Having too much time to myself to think about all the things I need to be setting aside, there is one thing that burns like acid, etching an image in my brain.
I know my wife's personality. I know how she acts in bed. I know what satisfies her and how she reacts to it.
I saw her lying in bed with "Friend". I know what happened. The easy part is dismissing it as a mechanical thing, a rebellious act and nothing special. The hard part is when the mind gets going and makes you wonder about everything else. Things like: Did she show him that side of her personality? The excitement, the actions that only I experienced up to that point. Did she climax? Was it that damned good?
The mannerisms, the vocalizations, the big payoff...
The mental images are maddening at times.
You at least want to believe that it couldn't have been that good. That the OM was inept with her and couldn't make it as complete as you can.
Reality is that the excitement of the taboo act itself was probably enough to make it all that and then some.
You try to put it out of your head, but there are times when you just can't manage to do it.
The mind, the imagination. A very powerful enemy in these situations.
Argue your limitations and sure enough, they are yours. - Richard Bach
Many former MLCers have said the sex wasn't all that great. But you know what...sometimes it's gotta be pretty awesome. Sorry...but that is the reality of it.
But you know what...it's intimacy and romance that women pine after. the hot sex is just that if those other things are absent.
Evolutionarily men try to spread their seed--multiple women, and women seek a man who will be there. A pregnant woman knows the chld is biologically hers, but a man has no way of knowing for certain other than complete isolation from all other fertile males.
In General Females have greater trouble with the betrayal of intimacy because it is a sign of a man who will be there, while Males have greater trouble with infidelity...even if you are no longer seeking to multiply.
Yes imagine can be tough. But the hot sex isn't going to hold her. Love is the bond she will need inthe end.
My H never got the "I have a headache" from me, ever. I don't even think it was the sex that he left for (hell, he was getting it 4x/week!).
Imagining does funny things to the mind. I try not to think of this as OW looks exactly like a man.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I am doing just that, but the nature of my job leaves me too much time to think.
I'm just thinking in print here.
I have to burn out those thoughts before I can proceed as well as I should. They need to be old and tired, like a T.V. rerun, you know? I mean, how many times have we seen Die Hard or Lethal Weapon? The images are not as intense anymore after a few thousand replays. You just flip the channel over and find something more interesting when it comes on.
Kind of the same concept, only different.
Questions we all ask ourselves though, right?
Last edited by MoonDog; 04/17/0707:05 PM.
Argue your limitations and sure enough, they are yours. - Richard Bach
I suspect the "thrill" and awesome sex experience in the A comes from being with someone who is NOT your spouse. And in MLC, a spouse you have come to HATE (yes, we have all gotten the spew to know we are LOATHED).
So, though you look at the OP and say "eeeewwww...icky"...there is some thrill there....the thrill that it is not you.
I also suspect that a lot in the "great sex" department, if it truly IS better sex, is b/c it comes with a lot of anonymity...so you're more adventurous, free and all that stuff.
End point...you're not YOU in MLC. So, everything is distorted, for good or bad.
You know, when H came home in January--he certainly did not have any complaints when he went to bed with me during that time. Funny how they come back and admit they never stopped loving you and then bam--they are out that door again.
I think I read at the charlyne site where Bob said that it is not great sex, it is the lust that makes it seem so exciting. However, when they are discovered, I bet that flame burns out quickly.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
It is a well-known fact that as soon as an affair becomes public, it is doomed.
The whole town knew about it the very next morning. I don't know how, but it got out like an Arizona wild fire. I suspect that the cop who came to my house that morning might have started the flow on that one. She stated to me that she knew it was an issue already - before I even confirmed it! I had my suspicions for sure, but the rest of the town was way ahead of me. Many folks asked why I didn't maul him a long time ago. I would have, but I just didn't have that confirmation.
I have had an affair myself. I told that story here. The sex was incredible. Probably the best I ever had. I could be a different person with her. I felt younger, (She was 10 years younger) more appreciated and more alive than I had in years!
Hence the mental images that I am trying to abate.
The thing about affair sex is this, however. The connection is missing. The love and commitment part is absent. No matter how physically great it was, it was strangely empty.
Surreal, almost.
Argue your limitations and sure enough, they are yours. - Richard Bach
This is just the VERY issue I've been tossing around my pretty little head ALL dang day.
Hubs told me *some* of the details I asked about - they saw each other 6 times in 8 months - had sex once and it was not all that - said that she wasn't even someone he would have normally been attracted to... However, he was caught up in the mind/emotional game of it all. She like things I didn't (opera/wine) etc....and at the time, that caught his eye.
I know it would be easy for him to *lie* to be about these things, but the way I asked and the way he answered it rang of truth (if that makes sense...)
When I found out (I found a mushy gushy card he was going to give her that night) he broke it off the next day. I asked how he could say all those "lovey" things and then just walk away? He said he was making it into something he needed...
I suppose all that makes sense but in my mind - it's crazy blown out of proportion...I keep asking myself, do I really need anymore details?
This is long, but I found this on another forum and I sent it to my husband...to me, it says it all:
"To My Husband,
"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't she know by now that I love her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.
"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.
"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is will affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.
"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.
"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."
