I thought I would come into this forum since my H affair is back to full swing again after coming home the second time and breaking all promises a second time. It is his fault, too I know, but OW is playing dirty games and totally turning my H against me. I am DBusting my A$$ off and was making a little progress, but I think she continues to pull him back with her games. She is devious and really wants him to move back in with her and I believe she will stop at nothing. I thought my H was smarter to people like this, but he is so blinded and brainwashed amongst other things by her....... here goes.....
This was my last post... I got home yesterday at 8:30 p.m. grocery shopping with my little boy... he was talking to OW on the phone. He told her he would call her back.
He starts demanding I tell him where his bird house he made at work yesterday was that was in his truck. Now honestly I had no idea what he was talking about. so that is what I said, I said what bird box? He got really mad and kept accusing me of taking it. He started yelling and carrying on, but I stayed calm and swore to him I didn,t take it or even know about it.
He started crying and punching the coffee table so hard and demanding I bring him his bird box in 5 minutes!!!!! I stayed calm again and looked him in the eyes and asked him to please trust me, I did not do it. He was crying and saying I was making him believe he was crazy. I hugged him and said I love you, I would not do that I was trying to help him. I got him to calm down, but he told me he was done with me and told me to leave him alone.
That OW has got him convinced I did this. This is crazy! This is the third or fourth thing he has accused me of that the OW is doing. He keeps believing her. She is a terrible person. He was out with her yesterday and I'll bet you she took it out of his truck or got it somehow. I don't know how, but she did. She is really trying to get him to leave me (today almost did it) by making him believe I am out to get him and I am doing things I really am not.
Here's a recap on what the OW has my H convinced I am behind that I have not done or would never do:
1. That I set up the robbery of her house. 2. I am calling her. 3. I am having someone call her and threatening her life. 4. I stole the bird house my H made out of the back of his truck. (now mind you on top of this she has been the one calling me even at my work one time).
Does anyone know how to handle when the OW is playing so dirty!?? HELP?! My H almost left and went back to her, he was on his way out the door because of this. I think it was because I stayed so calm, that he didn't, I don't know. This is getting ridiculous the games and BS she is pulling. She really is making my H crazy!!!! She really is. She is a terrible person. What do I do? Help? How do I convince him I am not doing these things. My word is not good enough for him with the OW still having such a hold on him. He believes her every time!
I am so sorry. I can not even put into words the disdain I have for that thing interfering in your lives.
Honestly I would just tell him straight out he needs to wake up and the smell wench. Why after the years you spent together would you do things like that. You need to ask him why he does not think its odd that suddenly after being with this horrible woman that his stuff is missing. Ask him why he can not see that she is setting him up. Ask him how can he believe a woman who obviously has no morals over his wife. Tell him that these OW lie lie lie to get what is not theirs and sadly Hs fall for it. Tell him you are not even going to acknowledge anything else you are blamed for because he fails to aknowledge that OW is a liar. Tell him you are amazed he does not see it. Tell him you thought he was smarter than that, but obviously you were wrong just like you were wrong that he was a man with integrity. Then include that you are too busy with too much going on to engage in childish behavior. Say it all nicely, then walk away.
Honestly I don't know if you can do that as per DB rules. But man I do not think I could handle someone like that OW. There is no way. Something tells me she is a OW by trade. If she does not ask for forgivness soon the sows she reaps will be 10000 fold worse then what she dishes out.
Hi Cissy - She is totally PSYCHO! The OW in my sitch is a liar but hasn't turned completely psycho yet. She just lies for sympathy.. However, we did have a strange toy show up on our porch swing. We can't figure out where it came from and I haven't pointed any fingers. H just keeps saying how strange it is.. Could it have come from from OW? Maybe.. I just have no proof so I just keep my mouth shut.
Anyway, what's up with his completely flipping out about the bird box? Whether you took it or not, isn't punching the coffee table and crying overreacting just a teeny bit?? I don't get it. He must be so completely stressed out.
You can't continue living in that drama Cissy... You are doing so great by remaining calm. And, we all know that this OW will end up screwing herself but the question is when?? and, how much more can you take..
I have to agree, Cissy, as to how much more you can and/or will take of this sitch. I wonder what he would, in the long run do, if you were to just kick his rear to the curb and go dark on him? He needs to figure things out one way or the other and he doesn't seem to be in the mental state of mind to do that right now.
