How do I explain my lack of desire to my wife?

[12_51]

Thanks GEL.


For the wives of men with low sex drive, what was the cause of their problem?

How did you finally get the issue out in the open?

What did you do to fix the problem?

Are you happy now?

Is he happy now?

[Heywyre]

For the wives of men with low sex drive, what was the cause of their problem?How did you finally get the issue out in the open?What did you do to fix the problem?Are you happy now?Is he happy now?

Wow, talk about a lot of questions

I have been dealing with my H having a LD for as long as I can remember. It wasn't too bad the first couple of years we were together but then things went down hill - literally

I totally understand how you are feeling because my H is the exact same way, he just doesn't have the feeling. It is not like he is doing it on purpose, he just doesn't think about it, ever!! This becomes a real problem for the HD partner of course because they think about it pretty much all the time and can't understand why the other person doesn't do something about it. Why? because they aren't thinking about it, period! Would you be thinking about something that you had totally no concern about? When I started trying to think like this, I began to understand my H a lot more. But unless the HD partner can put themselves in the LD partner's shoes (very hard to do) it is
VERY frustrating to say the least

Getting the problem out in the open is not always going to come out the same way, depending on who the two people are. In your case, it is a little touchy in that she has left. Any effort you make now will be "too little too late" in her eyes and her response will be "sure, you do something about it now that I have left, why didn't you do something years ago".

I haven't left but I have thought about it many, many, many times. I am tired of being my own sex partner. I would love for someone to touch me, caress me, excite me. I am not dead yet and don't plan on going the rest of my life without sex. However, having said that, I also don't want to leave my H. He is my best friend, and if I have to sacrifice my desires and "wants" to be able to stay together, if that is the only difference we have, then I am going to have to find another avenue won't I.

With my H it is a number of issues that is causing the LD, AD is only one of them - as much as they do cause LD in people, there is NO WAY I would sacrifice his sanity or have him go back to the way he was before AD just so I could have sex - thanks, but no thanks because it was living hell the way he was before!! But on a better note, now that he is getting "better" and feeling more positive about life, some of his "feelings" are coming back and he told the C the other day that he knows when we get through all of this our R will be stronger than it ever was. How encouraging is that?

Will we ever have the wild sex we did when we first got together, probably not, but anything is better than nothing at this point. We haven't ML since October 2005 (yes, I didn't get the date wrong) and before that it was about 2 years previous. So, in the past 4 years we've ML twice, and it wasn't all that good. Why? Probably because he really felt the pressure of "performing" which isn't exactly a turn-on now is it?

We have a long, long way to go but I truly believe with C, communication and a lot of patience and understanding between the two of us, we can get back to where we were

[12_51]

The key difference, is you haven't left.

How can I tell her it's not "too little too late". I know that she's thinking "sure, you do something about it now that I have left, why didn't you do something years ago".

What can I do? I'm slow, but not completely dumb.

I'm reading books and improving myself. Yes, I should have done this years ago. But today is today. I can't change the past.

[cemar2]

12_51:

The drugs are probably killing your sex drive. But I would also recommend that you workout for at least an hour every day. Exercise will increase your testosterone, plus give you tons of other chemicals to reduce depression.

[Greeneyedlass]

How did you finally get the issue out in the open? Well, in our case at first...at the beginning of everything I put my foot down and told him if we didn't seek marriage counseling (I was ready to leave at that point), we wouldn't be having another anniversary....he agreed. This at the very least helped our communication issues...BUT unbeknownst to me he continued an activity that I wasn't aware of until a year ago this past February (online porn and interaction with women through Adult Friend Finder, while completely ignoring & rejecting me sexually). When I found out about this activity...that was nearly the end of us. He had been doing that for just over two years (we hadn't been married three yet.) When I confronted him I told him that activity ended NOW, or our marriage did...and I was dead serious about it.

What did you do to fix the problem?
After I found out about his online activity I made an emergency appt. with our MC to talk to her...to help keep me from making any rash decisions regarding my marriage. We discussed what I'd found and came to the conclusion that he had a form of whore/madonna syndrom. Basically, he had a tough time viewing me as someone sexual because I am the type woman he respects and would marry...because in his mind sexual women were sluts, those aren't women you take home to your folks, marry, or have children with. He respects, loves, and admires me....and therefore does not consider me a slut. It's hard for him to think of a woman he respects as sexual...but we're working on it.

