Our sex life has slowly gone downhill over time. We used to have great sex multiple times a week and it was very satisfying for both of us. Now we have sex about twice a month. It is very forced. I cannot satisfy her anymore and she won't talk about it. It took a long time for her to admit that anything was different. Now that she admits things are different, she doesn't think that they are a problem.
Friday (4/13) I found SSM online at amazon and read the first chapter. It so sounded like my marriage. It was like a transcript from our house. I was really ready to see if it could help. I didn't know if the conclusions would be right, but it stated the problems with my marriage to a T. I was really ready to let go of a lot of anger and frustration and let things heal.
However, this weekend we had a big gathering at house. I had put off starting anything because of all the stressors with the gathering. When our friends were around, she was flirty and fun and passionate and kissed me like I hadn't been kissed in months. She smiled at me. She made jokes to our friends about "knocking before you come over" and "leaving a message on the machine". I was ecstatic. As soon as they were gone, it all went back to zero affection. Doesn't talk, always tired, always stressed, avoids going to bed at the same time. It was just a show.
A lot of my hurt and resentment came back, but they were tempered by two new emotions that I had never felt before: apathy and disgust. I *really* don't want to have sex with her now. I'd love to put things back to the way they were years ago, but I just can't see going back to the bad sex. It's really the first time in my marriage that I have not wanted sex with her. I feel bile in my throat when I look at her. The little show she put on for our friends just makes me want to puke. I've always found her so attractive and the weight just didn't make a difference to me, but now I am disgusted by her. It's a whole new light and it isn't flattering. This is a *huge* change for me. I've always desired my wife very intensely.
She has always told me that she would feel more amorous if I: did more around the house, lost weight, helped more with the kids, took anti-depressants. Well, I've done all of the above. I do *all* of the household dishes and laundry. I clean elsewhere around the house. I supervise the childrens' chores and homework. I manage the kids' activities. I run 3 days a week and lift weights 3 days a week. I work out at home so that I don't miss time with her and the kids. I don't cook dinner because she gets mad when I do. (that's HER job) I'm a little tired of cold cereal and PBJ sandwiches for dinner and may start cooking anyway. I went to the doctor, with her supervising and got a regimen of very light SSRIs. I have to admit that I was depressed. It helped me sleep better almost immediately. It's helped improve the attitudes around the house as it has helped me deal with things better. None of this over the last five years has helped our sex life.
Things really came to a head in February when I got her the usual flowers, and candy and the DVD "Ghost" for valentines day. It was "too much". It was "desperate" and "pathetic". We had a big flap-up over that. I've always tried to do the little things with cards, notes, flowers, and whispers. Over the years they've been less and less appreciated and after Valentine's day, I just don't want to do them any more. I never sent gifts when in trouble. I wanted gifts to be for positive times. When I screwed up, I tried to face the music and change my behavior. This seems to have backfired on me.
I haven't talked to her about my new feelings. I haven't told her that the SSRIs help with being depressed about lack of sex, but that I'm still unhappy with our sex life. She is very defensive and agressive if I mention that I'm unhappy. If I'm tell her that I'm still unhappy with how I'm being treated, then I think she'll just want to up my medication until I'm happy with her. I really don't know where to begin.
Me - 39 Her - 35 Married 15 years Dated 1.5 years Son 12 Son 8 Daughter 8
You need to tell your wife exactly what you are going through, and do it ASAP.
Here is the deal. The apathy and disgust are precursors to a completely dead relationship. Once disgust sets in, it can be very difficult for you to change your mind, even if your wife starts doing all the right things.
This is an issue that can't wait. You need to address it now.
Do you think you can discuss this issue and your feelings with your wife without being angry or condescending? She especially needs to know how offensive the "happy act" was to you.
Please let us know your thoughts.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Ok, I had a sick feeling in my stomach as I read your post. I think you probably could have been saying word for word what my husband would have been saying or was saying right before and leading up to dropping the D bomb (well most of it - not the act thing). Anyway, my H ended up doing a lot around the house trying to help me to be "happy" and less stressed. I had become very angry, bitter, resentful as I was trying to be someone I wasn't -- the "mommy" that I thought I should be. I ended up taking my H for granted for years and didn't see him any longer as a lover, etc. I ended up taking my stress & unhappiness out on him and no longer took care of our M or him -- I was totally focused on the children and how stressed out I was all the time and was not basically just not a very happy person.
