I posted this in separated so forgive me for posting it here also but I got little response and I really think the MLC forum is where I belong because my husband is certainly a alien!!
Here's my story..... I posted to this site last summer after my husband dropped the bomb - the ole I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore. After that I DB'd my butt off and just gave him lots of space. He seemed to come and go with his emotions. Christmas we seemed to be doing just great. January he seemed to pull away. February he up and left taking very little with him. For the first two months he would only text me and all he would say about us was that he was still having the same issues. I did see him last week as one of our dogs(his dog actually) was very sick and he came to visit her 3 times. I was as kind as I could be and really deserved an academy award for how I acted! I didn't ask any relationship ?'s, I didn't ask where he is living, and he didn't offer. As far as I was concerned we were there for the dog and nothing more.
So, here we are a week later and I just found out he is living in an apartment with another woman. Now it ALL makes sense!!!
Now with all that said, let me tell you that I have lost 53 lbs since the summer. I am doing new and exciting things and I have gotten myself into the best mental spot I can be. God has worked miracles in me and has given me the ability to see that I will be okay no matter what. But as each of you know, each day is a struggle. The loneliness is unreal. Easter with his seat empty was torture. This really feels like a death in the family.
Did I mention that he hasn't changed his deposit going into our account so is still paying all the bills, etc.
Anyone got any insight into what the heck he is thinking? Is it too late? Do I hire a PI and get proof of the affair?
Okay, that's enough rambling. Thanks for any thoughts.
1. Go read everything you can find at the top of the mlc forum basics of mlc
2. Look for books on mlc. Read them all
3. Give yourself a trophy for already doing the things that most find the most difficult. Continue focusing on yourself. Live your life. Do not think about any OW. They are out there when there is mlc, and they can sniff out the lost ones.
4. Keep updating and sharing knowledge with others. It will empower you to endure this.
You are at the right spot. I'm sorry no one caught your thread before. There are so many threads, it is easy to look at threads that have activity in the last 24 hours. There are so many, and, you'll see, many have similarities. My advice about the PI, is don't bother with the PI. If you feel it so intuitively, it's probably so. Save your money. And take some time to get used to the idea. If you think your H sounds like he is in a crisis of some sort, and this is a 180 for him, it is totally likely. I hate to say that, but, it's so true. I think there are more posters here with other person involved.
Like you, my H started being more distant. He denied an affair, for many months, but, I found proof. Once confronted, he had to acknowledge it. It drove me crazy, I drove all over looking for them, I was going crazy. Once I knew, OW H kept calling me to check on where my H had been... which occurred frequently, making it difficult for me to drop it, as hard as I tried.
H sort of stopped contact with OW for many months, (I think.. supposedly each working on their M), till I believe OW called and told him she had filed. At that point, he moved to our guest bedroom. He just came in late to sleep and left early, during the week. He wouldn't tell me if he'd be home or not. Like between Christmas and New Years, he just wouldn't come ome. After about 10 mo I tried asking him to go to dinner. He said no. So I asked the next night, and he said no, but he'd come home that evening early. I asked where this was headed, he thought about it overnight, and decided it was out of my life, and into OW house. That was Aug 04. This summer will be our 20th Anniversary. (It started at 15 years... like you). I believe the EA had begun before 1/2003, and PA shortly after. OW bought a brand new condo... they live in it. I don't know what kind of monitary arrangements they have. Hopefully he wasn't stupid enough to co-sign anything. But, I don't know if he has or not. And, I hate to waste my hard earned money paying a PI or lawyer to find out. That is one of those things that I'm not ready to face, even if he did cosign.
He rarely talks to me (phone or in person) other than if he really needs something (like signature on the tax forms). I see him about 2x a year. He does infrequently IM. He didn't take much with him, but did come back a couple times, and fill his truck up with clothes, sports equipment, some tools, who knows what else.
H still pays the same portion of the bills for our mortage home bills. I don't know if that is because he sees our house as his retirement investment, or if he cares that I'm ok. When I have problems, he won't help, other than he paid an home insurance bill, and did pay for lawn mowing for half the year last year. I'd mowed it the first half. I also found a very cheap guy to mow it. In fact, sometimes He won't even tell me who to call (like the chimney sweep). So, that kind of makes me think it's the investment that he cares about.
I can only share my experience. I don't really have much advice, because I'm still here. Other than the fact that you're younger (me 50 H slightly younger) your situation sounds similar. Holidays are the loneliest. I couldn't stand to be at home the first 2 years. I spent a lot of money on doing things to keep me out of the house. I'm getting very tired of having to deal with all that goes with homeownership by myself. As much as I love our house, I love it because it was something we did. If we are not going to be together, I would like to sell it, so I didn't have to live with the memories. And, I would hate to think of OW moving in with him here.
So, what I do, is hope, and read others experiences, looking for glimpses of hope. Try to check out Yellowrose. Her situation has turned around. I think another is something like Frizzle or Frazzle.
I have no idea what H is thinking. Certainly, his leaving and especially going to this OW, is not at all like him. (just like so many here say... they do a total 180 of their morals, likes/dislikes, dreams, ethics, etc. They are not the person we knew, at all. So, we can't figure out what is going on in their heads or hearts). I've seen enough posts that WAH have been much more 'undecided' than we see and feel. And that when it looks the worst for us, and we start giving up, they may actually be thinking about us, and trying to figure out if and how they can come back to LBS. Others also indicate that WAH go into serious withdrawal before the come back. So, I try to tell myself that this could be what's happening.