Are you happy now?
Yes, for the most part I am. Due to the MC our communication has improved tremendously and my H does do more physically affectionate things towards me, which also helps. I now no longer hold back things and I speak my mind freely. If something is bothering me I just tell him. I'm not rude, cruel, or tactless...just matter-of-fact about it. He in turn has learned to feel safe speaking his mind as well...knowing I'm not going to behave as some of the women from his past have.

Is he happy now?
He says he is. He appears to be more happy as well, more relaxed...more open to talk to, laughs more. Often tells me "why couldn't I have met you 20 years ago!

[Heywyre]

Greeneyedlass

Wow, that is EXACTLY what my H is going through and has been forever. He said those exact words "I can't have sex with you because I respect you too much" - I thought WTH are you talking about. People who love and respect each other ML ALL the time. But he admitted to the C that he has either had women as friends or lovers but never both. Now he is having a REALLY difficult time putting the two aspects of this relationship together. He says he is attracted to me sexually but his mind makes him stop because of his respect for me.

How do they get past this? We've been trying for years and it isn't working - was there any particular exercises or counselling that was suggested to you? I would be VERY interested

[Greeneyedlass]

Hi Heywyre, it's a frustrating and painful situation isn't it....but you definitely AREN'T alone in it.

One thing that helps in our situation is simply scheduling sex. Doesn't sound very romantic does it? But it does help. Even still, my H will often wait until the last possible moment (if I wait on him to initiate.) One thing that has been helping us is this...I've done quite a bit of thinking about things other than sex itself that would help me feel that my H does find me desireable. Things such as flirting with me more suggestively, being a bit more affectionate physically with me oustide of the bedroom. I've literally had to give him specific things he can do that I will agree to recognize as an effort to show me he desires me such as: rubbing my feet (as he often does when we watch tv), playing footsie with me in bed (he's a snuggler and always does this). BUT to add to those things he already does I've asked him to do some things outside of his comfort zone...such as fondling my breasts in a manner that I like, or playfully grabbing my butt in the kitchen...stuff like that. Those are examples of two things he would NEVER do before, that he does now regularly...it's getting him comfortable with treating me more sexually. Now that we've been doing this, he's not so shy about touching me, he does it fairly regularly....and he's not so apt to shy away from me touching him either....and even sometimes plays suggestively with me while I cook dinner.

These things REALLY help me feel better about US. Something else I had to do quite some time back was make it quite clear to my H that I wouldn't remain in a marriage without sex, I didn't sign on to live a celebate life when I married him...and it's an assumed thing when you commit to marrying someone that sex will be involved in that.


If you would like to talk more about this, let's start you a thread (I can do that for you if you aren't sure how), so we don't threadjack 12-51's thread here.

GEL

[Heywyre]

Good idea Green - I will start a new thread called the Whore/Madonna Syndrome and see what kind of responses we get

Thanks a bunch

[truegrit]

Instead of thinking about what you can't do the same as before, or don't do, accept the fact that you can do it, but just differently. Use it to your (and your wife's) advantage. The fact that you are slow to warm up puts you on the same ramp as her, so enjoy taking your time.

[nvraln]

12_51,

"I can't change the past."

No you can't change the past, start by telling her that you can't but you can sure change the future.
You'll need to let her know how much you love her and care for her. Don't be whiney or beg, she'll really lose respect.

Tell her you're getting the help now that you should have years ago, she'd be right about that. Let her know that all the anger, resentment and feelings of rejection are justified, but giving up on the marriage is not at least not without trying. there are men out there who are not even willing to seek help.
Try doing this exercise: make yourself(I say this because I imagine even this is a task for a LD person) Fantasize/dream about her and making love to her in detail. do this everyday, keep reminding yourself that right now she needs to know and feel that you desire her.
Take her out, "just to talk" and let her know how much you need her, and how you would feel if someone else had her in every way especially physically? Challenge yourself to win her back, woo her like when you first went out, try to make it to first, second, third. . . . Home? think about it if you don't make your move on her someone else out there will eventually and she'll be gone. I dare you to get her into bed with you and enjoy yourself. Make yourself desire her.
As women we don't always like doing things we're supposed to, but we do anyway. that's what I think I would do if I were the LD spouse.
By the way there is a website I just found with some more good books that I'm ordering and maybe you and your wife would be interested, they sound like they are right on, like SSM. (Christiansex.net, one of the books is called "when your husband never wants to have sex") Oh well I hope this helps.
Nvraln