Just stopped in to ask a question about Infidelity. In my case I don't know if my WAW has had an EA or PA or maybe just an opposite sex friendship that has gone a bit overboard, or maybe a same sex one, or maybe nothing at all.
Anyhow I'm wondering, assuming she had an EA/PA, does it need to be out in the open before she recommits to the marriage? Will the guilt of it and not knowing if I'll be able to deal with it keep her from investing any time in the marriage?
From my point of view I "think" that starting to rebuild our marriage and then waiting until it is stronger and might be able to withstand the revelation might give us the best chance of surviving it.
Her perspective might be that the guilt of what she has done, or what I might think of her or do when I find out will prevent her from moving forward on reconciliation.
Now this is all just theory in my head, so I was just hoping to get some perspective. Is it better to wait or better to know upfront what we're dealing with (if anything at all).
If it is better to know upfront, do I wait for her to tell me, do I ask her to get the yes/no? In my case I have some reason to believe something might be going on, or that she is thinking about "going for" plus she is telling me things like "I need to go sow my wild oats" and "this is my last hurrah." She has seemed to try to get me to bring the subject up or goad me into accusing her of an affair. I don't know if she can't bring it up and wants me to broach the subject or what, but I've steered clear of it completely, no accusations, no innuendos, no guilt from me.
I would even be thinking this stuff without reason and I still assume she is innocent. I also don't want to be as naive as I was pre-Bomb either. I want the best possible chance of saving my marriage so I'm trying to explore things that are probably and stack the odds in favor of my marriage.
Odds are very good that she is having an affair. Whether it's EA or PA doesn't really matter much. How would knowing the facts help you at this point? For many people, knowing for sure just undermines their efforts to DB. Plus, if you actually are wrong, accdusing her of it will be the death knell for your R.
That being said, sometimes having it out in the open will be a necessary step. However, there's real risk that your W will resent you for it or get mad at you for "snooping". If you feel it is necessary for it to be out in the open, try to find out "by accident" or by someone calling you.
Do you live in a state where adultery matters in a divorce? (It doesn't in most but may in some). If that's the case, you may want to quietly gather documentation in case you need it in the future.
Otherwise - I would let it go. Focus on being your best you and on DBing. I'm grateful I didn't find out about my H's affair until after I'd been DBing for a couple of months.
I really like the analogy of stacking the odds in favor of your marriage. That is an awsome attitude to take. You are so welcome here. Good luck and keep posting. Holly
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
I found myself wrestling with the same question. Although I did find some questionable texts. That is all I found besides a card where it is clear there is nothing going on but the girl is willing to wait and see. At any rate my husband has stopped communication and as time has passed I have encountered nothing to make me think there was an A at all. In fact to the contrary I have found more evidence that there was nothing. However, at the same time I did damage my R with my H. He is very hurt I suspected him. Even though he played a HUGE role in the accusation.
AT this point I need to just move forward and work on our M. I know that I want to be with my H the rest of my life and I know he is suffering from other stressful situation besides this one. So now I DB and pray and hope for the best. At this point it does not matter to me one way or the other. I am standing.
Thanks kml and Holly06 and HeartScared for the feedback.
I figure accusing her outright, even if I feel she is trying to get me to do so is the absolute wrong thing to do. Maybe trying to find a way to diffuse her guilt and show her that if she has done something like an A that it might not be the death of our R. Right now personally I don't know how I'll handle it, maybe that is why I'm trying to prepare for it.
I've alway though in my head that infidelity would be an absolute line to not be crossed, it is a dealbreaker and that I'd be done with her if she did that. Now I've learned and read so much from people on here and I've seen that people can get thru it and learn to trust again. I've also found just how deep my love for her is. So now I question my steadfastness on this issue and consider if I can maybe deal with it and if so how...
My opinion is that there is always a very good chance of at least an EA. I think the guilt factor is entirely over-rated as an excuse why they won't come back, etc. In my experience and reading here, most WAWs (I'm not sure that's true of cheating husbands because they like to have the opportunity to have the chance to return without being found out), if the affair is discovered, it's still your fault and they aren't remorseful, nor does she feel guilty. First of all, because it's your fault she looked elsewhere and secondly, "she didn't feel married anymore anyway". Actually, if you do find out I think she'd be more likely to either say it occurred after separation (when they don't consider it cheating) or say that it doesn't matter anyway because they already want out of the marriage.
