So we seem to be moving along pretty well. We've had our ups and our freakin' downs...but s-l-o-w-l-y it's moving along...
However, I now find myself stuck on the details. I found out 2/8 that he was having an affair (mostly EA - PA one time, but was about the emotional "need") and he told her the next day they were done.
I guess now I need to understand why in the first place - put a "name" on the need he was looking to fill. He's mentioned that that what he was looking for he didn't even get, so why did the affair continue? Does he feel that I ever filled that need but somehow got caught up and lost my way?
Is this something I should bring up in MC or just let it go?
I HATE that they can so easily move on (and I honestly believe that some can just drop the A and move on) and we're stuck living with the details/images in our minds and thoughts EVERY day. I also know that we tend to make it more than it actually was.
I'd like to hear some input also. I'm in the same sitch. H & I are doing very well. However, he's leaving in 2 wks for a year deployment, and I am still left w/ insecurity, fear that he will cheat again while he's over there, etc. I'm also stuck not wanting to talk to him about these things b/c I don't want to rock the boat w/ him leaving so soon and us doing so well.
He acts "as if" the D bomb and the following events never happened. I think he still talks to OW (EA) b/c she's a "friend" and they work together and I'm afraid that the EA may heat up again once he's gone and maybe talking to her on a regular basis from overseas.
Not to hijack your thread, but I guess we all end up going through the same emotions, feelings, etc. as we "move on."
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Men usually move forward after an A much quicker than women do. Women have much deeper emotions than men (for the most part - I don't want to hear any crap from you guys out there - lol)
Its just the way they process things. It's not that it doesn't matter to them or that they don't care, its just the way they are wired. It drives me nuts but if you have good communication you will get through this mess (and if you can't do it together, by all means do it during the C session)
My H, is finally starting to realize what I need to get through this and its hard for him because he's already moved way past it and rehashing it over and over just opens the old wound for him but it is the only way I can heal and he sees that and is willing to give me a little rope. I know it won't be indefinitely but at least for the time being he is accommodating. Unless your S is willing to forfeit his desire to move on and not talk about things, to allow you to heal in your own way, you will just push all the emotion down, thinking there is something wrong with you that you can't move forward, and then it will just fester and most likely happen all over again. Trust me, that's exactly what happened in my case and this is the second time we are going through this because we didn't handle it right the first time around.
We have got into some pretty heated discussions this time around, things that I never would have brought up for fear of retaliation. This time I knew I couldn't let it just lay there again. If bringing it up meant it would cause so much dischord between us, then I guess we weren't meant to be together after all. But we got through it, and we are stronger each day because of it.
We still have a long, long way to go and I know there will be lots more ups and downs but we are on the same path and that is the main thing.
Hang in there
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I guess I'm stuck at - he said that he went looking to fufill a need I was neglecting (the passion/romance emotional part 'cuz lord knows I was still taking care of the physical part). He's a different kind of man when it comes to all that. He's more into the mental/emotional part of the relationship (I totally believe this and have known that about him forever). He loves the mushy part much more than the physical.
When I found out, it was by finding a card he had written her and planned to give her that night. It was very mushy ("I'll always be here... blah blah blah"). He broke it off with her by phone the next day. He told me several weeks ago that he wasn't even really attracted to her, but he was trying to fill that need of longing with her. I asked how he could have said stuff that he did? He said it was all part of it.
I guess I truly believe this - back in the 90's early 2000 I was HEAVILY involved in chat and know that I could daily give my devotion and love and forever to someone knew that I "clicked" with on that day, however, could drop them the next - so I KNOW this is possible (thank GOD I moved out of that phase).
I think what it is that they don't get - is that it's hard for us to just "accept" that it was what it was and they've moved along and are hoping for better.
We have our MC on Thursday - should I bring any of this up or just let sleeping dogs lie and hope it fades with time?
Are you going to C alone also? Maybe talk to C about it by yourself & see what they have to say.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
We're in MC together and then I'm in IC alone. My IC wonders why we haven't discussed the A more in MC. MC always seems to just be us rehashing issues from the week/weeks between sessions. At the first session the A was brought up very briefly - just that it happened, he was trying to fufill a need, blah blah blah.
Everyone tells me to just let it be...but I guess it's the reassurance that I'm seeking and I know that is nothing but false security.
Doesn't help that he travels once a week to the city/hotel where the A took place.
I think there comes a time when, as hard as it may be, we need to just LET IT GO. We need to get it through to ourselves that, since we chose this road, to forgive, we need to forget and let it go. If we truly want to work out the M and stay w/ our (cheating) H, we are going to have to let it go. No more snooping, no more wondering, just let it go and get on w/ life.
It is a choice they are going to have to make in the long run. I would like to believe that, if we put our efforts into our M and quit worrying about OW or if H is going to cheat again, we will give our H's all that they need to make the choice not to cheat again. They may be faced w/ the decision at some point whether to cheat again or not, but hopefully at that point they will consider what they have and know that it's not worth it and MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE. That's how I'm going to look at it from now on! I can't sit here worrying that H may cheat the whole year he's gone or I will end up ruining my M by saying or doing something stupid that would come out of that thinking. I need to remember that I worked damn hard to get him to stay and hopefully that is what he is going to think about and all the good times we've had since he decided to stay when he is faced w/ a decision like that again.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Get the book "Not 'Just Friends'" by Shirley Glass. It should help you understand why, or how, the affair happened. In fact, it may even help explain it better than your husband ever could because he may not fully understand it.
There are other good books too. It can take a long time to get to a place where you can let go. And some people take longer than others. I believe from what I've read, a general time frame is about 2 years. With my husband's first affair it took me about 5 years to fully get over it. That's when I finally never thought about it, and when I did, the pain was gone. I also trusted my husband again. Although I never was naive enough to believe it couldn't happen again. And that, I think, was good.
