I have been married 22 years and spent most of the last several years being mad and resentful at my husband for not understanding that flirting would make sex so much more interesting for me. He feels that kissing goodbye/hello, an occasional hug or his feet on my lap is enough affection. I would love a caress while I'm cooking or doing the dishes, or even a grope--anything sexual outside of actually having sex. He doesn't seem to see a need for anticipation.
Sex is also routine. If he initiates, it is after we have both showered and gone to bed. He always lays on his back when he first goes to bed. If he rolls toward me and caresses my arm, I know what he wants. He takes a long time to do anything else. I don't think either of us know what we should do next. He won't talk during sex and makes very little noise at all. I have asked him to tell me what I can do different, he says, "It's fine." If I ask him what he likes, he says, "Anything." I have read sex books and try to do some of the things that are suggested, but I can't tell if he is liking it or not. I know I should ask while I am doing it, but I am worried about his response to that. He tells me I am too analytical. The same is true for tellling him or showing him what I like or dislike. His feeling get hurt and he quits trying. He rarely initiates anymore because I "analyze it too much."
Our relationship has been improving in the last couple of years. We used to have yelling matches when we disagreed on anything. I recently found out that I have a form of depression called dysthymia. After starting antidepressants, I have been in much better control of my anger and the yelling matches have stopped. I am also able to see his side of things better. I have been able to figure out many things I have been doing that are contributing to his lack of caring enough about my needs. He is starting to listen to me more.
H loves to tell me that I "always" have to have my way and that he "never" gets his way. I just realized the other day what I do that makes him feel that way. When we have a difference of opinion, I state mine but don't feel that he considered my side. So I keep insisting that my way might work. He insists his way is better. He goes away mad and I do it my way to show him it could work. It's not that I want to be right, I just want to feel that my idea was really considered. I sent him an e-mail letting him know my realization. When we went to bed that night, he told me that he appreciates e-mails like that. He offered me some ice cream last night.
So, the affection and acts of love is getting better, but we still need to do something about the sex.
Perhaps the more control you let him have in other areas of your M life, the more he will take control in your sex life. Do you tell him what you like in bed? why do feel resentful for him not knowing that you want some flirting? Did you tell him? do you build up to it? Last night my H went nuts, because of the cute little nightie I was wearing, and he couldn't concentrate on tv. I know he is a very visual person, like almost all men are. Go get a cute little outfit or something, and see what happens. You may have to start it, by being more adventurous. Oh, and we have been M for twenty-three yrs. Do you initiate very often? When he turns over and touches your arm, why wait for him to do the next step? Why don't you do it? If you are doing something in bed that he doesn't like, I am sure he will let you know, otherwise why not assume he does like it? My H doesn't make much noise in bed, and doesn't talk, either. It doesn't bother me. I don't think I could handle a screamer. Forget analyzing everything you do, it may make him uncomfortable.
I tell him what I like, but he gets defensive and tells me I'm over-analyzing. I have hurt his feelings so often that I am at a loss as to how to talk to him without hurting his feelings. He takes things so personal. If I say anything while we are ML, it would probably kill the mood. I try to just guide him in the right direction with my hands and other body language. I am afraid I'll hurt his feelings if I do too much of that, too. But if I don't do enough, he doesn't understand what I am trying to get him to do.
I have told him many times that I would like some flirting and have been specific about what I like. I recently asked him if he would be okay with making some eye and/or physical contact when we are in the bathroom together getting ready for bed or in the morning. I also asked if he would come into the kitchen when I am cooking or doing the dishes and nuzzle my neck or something similar. He said he would do those things. He never did. I am resentful because he doesn't seem to see the importance.
I have cute nighties. When I wear them, he doesn't indicate that he notices. We have a 16-year old daughter still at home (and a 19-year-old who recently moved into an apartment), so I can't parade around the house in anything too revealing. But I do in our bedroom and bathroom.
