I had a horrible day today with probably doing the wrong things and setbacks, so bad that I can't even bring myself to tell you about it... I have so much to work on on myself.
At least I did move my office stuff home and will be working from home now, so (hopefully) that will be a good thing. I hope the distance will be good for both of us.
So, let's just say that thank goodness tomorrow is a new day... I go see my counselor tomorrow, which will really be a good thing.
Well done on moving your office. That's a big step and I'm glad you've done it. If you can maintain it, and give H the space he needs and indeed you the space you desparately need to clear your head, you will have done a good thing to contribute to healing your marriage.
I've been thinking about the backsliding. I've been thinking about how you have been doing it and beating yourself up for it, but seemingly been unable to do anything about it.
I think it's the 'Spoilt Brat' syndrome. I had it too. Lots of middle class white girls have it.
All our lives we've gotten everything we wanted. If we didn't get it the first time, we just kept on "asking" until we did get it. We never had to learn that there are just some things we can't have - least of all, things that involve sacrifies by someone else - because our parents sacrificed whatever they could for us, we could twist our teachers, professors and bosses around our little fingers and we have the personal resources to seek out or purchase anything else we want.
So here you are. You want your husband back and the only way you know how to get something is to keep asking for it. Experience has shown you that if you ask enough, in enough different ways, with enough desparation - you'll get it.
Those behaviours worked once (they are cute and appealing in a child or young woman) - but they won't work now and they are not particularly attractive skills in a 30 something year old woman. Stamping your feet, shaking your fists and saying "because I want it" isn't what grown ups do.
Tam you can continue to act like a spoilt brat, whining and demanding you get what you want - or you can employ the principles and strategies that grown ups use.
If you really did love your husband, you would give him the space that he has asked you for. Instead, you behave as though you don't care what he wants - you just want instant gratification to put you out of your pain. You, you, you.
It's time to learn how to use grown up strategies for getting the things that you want and accepting that there are some things that we just can't have exactly when we want it on exactly our own terms. Life isn't like that. Sometimes the things the people around us "want" mean that we can't have what we "want" and loving unconditionally, maturely and selflessly is a very important virtue for all of us.
Have a good day tomorrow. V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Virginia, You are so right about the spoiled brat syndrome. I have often thought that about my ownself during all of this. I was an only child in a middle class family. I had wonderful parents and always got what I needed and most of the time what I wanted. Nothing really bad ever happened to me until the death of my mother. I have always been so used of everything working out for me. So when my H walked out, I couldn't believe and just knew he would come home soon. Well, it's been 6 months and he's still not home. At times I do okay DBing and then I backslide.
2, You are not alone wanting everything your way, but please calm down. We are not going to get them that way. We have to show them that we can stand on our own two feet. I've done better, but I know I have a ways to go. Begging, pleading, and demanding will not get us anywhere. We have to leave that up to the OW. We have to make ourselves strong and desirable. Hang in there.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Thanks, Virginia and Yoyo. Today is a new day. I appreciate your insights on the "spoiled brat" syndrome. You guys always give me so much to think about - thank you.
Gotta run, but just wanted to check in. Yes, today is a new day. I apologized to H this morning for my errors yesterday, and he said thank you and said everything is still okay. We'll see...
So, today will be a better day. Working from home for the first day is going to be hard, but I hope this proves to be a good step for both H and me. I've just got to get control of myself and do what I need to do. H did tell me yesterday that he made his decision to work on our M while I was in Vegas. He said it was because I wasn't around and also that I wasn't questioning him about everything. This is what I suspected, and I just can't seem to get ahold of myself to get that strong person back to continue what I started in Vegas. Yesterday was a really, really, really bad day. I don't want to ever, ever have one of those days again. I've just got to give him space and myself, too, and pray that if I can only continue Vegas it will give me some sanity back and allow H to see that and to WANT to come home, and to want to come home soon...
As always, thanks, everyone, for your guidance and encouragement.
I had to go to the job site this morning and stopped at the job site where H was to apologize for last night. I told him I was really sorry and that I was embarrassed for the way I had acted. He said it was okay. I told him I didn't want to mess things up with my behavior, and he said that everything is still okay. We'll see... I absolutely cannot repeat what I did yesterday.
