with his OW when he decided to try to work on the M. My H didn't cheat, but he was on the verge of it, so I've had many discussions with my aunt about that situation.
She basically said it was lots of time and effort to rebuild the M. She'd lost her feelings for him as well. He went out of his way to demonstrate his trustworthiness--going so far as to call when he was even going to be 5 minutes late getting home from work. He still does that. She says that even 30 years later, if he's working late, those thoughts come up. Still...they have a very, very strong, loving M now. My uncle is my blood relative, aunt is by marriage. She is the strongest woman I know.
Be patient with yourself. Set your boundaries and expectations, and then give yourself time. This H is different from the H you fell in love with. Get to know him again, work on your issues together, and be patient.
Good luck.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
oh boy, where to begin? ========== He said he wanted to come back home from the day he left he was just completely consumed with guilt for cheating. ========== I believe him 100%, this same stich was going on w/my H, he was too ashamed to come back and face his failure and mistakes. It took great courage for your H to admit to you how guilty he is and to ask to be back, trust me, it took every once of strenght.
Are you still angry about the A? I'm wondering if that's the real reason you think you are so "detached" you cant have him back. By detaching, we mean not to ride the emotional rollercoaster our WAS are in when they leave and make mistakes.
======== I feel hurt and confused. I am sure this is normal but is it possible to get that feeling back? =========== Yes it is, when my H came back, he basically had little feelings for me, we both knew that. Our councelor told us that M has its stages, at first attraction is the force that bonds a couple. Much later on, when the stars and rainbows fade, it is commitment that makes the stronger bond, and that's what we had to work on. It has taken almost a whole yr for my H to finally say he loved me, of course before he did care for me and was trying to be loving to the extect the could (not much at the beginning) but we started almost from ground 0.
============ "Once a cheater....." is that really true? =========== No it isn't, your H isn't a womanizer, there are men who hop from woman to woman, and your H just sounds like a man who was depressed in his M and made the mistake of looking for attention elsewhere (no, this is not an excuse.)
======== Can this all just start over? Is that possible? ======== Yes it is, totally posible, tons of us here in piecing are living proof of it (I used to be a reg poster, now a lurker, you might find some good old posts if you go back a few pages back)
========= He's literally begging me to forgive him and trying his best to make amends. ============ He's trying his darnest, I give your H credit, when my H came back all he had to say is "well, I guess I lost my head there for a while", no heartfelt appologies, no promises to make ammends.
========= I told him that the best I could do right now would be to accept a dating kind of arrangement. ========= That's exactly what my H's C told him, a few weeks before he asked to move back, that we needed to find each other again. But remember, love isnt' a feeling (we all watch too many movies) it is a desicion, you must want and decide to love him again if you want this to work. Two months after he left my H and I went out on our anniversary, (at the time he was seing ow) Nine months afterwards, after he moved back and all, I asked him why he did it if he was w/ow, he said "I wanted to see if I felt something". Of course he didnt' feel anything! his mind was not geared on wanting to work it out, he was waiting on the magical fairies to bring that rapture he was feeling for ow and that at some point he felt for me when we were dating.
It is ok to be scared and not trust him, I was also lied to for months before he left, my H set up everything to leave me high and dry all the while acting as if all was ok. Trust needs to be rebuilt w/time, and second thoughts always come up, we all wait for the other shoe to drop for the longest time, it is totally normal. But w/time and work your M will become stronger and better than before, trust me.
======= Now, Im not sure I want that life back. ======= Nope, nor would I want the sham of an M I had before. I suffered horrible, but now my M is so much better than before, I appreciate my H and I'm a new person. He also didnt' want "more of the same" and we went to counceling, which helped tons. The wounds take time to heal, but they do.
I want you to please get the book "healing the hurt in your marrige" read it cover to cover, but begin by reading the chapter about forgiveness. You have so much to gain, dont' let fear rob you of what can be a wonderful and stronger M. I"ll pray for you.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