It doesn't matter whether it's out in the open or not because you won't rebuild a marriage until she wants to rebuild it. There is no sense even worrying about that until she asks to try again. It would be to your favor if she's having an affair because when it's over she'll be more inclined to come back than if she simply left because she doesn't want to be married to you.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thanks Just_Me for the insight. It all sounds good except the "It would be to your favor if she's having an affair because when it's over she'll be more inclined to come back than if she simply left because she doesn't want to be married to you." part, even tho' it makes "logical" sense, it sucks that it is "in my favor" if she is having an affair. Can't I just blame her MLC for leaving instead and decide it was temporary insanity?
I figured she was finally out the door, so I looked at her phone and found a text msg to a man she works with:
"I still smell you on my clothes. miss u"
I was livid, more angry than I have ever been in my life. Just pacing the floor, threw a few things, images all over my mind. She sent this while at the airport waiting to fly to visit. She arrived, took a bath and then I'd had sex with her. She had been telling me non-stop since then that she wanted a divorce so she could date other men.
She wasn't home and was supposed to leave in a couple hours to fly back to where she lives. I didn't know if I should confront her before she left or wait until I had some time to think about it. I had suspected her and this guy since Dec when she suddenly stopped mentioning his name and at the same time didn't want to touch me and dropped the bomb.
When she returned home I avoided her completely, didn't look at her or talk to her, she had decided to stay another day, I still didn't know what to do, I wanted to call someone, I wanted to call the guy she had sent the msg to, I wanted to call her new best friend that knows him, I didn't know who to call. I took out a pad of paper and listed everything we owned and put her name or my name by it, I was done, she wanted a divorce and now I was going to give it to her.
I tried to keep away from her, eventually tried to go to sleep about 9pm, laid there for an hour, then she came in and wanted to know if I was sleeping in the masterbed where she wanted to sleep. I asked her to come over, took her onto my lap and put my hand on her head/hair gently, then while looking into her eyes tried to kiss her, I was met with tightly pursed lips that wanted nothing to do with mine. She wanted to know what was wrong. I asked her why she'd been lying to me about everything, why she been lying to me about not wanting to be with anyone, lying about not wanting to sleep with anyone, lying about not wanting sex. She had a puzzled look on her face and told me calmly that she hadn't been lying. I went over to her cell phone on the floor, she followed me over and asked her to explain this while I looked up the message she'd sent. She said it was from a song, she could show me if I wanted. She actually didn't seem upset or paniced, asked why I had been looking at her phone. I told her it had been beeping and I went to see why and decided to look at the messages.
I was now puzzled, she didn't seem guilt or upset that I had snooped at her phone, or that I'd accused her of lying to me, in fact we talked for about 2 hrs while I held her in bed, about all kind of things in 17 yrs of marriage. She cried on the pillow, didn't want to cry on my shoulder, I told her a lot about what I was going thru, what I've been going thru, no DBin', just open honesty and feelings. She still was insistent on getting divorced so she could date other men, she had to "see what was out there." This too was puzzling, I pushed and questioned her many times lately about the "need" for a divorce to be free, she lives 500 miles away in her own apartment and lives her own life, she could be screwing the whole town and I'd never know about it, but she seemed to be needing a divorce in order to date and pursue other men, that didn't match with her screwing some guy at work already, unless maybe she wanted to solidify that relationship and needed me to be "out of the way" to do it. Or maybe she has an EA with him and wants to pursue it physically and still has enough integraty to not do it until divorced. Dunno.
I'm still not sure what to believe, it is hard to keep all the images of her and him out of my mind, but it is subsiding. I did finally look up the phrase and found it in a song.
My main thread has the story of what positive things have happened since this, so far neither of us has brought this stuff up again yet.
Not sure why you did what you did. I understand the anger, but I don't see why you bothered with the confrontation.
Let me show why.
Justdontknow: Why did you send this text. You lied to me! You are cheating on me!
Wife: Who cares. I told you I wanted a divorce anyway. So what does it matter if I'm seeing other men since I'm not interested in being married to you. You don't seem to get it that I WANT OUT OF THIS MARRIAGE!
Put your thoughts through a filter that always says, "should I mention this to her? Is this about my needs or hers? Would this matter if we were already divorced?" If it is about your needs and your feelings then it doesn't make a difference because she is looking out for #1 (and that isn't you)
By the way, what does a 51 y.o woman think is out there for her? Men are just scrambling to be with her?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Can't I just blame her MLC for leaving instead and decide it was temporary insanity? 