I'm not sure I can give advice, and I hope others stop by to give better advice. It seems that my H likes the path of least resistance. It seems easier for him to stay away, and do nothing remotely personal. Although, just when I feel like I've totally lost him, he'll do something. It might be like my last anniversary, he sent a txt on my phone, saying 'I'm sad tonight to, sorry'. Sometimes I get a Merry Christmas. I got flowers on my 50th bday last year. No name on the card. He has never admitted it was him. But, that's about it for the good stuff. Most other stuff is not promising. But, he hasn't filed for D. He doesn't seem to be angry with me any more. I have not bothered him, don't drive by his house, don't call his #, don't call OW. Pretty much just leave them alone, and hope I don't run into them together, or her. I'd love to run into H, so of course that doesn't happen. :-)
I hope you can at least feel that you're not alone. Many others are in the same or very similar situation. There are very few post where at least one piece of what someone is going through,isn't similar to mine. It seems that most here have kids. (I cannot imagine men/women walking out on them). But, they also have a reason for contact. I noticed you don't have kids. I don't either. Karen58 doesn't either. She is like me, in a holding pattern, and has been for some time.
Sorry for the rambling. I didn't want you to feel alone again and give up. Sometimes it gets depressing here, but, every so often, there is good news too. And we need that! It keeps me going. I'm getting so that I come here less. I need a brake sometimes, which I think is good, because sometimes I need to stop focusing on H. He's always in my head anyway, even without being here. I'm sure your's is too!
Okay, someone send me some encouragement for today. Today I am finally just plain pissed off. Of course, it does no good but I need to vent. How can these normal sound minded people(meaning my husband) turn so stupid? My Dad has had an accident at work and 3000 lbs landed on his hand, he is in surgery now to have his pinky amputated. I know, he is very lucky and all that. I thank God he is okay. But can someone tell me why I have to be the grown up and deal with all this crap and he gets the easy road and a girlfriend to come home to. Okay, I am done. Back to the hospital with a big smile and my PMA. Heck, I think my H has the right idea....just run and hide from all this sounds really good right now : )
DSH, How is your dad? That is a horiffic accident. So sorry you are going through this too. Just when you didn't need more emotional turmoil. At a time you'd like someone to lean on, they're not there. I hope your dad's hand heals, and that they give him some good drugs for any pain.
H and I had an arguement one night on our way to my dad's house. (long trip). It was a terrible arguement. That night, my dad had a heart attack. Thank God, we were there. H got Dad to hospital, (Dad wouldn't go just because I or his wife told him to). H stayed till the next day, went back home (5 hr drive). He came back for one day for open heart surgery a couple weeks later. I rode home with him to pick my car up and come drive back. On that ride home, I noticed he didn't speak to me or touch me, or let me touch him, for the entire 5 hour ride. He would have usually laid his hand on my leg on and off. When I asked about it, he said he didn't feel like it. When I got back, home a couple weeks later, he said we would no longer be physical. I needed support, because of my dad's situation, and got exacty what your H is giving you in the way of support... none. No sympathy, no empathy, no shoulder to cry on, nothing!... even less than nothing. They cost us emotions, instead of supporting us.
This seems very typical on this board. Look at it as confirmation of a personal crisis in them. But, look at it this way, you don't have to worry about making sure he has dinner, or a clean shirt. You can take care of you, and your dad.
On the bright side, did you ever notice old people that have had tragedy in their lives, the little things that happen each day that tick us off, don't bother them? That will be us. After going through this, we have to learn so much patience, and the ability to not say what we think, the minute we say it, waiting till we are calmer. I bet you didn't think there was a bright side to this. Well, if there is one, this is the only one I've found.
Sorry,I have no answer for why they get to play, and we have to deal with it all. Have found no answer for that anywhere.
D, Read up on my threads...very similar sitch. My H still has not taken anything out of the house, however he has gotten much WORSE since he left...we have been sep. 4 months and he has a younger OW...H basically lives with her except when he has the kids...
As far as a PI...don't bother...My L said as long as they admit it that is proof enough (at least in my state)
H did file for D and we go to court in June. H is out of his mind, the things he is doing are so out of character...anyway read up on my posts and the great advice I was given!
Thanks guys. My Dad is doing okay, he is home and on good drugs! His last comment before surgery was "hey, don't buy me gloves for Christmas this year". He will be fine : )
As for the H and the OW. He has NO clue that I know about her and I can guarantee he will deny it if confronted. I am choosing to not confront him but I will speak with an attorney and see if I should get the proof to hold onto just in case this gets ugly.
My hubby occasionally sends me picture messages on my cell phone of random things like my favorite NASCAR driver was here locally a week or so ago and he sent me a video of him with a note that said "your hero is in town today." So I know he thinks of me but come on how crazy can you be. Don't worry guys I just replied, "that's cool". Little does he know I haven't turned the TV on since he left and couldn't tell you anything about what the NASCAR world is doing. Having the TV on makes me cringe because it's like he is home...because the TV was always on when he was home.
Okay, she's babbling again can you tell I REALLY miss someone to share each day with. Oh well, will go talk to the dogs some more at least they know how to love unconditionally back!
Oh boy, you sound so much like me! I no longer watch TV either...can't sit still or the mind wanders where it shouldn't. It took weeks for my H to admit to OW...H is still not admitting he lives with her but unless he is living in the back of his car he has not been living at his mothers like he is supposed to.
I think my L said if you get verbal confirmation or a picture using your cell phone it counts as proof. PI's are very expensive and what information do you need and why?? Is this going to help you divide assets or is it curiousity...Believe me you do not want to know the details!!