I saw my counselor today. I told her what happened yesterday, and we talked about my impulsive reactions, what causes them, etc. We talked about the fact that intellectually I GET what I need to do but that I'm not internalizing it to follow through on what needs to be done. We talked about the feelings of being scared and desperate. She told me to get a doll or whatever I chose that for me would symbolize the scared, desperate little girl in me and to if possible have it with me, even when I'm around H, and to work on "taking care" of that little girl, not doing things to hurt her. The goal of this is to help me work on my own self-respect. As you've all told me, I am relying on H to make me feel better and to fix all of this rather than relying on myself and getting my own personal power back. She said I'm not allowing myself to deeply feel the scared, desperate emotions and to "take care" of them appropriately. I can't remember what she called this, something like psychokinetics maybe? The idea is for me to get in touch with my feelings on an internal level rather than just on an intellectual level. She said it won't happen immediately and that I'll need to practice with it.
She also told me that I need to practice writing down what the good things are about me so that I can work on feeling better about myself. She said since I write to you guys, my "journaling," that it would be a good place to do it. This is really hard for me, but here goes:
1.) I'm caring and giving and have a big heart. 2.) My friendship is never-ending once it is gained. 3.) I'm smart 4.) I'm pretty 5.) I am cheerful to be around (when I'm not going through hell...) 6.) I'm a hard worker 7.) I'm driven 8.) I'm very family-oriented 9.) I have a "never say die" I can do this attitude 10.) I would do anything for anyone
Okay. That's enough of a list for today. Again, this feels funny, but it's supposed to help me with my self-esteem...
So I'm going to work really hard this week to just let H go, no phone calls, no e-mails, no faxes, no seeing him. It's going to be hard, and I know it will help - both of us. He told me yesterday that it was when I went to Vegas by myself that he had decided to give us another chance, that it was not being around me and also not being "questioned." Even though I suspected that that was the case, he now has confirmed it. I just need to get myself mentally back to that place so that I can focus on giving us both space and give him the chance to miss me again...
Well, gotta run for now. I'll check in later. Thanks again for your encouragement and advice. I'M GOING TO DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wanted to mention that I talked with my counselor today about the "spoiled brat" syndrome you mentioned. In speaking with her about this and my life, she said with me she doesn't think it's so much of the spoiled brat as it is just a scared, desperate little girl. Thus, we talked about what I mentioned in my previous post. So thanks for bringing that up so that we could talk about it. It really helped...
Well the scared little girl makes sense. Especially when you had great parents who sheltered you from everything like most middle class families do. Thanks for sharing this info with us. It's funny that Virginia brought that up because like I said I even mentioned it to my father one day on the phone, that I was so used to always getting my way all of my life that couldn't believe this was happening to me. The only other time of my life I didn't have control was when my mother died, which was very difficult of course also.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I believe that "where the head goes, the heart will follow." When you are intellectually convinced of something, keep harping on it and eventually you might find yourself feeling better. Also remember that immediate "gratification" via hugs you have to ask for, constant verbal reassurances, etc. actually Decreases the likelihood that you'll ultimately get genuine hugs/reassurance in the future. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks, 25. Glad you made it back to my thread. What you say about the heart following the mind makes sense. I will keep concentrating on what I know needs to be done, and hopefully internally I would be able to follow my mind as I continue to work through this. It also makes sense about what you're saying regarding the genuine hugs and affection. Thank you for pointing that out.
Question: I feel horrible about yesterday and feel very un-empowered right now. I feel like I need to "set the stage" better for my move home and put H back in the "hot seat" again of knowing that I am taking some time away to think. I did tell him this yesterday, but that was before the huge backslides that followed yesterday. I'm just not feeling very good about leaving things on that note. I did apologize this morning. Do you think that is enough, or should I let him know that I am really needing some time to think about what's going on? I just want to give this the best chance, and I know he said Vegas helped clear his mind. I just don't feel like I gave myself the same "push off" now as I did with Vegas. Thought???