My H too tried to talk to me about things and I would become angry or defensive.
I'm not suggesting you drop the D bomb, but it may take something pretty serious to get her to wake up & see what is going on. I never thought that D was an option, therefore never even thought about losing my husband or what I would be losing or what I was taking for granted. She may need a serious wake up call -- that's what it took for me, as sad as that may be.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Hi, Openguy. You need to tell your wife exactly what you are going through, and do it ASAP.
Thanks. I thought so, but she's reacted very negatively in the past. I've been scared to bring it up. Why is doing the right thing usually so hard?
Originally Posted By: NOPkins
Here is the deal. The apathy and disgust are precursors to a completely dead relationship. Once disgust sets in, it can be very difficult for you to change your mind, even if your wife starts doing all the right things.
Yes, I thought so. It just came on all of a sudden. I wanted some feedback that I wasn't going off the deep end or around the bend. It felt very much like a death of part of our relationship. When she declared a sex-moratorium a few months ago, I had much the same feelings. (of death, not apathy and disgust)
Originally Posted By: NOPkins
Do you think you can discuss this issue and your feelings with your wife without being angry or condescending? She especially needs to know how offensive the "happy act" was to you. Please let us know your thoughts. All the best, -NOPkins-
The hard part will be not reacting when she responds. "Why do you always have to be sad or angry when things are going well?" "Why can't you just be happy?" "Why does it always have to be about sex?" I wasn't nearly as angry as I'd been before and what anger I do have is tempered by loss, apathy, and disgust. A whole lot of those negative feelings were expended by posting here. I think I can communicate effectively and without malice and resist the temptation to tweak her nose even just a little bit. I want to be her friend but I'm not happy and if she's my friend she'll want me to be happy.... I hope.
I want to tell her that: 1) I was really excited (not sexually) by her "talking up" our sex life to our friends and the increased touching and verbal affection this weekend. 2) When they left and it went back to the usual "touch me not" state of affairs, it was a very drastic fall. 3) This led to negative feelings on my part that are potentially very very damaging to our marriage. (I think I"ll only elaborate if necessary.)
We'll see how it goes. Openguy
Me - 39 Her - 35 Married 15 years Dated 1.5 years Son 12 Son 8 Daughter 8
I think that is a good approach, but on item number three, I think you will need to have your detailed response ready because she is likely to want details.
Also, are you aware that you are particularly vulnerable to an affair right now?
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Ok, I had a sick feeling in my stomach as I read your post. I think you probably could have been saying word for word what my husband would have been saying or was saying right before and leading up to dropping the D bomb (well most of it - not the act thing). Anyway, my H ended up doing a lot around the house trying to help me to be "happy" and less stressed. I had become very angry, bitter, resentful as I was trying to be someone I wasn't -- the "mommy" that I thought I should be. I ended up taking my H for granted for years and didn't see him any longer as a lover, etc. I ended up taking my stress & unhappiness out on him and no longer took care of our M or him -- I was totally focused on the children and how stressed out I was all the time and was not basically just not a very happy person.
She totally admits that she takes me for granted. She just thinks that's OK until the kids "get bigger". She doesn't understand why I don't see it like she does. I don't mind coming in last, I just want to be in the race. It's not that I get affection leftovers; it is that the affection fridge is empty. What I don't get is that as she gets more stressed, she does less and less with the children and yet still can't find time for me. I'm sure some of it is self-image. Stress = equals weight gain for her. It's never bothered me until the past 48 hours. I really wish I understood this mom-stress thing. What is she stressing about? She's a very capable mother until recently. What is this dark place where there is no lover, no mom just seemingly endless excuses?
Originally Posted By: Cadesmom34
My H too tried to talk to me about things and I would become angry or defensive.
It gives me so much hope to no that someone came out of that place. Sometimes, it just seems like it has been going on forever and you wonder how it's ever going to end.