This is all easier said than done, not being in the sitch myself, however, as hard as it would be to completely let him go, that may be the only thing left to do and let him finally figure things out for himself.
I don't know -- what do you think? Anything new?
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I couldn't determine if you work or are a stay at home mom.
Cadesmom asked me to come and have a look at your situation.
Here are a few observations. You aren't going to like them, but I will always tell you what I honestly think.
Your husband has an addiction. That means that all bets and methods of marital recovery are off. I don't care whose method you use, it will be of limited effectiveness with an addict.
That doesn't meant that there aren't some things that you can do, you can, but they won't be boiler plate.
First, you must completely eradicate all needy, grabby, desperate beahvior. No begging, pleading, none of that.
Second, you must set some boundaries. Those are ground rules for behaviors that you will simply not tolerate from your husband. I would suggest you start with the following and add to the list.
1) No coming home drunk. If he is drunk, he is not allowed in the house. Call the police if you need help.
2) No sex with this man until ALL his extracurricular activities have stopped. There are a number of STD's that a condom won't protect you from. If you are having unprotected sex with an adulterous addict, then you are not only putting your life at risk, but you are potentially taking away your children's mother via an early death. No sex is worth dying for.
3) No talking to the other woman from your home. That is completely disrespectful to you and the kids. If he must talk to her, then he can go outside, even in a thunderstorm.
4) Your home will be peaceful. You will have to make that happen. If that means he can't be there, then so be it. Your children need a stable environment, even if it is with just one parent.
Those are four very straightforward boundaries for you to start with.
You must face the fact that you can not "woo" this man back home in any lasting way.
You must protect your children from the ongoing drama. I promise you, it is doing them far greater damage than you can imagine right now.
Please let me know if you want to continue discussing this.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
That is great advice Cissy. I know that whenever my H is not abiding by my boundaries, it feels like my home gets entirely disruptive. Life is so much better when you can surround yourself with a peaceful home.
Before I made my boundaries clear, I didn't even want my H to come home. I dreaded his walking in the door because I didn't know what kind of disrespectful behavior was coming in with him!
Thanks, NOP, for coming over here & giving her advice! Cissy, I truly believe he knows what he's talking about!!!
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
H got a lot of addictions. The DBusting brought him home, why wouldn't it get him to stop with the OW? Some say can take up to a year or more. It has been going on 2 yrs, but he has only been home for 2 months.
He won't stop drinking, he'd rather leave... I really have been doing pretty good with no needy grabby behavior, he does whatever he pleases and I don't say anything anymore, but I am at the point where I want to talk to him about curtailing the affair soon, or maybe I just feel paniced?
I did kick him out.. feel like I've been there, done that... don't feel like I could handle that right now... He can hold a grudge forever... he didn't speak to me for 2 months... not even the kids... and anyways, if I were to do that again, I know if would be it, we would be done, I know it sounds backwards, but as much as I have had enough and rightly so, he has had enough, too... he has no patience or tolerance... and some people in my family and friends think he is bi-polar because of his actions.
Quite a few people that know my sitch and know and like both of us even his friends have told me they think the only thing that is going to wake him up is if I get OM and turn the tables, they say this will snap him out of it, and I am beginning to think they are right... not to sound shallow, but what I am not getting from him for so long, my eyes are starting to wander if you know what I mean. I am so lonely for the kind of attention he gives her... you know...
Can't give him no sex... that is one of my faults from before and may have something to do with this sitch.
I like the no talking in house in front of kids, may have to bring this one up and tell him do not bring her into this home!!!!!
Trust me I have had many boundaries... he breaks them all... it's either live with them or the marriage is over.. those are me 2 choices.
Thank you, I will take all the help I can get, and I hope it's right about OW doing themselves in... I'm countin on it!
I wish you would reconsider some of the suggestions I made to you. You really are putting yourself at risk.
I am going to tell you one other thing. It is going to hurt your feelings, and I am not expecting a reply. I am saying it to you because I believe that it will stick with you and eventually make sense to you.
Your marriage can not be healed as long as your husband is an addict. So long as you don't realize the truth in the previous statement, you will be caught in a circle, always chasing your tail.
If you want to discuss strategies, I am willing to offer suggestions, but I can't help you with anything until you are willing to face the truth. No one can.
Lastly, don't cheat on your husband, that will only make matters much, much worse.
God bless you and your family. -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
