Well, I thought I would start a new thread since my old one seems so long ago.
Over the past couple months, I have spent more time with my XW then I have in probably a year. Over the past 5 weeks, we have gone out 3 times, for hours at a time. And each time, I walk away wondering....why are we divorced again?
We have had some great times together recently. Honestly, like when we were first dating.
A friend of mine says that all of this is her testing the waters. She likes what she sees, the changes that she sees, but is not ready to move forward. I guess that makes sense.
I have been reading posts over the last few days that have really hit home. That it takes x amount of time to get through a MLC. If things were good for so long, why not give it that amount of time too before totatally giving up.
Althought I have decided to move forward with my life and to be open to new relationships, I also owe it to myself to keep trying to leave the door open I feel. While I don't advertise it to her, she knows that I am here for her.
Any advice from those who have been in that great big GREY AREA of what are we and where are we really going?
CIAZ M 7/97 S 5/05 D 8/06 Both 33 years old No kids
This is a really tough one. My personal inclination would be to treat her as just another woman you date. I KNOW this can be very hard given the history. However, I think it is very important. You want to be there but she should know she is not the only option you have. Then, I would let time do its work.
I pray you find love and peace.
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
rmg/confused: my D was final yesterday..i feel i will encounter the same issues....sooner rather than later....please see my thread in sep-what now?.....i will need the same advise...god bless...Big Tuna
ME-47 WAW-42 S16 S8 bomb 5/5/06 separated 10/6/06 D 4/18/07
The door closes when it closes. You don't even notice. As long as you aren't putting life on hold waiting from some action from her, then who says the door needs to be forced closed.
Keep moving forward with your life. If you want to see her and date her, then fine. If you want to date other women, that's fine. It's your life. Live it how you want. As far as your ex is concerned, it's really up to her to ask about trying again (which she may never do...she may hang out with the comfortableness you represent until she finds someone else and then you're history....can you handle that?). What you control is whether you want her as a part of your life or not. As I said above, you could be a stopgap until she finds the next "soulmate".
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thanks for the replies. That is my plan....to take it slow and see where it goes. Thanks for the second opinion! She is out of town for the next three weeks so will update then!
CIAZ M 7/97 S 5/05 D 8/06 Both 33 years old No kids
Just_Me makes a good point. He wrote on my thread and asked why I would even consider trying again given what she did to me and what she is now. And here another good point:
Quote:
As far as your ex is concerned, it's really up to her to ask about trying again (which she may never do...she may hang out with the comfortableness you represent until she finds someone else and then you're history....can you handle that?).
Something to think about. Why open the door to hurt again when there are so many other fish in the sea?
So I think the play it slow with eyes open is a good course. Luck.
Thanks for the responses! Sorry that I am delayed getting back to you all. I have a big conference this coming weekend and have been swamped.
Jeff, I really appreciate your advice. I have been keeping the door open to other things. I guess that is why I am dwelling on this topic a bit. Recently I ended a relationship with a gal that I was seeing for 8 months. She was very attractive, outgoing, and fun. We had some great times together and I would even go so far as to say that I fell for her a bit. But in the end, I realized that she was not what I really wanted. She was unstable in her life (moved a bit), but more than that, was not able to really deal with her feelings or show them. Some bad relationships did that too her.
My XW was actually the person that got me started really thinking about "Jane". My X told me one time at dinner that "I deserved more" from someone that I was dating then I was receiving from Jane. That statement kind of blew me away. Then, later on, rhetorically asks me why no one has asked her out since our D. I replied with why am I seeing someone and she is not. She replied that I was fun, attractive, outgoing...a great guy. Again....blew me away.
I have made no attempt to rekindle things with her, but certainly have left the door open. Just wondering what you all would do in this situation. When you think your X might want to come back, but is too proud to admit it?
CIAZ M 7/97 S 5/05 D 8/06 Both 33 years old No kids
Well, the drama continues. Went to a funeral for a friend of mine today that I met through my X-In Laws. I knew that they would probably be there and they were. Long story short, X-MIL blew a tire on the way, so I had to change her tire, drive her to the reception afterward, spent time there with her, drove her and finally drove her back to her car. Spent over 3.5 hours with her and had a great time. Crazy!!!!!!!!!
I called my X tonight to give her the heads up and to let her know the story and to make sure that that MIL got home okay, which she did. XW thanked me a couple times for doing that. Why do they think that since you are no longer M that you would be a complete ass? Or is it that they really don't want to see you in a positive light?
CIAZ M 7/97 S 5/05 D 8/06 Both 33 years old No kids
So, the X calls tonight. Decided I am going to start calling her Loopy for now. Calls and tells me about all of the bad things that are going on at the office, how she is so far behind due to other office activities and she hopes to get back on track. Proceeds to tell me about her other distant family members that she recently saw and what they are doing these days.
Finally, after 30 mins, asks if we could get together so that she can give a movie back to me I lent and to ask if I will continue to share the Sam's Club account and to pay this year (she paid last year). I agreed and we are going to meet next week. She inquired about dinner and thought "that might be fun"....okay.
So, Loopy wants to stay somewhat in my life and have me in hers, but I am just starting to get the feeling that this is not right! How can you be friends with someone that you were M to for 10 years and act as if nothing happened? I stopped giving her information this evening. If she asks me, I will tell her honestly, but I am not offering anything. I guess distancing myself again from her will help me figure out what I really am after? Reconciliation or complete Seperation!
CIAZ M 7/97 S 5/05 D 8/06 Both 33 years old No kids
It does sound like she wants you in her life. On the other hand is it just for friendship while she waits for the OM to show. Or is she interested in more?
I see no reason not to be "friends" as long at that is okay with you. But if you feel it is not right than it most likely is not. You should be dating others and your GAL strategy should not include her really. You are D; time to move on, but does not hurt to leave a crack in the door BUT only if you want to.