I am the one who has been initiating most of the time over the last five years or so. I wait several weeks for him before I get tired of waiting.
When he does initiate, if I am not already facing him, I roll over and move closer to him. I usually put a leg over him and wait for him to kiss me or something. Sometimes, I take control from there on. Other times, I wait for him. Either way, as soon as I get going very much, he either enters me or goes down on me. When I have talked to him about needing more foreplay or teasing instead of "camping out down there", he says, "You had an orgasm didn't you?" I do orgasm. He doesn't understand that I need more than that. He thinks I am over-analyzing again.
We were in counseling a few years ago. In one of the sessions, I said that I was bored with our sex life. I didn't want to say that because I knew how it would hurt him. I didn't know what else to say to work on our sex life. That was when our sex life nearly stopped. Until then, he was initiating most of the time. I wasn't initiating because there was no flirting. I had talked to him many times before that about other things we should/could try but never told him I was bored. He thought our sex life was okay, but wished I would initiate more.
Well, there must be some way to shake him out of his apathy.
We have a 14 yr old S at home, and I will still put on a cute nightie, but put on a robe over it, and every now and then let H have a peek. so, you will go for several weeks without sex before you will get tired of waiting for him to initiate? How often will you do it if you initiate more often? When he starts to have sex, without waiting for foreplay, why not say hey let's take it slow, this time. About the flirting, just go ahead and flirt with him, anyway. Who knows? And it can't hurt. And when he is working around the house, go do the things to him you want him to do to you, like the nuzzling. Or flash him while he's cutting the grass, if the neighbors can't see, I did that the other day.
Get the book the five love languages and see what his love language is, and let him read it to see what your is.
I do need to get back into flirting with him. I used to but gave up after years of not getting a response. He told me French kissing when not ML was gross. About playfully grabbing his crotch or butt as we passed each other, he said, "That's cute but doesn't turn me on." He made comments like that in those years that we were fighting alot. Maybe he will be more open to flirting now. I've been thinking that for a while, but have gotten so out of the habit, I'm having trouble getting back into it and getting past the worry of rejection.
I'm going to have to be more aggressive, too. Subtle things don't do much for him. He likes it, but it doesn't turn him on--like leaning over the back of his recliner and scratching his head or giving him an upside down kiss. Sometimes I nibble his ear. He likes those things, but...
We take showers together occasionally. We wash each other and push each other around playfully taking our turn under the water. Lately the showers haven't been much more than that, though. We don't do anything sexual. I've got to get past my mental block and just do something.
A month or so ago, I took advantage of a night that DD was at an after-school activity. I knew she wouldn't be home until 8:00 or so. I started dinner then called him to make sure he didn't have any plans after work. I put on some nice music, a "little black dress", candles, wine and turned most of the lights off. It was wonderful for both of us. After dinner, we danced and kissed. Then we went upstairs. It was great to have so much time. We hadn't undressed each other in years (not counting pajamas). The same goes for creating any kind of anticipation. The last time I did anything like this, the kids were very small. I got a babysitter. After dinner, he went outside to visit with the neighbor. I was left to do the dishes. Then we picked up the kids. I was very disappointed.
Since that last encounter went so well, I think he is much more open to other things. I would like to do something like it again. How do create a romantic evening with a teen at home who doesn't get out much. She went through a bad bought of depression a couple years ago and lost all of her friends. All she has now is her current boyfriend. He doesn't have any money and doesn't have a driver's license or a car. When they get together, they come here.
I know that when I don't feel there has been enough foreplay, I need to say something, but again, there is that mental block. I am so afraid of hurting his feelings. The words are in my head at the time, they just won't come out of my mouth. I think another part of it is that I am not sure what I want to tell him to do instead. Do you have any recommendations for books about sex that aren't too basic? Are you familiar with Lou Paget? I read one of her books that gives a lot of good ideas (with drawings) for women to do to their men. I need something like that for him. Something with pictures would be best. He doesn't have a lot of time to read. Besides, it might be fun to show him a picture of something he could try.
