He told me that there JUST HAD to be a reason for what he did.
And you look him square in the eye and say, 'yes, yes there is. The reason you did what you did is because you CHOSE to do it.'
It sounds to me like your H is very much addicted to compulsive behaviors... and what he does is very much an addiction. You might want to suggest he seek help, for statistically speaking, it is HIGHLY likely he will do it again.
I'd get into counseling, and get professional opinion.
Quote: ----------------------------------------------------- But last night he said something that I just don,t get. He now thinks that there MUST have been a reason also, for all the continued lying and cheating when we had decided to make it work again.
He's sure that this is that he was still hurt from the difficult period we were having and the sores were still open. This difficult period ended after he had slept with her, but before the affair got even more out of control. At the same time he told me constantly that I was amazing; he missed me when he was away that things were great. -----------------------------------------------------
A wayward spouse would tell you that the moon is on fire if they thought you would believe it. Plain and simple, it is an excuse, grade school level.
Quote: ----------------------------------------------------- Nopkins; You mentioned the documented facts. Are their statistics of how likely a spouse is to do this again? -----------------------------------------------------
Statistically, he will do it again. What you must do, and this requires a great deal of intrepidity on your part, is to make it not worth his while. He needs help.
So both of you go and get STD tests, then the rule is simple. If he repeats any of the behaviors again, he is gone. No ifs, ands, or buts. Counseling is also mandatory with a 2 year minimum. If he stops, then the above rule applies.
That will give you something to sink your teeth into instead of feeling like a complete chump, and give him something to set his sights on.
If he is unwilling to commit to such a simple set of rules, then I would highly recommend that you unceremoniously dump him.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I agree with what Corri and Nop have said, but I also see two addictions going on, not just one. From what little I know of your sitch, it just feels to me that there is more going on with your H than just an addiction to porn and chasing women. It seems like he has an addiction to the excitement of seeing how far he can go with an affair and then finding a way to work out of it. It seems like a series of grand schemes to manipulate both you and the OW, almost as a test of his cunning over your limits of tolerance.
I think it is an exciting game for him and each time he has to push it a little further to see how much more he can get away with. Maybe this time it will take 3 months to win you over, well..... last time it was only 2 months… he can live with 3..... next time it will be 4 months but who knows what he’s got planned so maybe 4 months will be worth it. He knows he might be reaching your limit, so throw in concessions for counseling, etc..... that will buy him some more leverage.....a quick check of the score.... up to 4 affairs now (that you know of)..... hmmmm..... his goal is what? 5, 6, 7? What kind of plan will he use to bring those about? How much more sophisticated reasoning will he need to come up with to pull off the next affair?
Can you see the pattern here? Not yet? Maybe affair 5 or 6 will make it a little more clear for you, which gets me to the second addiction – you. How much of this “game” is perpetuated by your need to believe someone loves you and will chase after you? What addiction do you have to thinking you are the woman who can change him, that this is your last straw and after this time, things will be different. Sounds a little like just one last drink then no more alcohol, or one more bet to win back those lost monies then no more gambling.....one more, one more, one more..... Do you see this pattern in you?
What does that say about his integrity? What is there to trust in him except the certainty that he will repeat this pattern? What does your continual pattern of hoping for what seems to be the impossible say for your integrity? There is no way for an alcoholic to recover if the spouse continues to enable the addiction. I see you as enabling his continuing affairs. I understand why you do this because there is much to lose, especially for you kids. I understand that there is a balance between taking a little more abuse as recovery finally comes about. But at some point you have to cut your losses and move on. Only then can you stop the continual drain of your emotional sanity as well as that of your kids and begin to build something positive.
I have always taken the position that a marriage can be saved. I think yours might be able to be saved, maybe, but the chances are slim, IMO. The addiction on both your parts must be stopped. That means some tough medicine for both of you. I think BOTH you and your H need to get into serious and deep counseling. There needs to be some strong boundaries, backed up by heavy consequence. Neither of you have the internal discipline to change by yourself. D may be the best way to impose this discipline and stop the cycle. If you can both realize the severity of your addictions and come to impose the self restraint and discipline needed to maintain a marriage, on the foundation of strong personal integrity and self respect, then the marriage might be later reconstructed. Other than that I am at a loss to see how you move forward. I hate to be so pessimistic, but that is what I see. I hope I am wrong.
Ocean - what do you know about your H's background as a child. What type of home environment did he have. The only reason I am saying this is because your H's behaviour sounds a little like mine H's and I think, after almost 5 years, we have found the problem. Check out the Madonaa/Whore Complex link under the SSM forum and see if it links in at all
Personally I think there is a lot more to his behaviour than either of you can handle
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Cobra has done an excellent job of describing the interaction/relationship between an addict and a codependent. I have lived it and know it well. Heed his words.
LG--going back to lurker status
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
Oh boy: It's hard to listen to you, my heart cries but my gut says Yes!
I've often thought he's had the whore Madonna syndrome - even years ago.
I really just need to move on: There goes my dream, how I hate this so much.
Thank you all. I need to go and have a good cry while my children aren't here and then sort something out.
He only got tested for HIV and HepB, despite me asking for everything - they came out negative (I got the results) so there is some positive information.
I have checked on the net for other texts and think I have all the info; but does anyone have any info on this? He only had blood tests and I'm pretty sure herpes and syph. etc can't be checked via this method.
Thanks again, and Cobra you aren't being pessimistic you are being honest. I need that right now.
Cobra; after rereading your post in a ,ore lucid frame of mind - I realised that you mentioned 4 affairs: There has only been this one that I know of. Was I unclear?