Originally Posted By: Cadesmom34
I'm not suggesting you drop the D bomb, but it may take something pretty serious to get her to wake up & see what is going on. I never thought that D was an option, therefore never even thought about losing my husband or what I would be losing or what I was taking for granted. She may need a serious wake up call -- that's what it took for me, as sad as that may be.
We've both thought about divorce, but neither of us wants it. I am really afraid that if she keeps lying to our friends to cover up what's really going on in our marriage that we may go to the place where our marriage ends in a whimper not a bang. This scared me because I could see myself getting to a place where I walked away from the marriage without a backwards glance and that is just devastating. I guess when it isn't devastating, you're already there.
I don't know what will jar her. She will often promise future sex, future sex-drive or wax nostalgic about "the sex kitten that she used to be". I've cried, I've stormed, I've slept on the couch, I've talked. I just don't know. I'm a lot less emotionally needy than I used to be. As she withdrew affection, I got more needy. She found that unattractive and became more withdrawn. I've learned that I can't depend on her for affection and become more independent. She doesn't seem to have noticed.
I'll tell her what's going on with me tonight and see what she says. I'll do my best to stay upbeat no matter what. In the meantime I'll continue to enjoy what I do with the kids and work on me.
Thanks OpenGuy
Me - 39 Her - 35 Married 15 years Dated 1.5 years Son 12 Son 8 Daughter 8
Hi, Openguy. I think that is a good approach, but on item number three, I think you will need to have your detailed response ready because she is likely to want details.
I can do it. It's pretty brutal. I don't know of much of a way to sugar coat it. I feel so much better having spilled my guts here and hanging them up as artwork that I hope it isn't too much of a let-down when I'm face to face with her again. I'm going to really try and take a positive attitude into this. If it goes badly then I'll do my best to wait until I'm back here to let it show.
Originally Posted By: NOPkins
Also, are you aware that you are particularly vulnerable to an affair right now? All the best, -NOPkins-
I'm sure that I could be. I would love some flattery and affection. I've been without either for so long. It would feel really good. I really really want my marriage to work and I don't think an affair would help that. Also, I really crave intimacy and I don't think you get that from any type of affair. I'm pretty isolated and have few opportunties. I guess that's fortunate. It also makes me a little shy on close friends which is one of the reasons that I wound up here.
I think your point is well made, but right now all I can think of is "ick". I just don't want/need the complications. I want my old marriage back. I don't even want "just sex" with my wife.
I'll let everybody know when my "wishing hand" is full.
Thanks OpenGuy
Me - 39 Her - 35 Married 15 years Dated 1.5 years Son 12 Son 8 Daughter 8
Coming from my POV (point of view) as your sitch sounds a lot like how I was feeling/acting, I would say she's just not happy w/ herself, bottom line. She doesn't know who she is anymore and she doesn't know what she wants anymore.
That's how I felt -- we had 3 kids in the matter of 7 yrs. By the time we got married, I had given up on ever having kids; when I was younger never thought I wanted them. I got pregnant w/ our first w/in 2 wks of getting married; I got out of the military so that we both wouldn't be in the military w/ children. Anyway, I totally ended up losing any sort of self during those years. I didn't know HOW to be a mom and a wife and working, etc., etc., etc.
Instead of figuring it out or just being happy, I became angry, bitter, resentful, etc. toward H.
I have now found that instead of focusing my negative toward H, I am much more happy having a happy M and R w/ H and working hand in hand w/ H on house, kids, etc.
I didn't realize what I was missing out on shutting H out and not wanting to ML, etc. I truly have a lot of regrets now that I realize all that I missed out on all these years that I was feeling so angry about everything.
I wish I could talk to her (your W) and tell her what I've learned. When H dropped the D bomb, it was devestating -- I truly had never realized what I had to lose! I love H more now than ever before and am still praying that all is not lost.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Why did you become this way? I see this in my wife, I see this in other women. Once children arrive, you become completely different people. Heck I see this at work, women without children actually talk about their husbands and boyfriends, but once they have children, they change. They spend ALL of their time talking about children. Their husbands COMPLETELY disappear from their conversations. Why do women become this way? And why do they not understand the damage they are doing to their relationships?