I feel so pathetic. I am 46 years old and sexually incompetant. I used to have a boyfriend that was excellant in bed. I wish I could remember some of what he did. I must have been in a fog of anger back then, too. I wish someone knew I was depressed a long time ago. I have missed out on so much.
I have read "The Five Love Languages." He listened to part of it on CD's. He told me it was all common sense and didn't find it all that interesting. He also did that with "Mars and Venus."
The CD version of "The Five Love Languages" had a questionaire with it. H scored nearly equal on most of the languages. The only one that didn't get many points was Receiving Gifts. Quality Time scored one or two more than the others. Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation tied for second and Acts of Service was a close third. Physical Touch scored the highest for me. Words of Affirmation and Quality Time tied for second with several points less. Acts of Service scored a few. Receiving gifts barely got any.
I get some of my ideas from my H's Men's Health magazine! My H does sound a lot like yours, in that he doesn't give alot of affection outside of the bedroom, but I am working on it, and I snuggle up to him when we are watching tv, and he will put his arm around me. He did make the comment that I didn't used to ever sit like that with him to watch something. He likes it, too.
The dinner date with your H a month ago sounds so nice, and maybe that's what he really likes, a surprise from you. About your D and her BF, can you take them to the movies, and pick them up after? Or does she have a good R with her grandparents? My S just spent a few nights with his grandparents, and it gave us time to ourselves. Or what about her cousins? Does she have younger cousins that she could babysit while their parents go out for the evening, and then spend the night over their house? Or maybe you could enlist her help in putting together a nice dinner and decorating for it, then letting her go to the den to play video games or whatever.
And I don't for one minute believe that you are sexually incompetent, I believe that your H after all these years has gotten apathetic, and it will take something to shake it out of him. I have never read any sex books, but I am sure there may be some good ones, look on Amazon.com, type in what you are hoping to find and then look to see the reviews that others have posted about the book. I have bought many books this way. It helps to see what real people say about a book.
Are you involved in church? Many times the church's young people will have get togethers at someone's home, it might do your D some good. Our church does not do recreation activities at the church, but we do things in member's homes. Our 14yr old loves doing this. But, anyway these are ideas on getting her something to do while mama and daddy stay home with something to do!
H doesn't like our couch. He says it is uncomfortable. But we do sit together sometimes. Sometimes he leans against the arm at the opposite end from me and puts his feet in my lap. Occasionally I put my feet in his lap. On a rare occasion, we sit next to each other. He doesn't like to put his arm around me. He says he can't get comfortable. I lean against him instead and we hold hands. I like it, but would like it even more if he caressed my arm or played with my hair...
Taking D and BF to a movie is a possibility--if there was one they wanted to see. They haven't seen anything they are interested in going to lately. H's mom lives in a nursing home near us. She has Alzheimer's. The rest of his family is in Oregon and California. Mine is in Washington. We are in Kansas.
Also, H says that he is too tired during the week. I think that if things went right, he would forget about being tired, though. Time on weekends is also limited because I work one day each weekend. Grandma is added to the equation one of those days. He brings her over for a visit if we don't have much going on. If we have places to go or too many things to do, he doesn't pick her up.
We stayed overnight in a hotel once a year or so ago. Our son was still living at home at the time. Now we feel a little guilty leaving D home alone without much to do and nobody to talk to. But if we don't go on an occasional date, it makes her feel bad. She doesn't want to feel like she keeps us from going out. So we do go out once in a while.
We don't go to church. D used to have a friend that she went with a couple of times on a church outing. She enjoyed it, but she doesn't like that person anymore and wants nothing to do with church anymore. The thing that led to her depression, made her a disbeliever. She has found some reason to not like all of her previous friends. Her BF is a Senior and will be going to a local college next fall. She is a Sophmore. That will leave her with nobody to hang with at school next year. Maybe she will make some new friends. She also plans to get a job this summer. Maybe she will make new friends there. It might also give H and I more time to ourselves. But what to do in the meantime???
I need to at least get H to come to bed sooner sometimes. He tends to stay downstairs for a while after I go to bed. By the time he comes up, I am half asleep and don't care anymore. I need to do something more direct to entice him. Both of us shower before going to bed. Maybe if I shower early and come back down with very little under my robe...
Does your D have any hobbies that could keep her busy while yall go out? Do you and she have things that you do together, that she could have a go at doing by herself? It's only a few more weeks till school is out for the summer, so if she finds a summer job to keep busy at, that will help her with her lonely feelings. Our S is into photography, and is getting very good at it. Sometimes people who are prone to depression are also very creative people, so perhaps there is some creative outlet for your D to try. Maybe she will meet other kids her age this summer, that she can hang out with at school in the fall, so she won't miss her BF so much, maybe you can help that along by taking her to places where she could meet other kids without being overwhelmed. I am sorry that she no longer believes in God, because of whatever caused her depression. That's a real shame. Perhaps as she grows older, she will see that God isn't to blame, but things happen, unfortunately to all of us. I think the idea of showering earlier is a good idea, and having a peekaboo game with him might spice things up a little. Maybe giving him a backrub, or a massage with some warming oil. And for the uncomfy sofa, get a feather comforter to throw on it, and sit and snuggle on that. Put on some new sexy perfume. Oh, and men love the scent of cinnamon, so if you bake something with that scent wafting through the air, and the combo of you, almost nekkid, your perfume, and the smell of baking, he won't know what hit him, unless he is the rare one who is immune to that sort of thing. My H luckily isn't. Maybe say you are serving "refreshments" up in the bedroom.
Sorry it's taken me a while to respond. I didn't get on the computer much over the weekend at all. I worked most of the day Saturday. Sunday, there was chores, errands and a project that needed to be finished.
I took a shower early Friday and came downstairs with nothing on but my robe. H sat next to me on the sofa. I snuggled up next to him with my legs over his. I let my robe fall off my legs. I don't think I was exposed, but...pretty close. We were positioned in a way that I couldn't tell. I put his hand on my leg and caressed his fingers and hand. I wanted to push his hand further up my thigh, but didn't. At the time, I thought that would be too forward of me and might offend him. But thinking back on it now, he probably would have been okay with it. He may not have reacted right away, but would have at least initiated something when he came to bed. Instead, it was me again. I asked him last night if he realized I was naked under my robe, he said that he didn't and that he wasn't even thinking about it.
Yesterday, H had been mowing the lawn. He was wearing a pair of shorts that are a lightweight knit fabric. We were both in the kitchen. He had come in to get something out of a cupboard. I was putting something away in the same area. I reached around from behind him and gently squeezed his package. He walked away giggling and saying, "You filthy thing."
So, he likes it when I tease him, but he doesn't think to tease me the same way and doesn't notice my teasing unless it is very direct.
We do have another opportunity to be alone until the wee hours of the morning this Saturday. D and BF will be at prom. I told H about it. I suggested that we do something special that evening, either at home or out. When S went to his prom last year, he had trouble finding the restaraunt we made a reservation at. Then he had a flat tire when they got back to his car. We were glad we were available to rescue them. D no drives S's old car. H said he doesn't think we will have another flat on another prom night (too much of a coincidence). That doesn't mean something else couldn't happen. But I think H was saying that we should go ahead and do what we want and not worry about the kids. He didn't say what he would like to do. Should I leave it up to him? If I talk to him about what he would like to do, that would spoil any surprise he might plan. He has never planned any kind of surprise for me, so that may be wishful thinking. So should I plan something?
How about asking him if he would plan something, and he says he would rather not, then you plan something. I guess he is one that you really have to something blatant to get his attention. My H seems to like to be shocked by something like that, that's why I flashed him while he was cutting grass. Or, I will talk naughty to him, when I pass him in the hall.
