Sadly, it's time to file

[MonicaP]

Thank you 25yrsmlc and Running...your feedback is MUCH APPRECIATED!

The only community property we have is a car which I have always used. I filed Bankruptcy (Chpt 7) and was discharged last month. I re-affirmed the car. H has another car and deals with that and other finances himself. We had a joint personal loan from the bank, but that's on him now because of my bankruptcy. I warned him about it first and he seems to be ok with it. I don't think he's paying it, but that's his problem.

We have our S4.5 whom I (unofficially) have full physical custody. H has scaled down his visits to 1 evening and Sundays. That's all he seems to want or can handle at this time. I have suggested many times that he try a sleepover, but he denies having enough space in his studio. Personally I believe it would (a) interfere with his Goth lifestyle w/ Ow and/or (b) he lives w/ Ow and doesn't want to be found out.

As 25rysmlc said, I want to file for LS first as a "last ditch effort" to prolong what *could be* inevitable. While it is doubtful H will snap out of his QLC and want to save our M afterall (what a dream!), at least I will feel as if I gave it every chance. I believe if I went straight for D that would seal the deal.

My plan is to go - May 9th - to the Self Service Center at Family Court for their free legal advice and help. My understanding is they help you complete the necessary paperwork which then can be filed same day. I've done a lot of reading of the forms and info so I think I understand the basics. I've also talked with various people, including you guys, about it. My plan is to file for full physical custody with visitation and joint legal custody. The only snag that I haven't checked out is the fact that my H is legal resident due to our marriage. I am considered his legal "sponsor" for 10 years (it's only been 7). I'm not too worried because I'm not asking H for alimony and he seems (at least as much as he can) intent on giving money for child support.

LS feels right. I just don't think I'm ready for the full D yet. I have been experiencing a lot more grieving lately with just the thought of it all, but I know it's time. I need the legal protection and sense of moving forward.

I will definitely look into the option to send a letter to H in lieu of a process server, that would be great. I want to avoid as much of the ugliness of this process as I can.

The thing that I am dealing with the most right now, beside the loss, is the major ANGER I feel. Thank God for therapy!

Also, this is weird, but my mom told me that my aunt and cousin who live in another state took it upon themselves to find H's My Space and saw his whole Goth thing and pic's of Ow. THe only good thing that came of that was that my mom (who looked in curiousity and I've since had a discussion about my invasion of privacy) said that the Ow is very "homely" - eyes too close together, big nose, large mouth..etc.

I felt the need to inform my H that my family (left out my mom) looked at his site. He said he didn't have anything to be ashamed of (LOL!)and asked me what I heard. I told him I asked my family not to tell me anything because I don't want to know, it's not my business, it's his life, etc. I wish I had thought to say "I prefer to remember you the way I knew you". Ah well. He said he really appreciated that I told him about my family, it meant a lot he said. Whatever!

Then...later..he finished reading S bedtime story and I was still eating (late) dinner. I asked him to read one more story and he said he had to go. Jerk! It was 8pm. I had already agreed to switch from Sun to Sat and that's the thanks I get. He muttered something like "couldn't you have waited 5 min's to start your dinner" and I said "don't even start". He has no clue that after he leaves at 8pm I am up til 9pm or so helping S really fall asleep - particularly after exciting visits with daddy. Ugh. When will this ever end!?

I have been considering writing a good long letter to H about my thoughts/feelings about all of this - including my belief that he has lied to me about some things (like trip out of the country for family illness), about what S is really going through, etc. It's not DB'ing I guess, but I just feel like H is so in the dark! I don't want to help him stay there, you know?

Again, thanks for your help!

[MCWaterDog]

Monica,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Here are my thoughts.

It doesn't sound like H is doing much for S these days. I suggest you consider requesting 100% physical AND legal custody. H has checked out of your marriage and removed himself as a decision-maker as to S and you should confirm that legally.

Don't write H a long letter. That would be a waste of time. Instead, consider preparing a short list of the things S needs from H going forward. As part of the list, you can explain what S is going through, because it is important for H to know that. But as for your thoughts and feelings about all this, who cares? You, but definitely not H. So, save all that for this board, your therapist, and the one or two close friends you know you can count on.

Reaching back to one of your earlier questions, I agree that when it comes time to file something (legal separation or dissolution) you should be the one to file and that you should file first and then tell H you did it so he knows the papers are coming. You can soften the situation by asking him how he'd like to receive the papers (just make sure you legally serve him one way or another).

But, BEFORE you do any of these things, please talk to an attorney! Don't just rely on the Self Service Center to get you through this mess. At the very least, for your sake and for S's sake, spend a little money to talk to an attorney first.

There may not be much (or any!) money or property to divide from your marriage, but S is priceless and it's worth it to part with a few hundred bucks now to get some competent advice about the following:

(1) Legal separation vs. marriage dissolution as the initial move;

(2) How various choices may affect your H's future ability to retain residency in the US;

(3) Steps you should take now to protect yourself and S against problems, allegations, and threats that may crop up during the divorce case and afterwards; and

(4) Things you can do to minimize the stress on S.

I'm sure you have a friend or two who can recommend a family law attorney, so start asking around. There could be many things you haven't even thought of, and if you don't deal with them now, they could come back to haunt you later, years later.

[MonicaP]

Thanks MCWD.

I appreciate the thoughtful advice. You're not the first person to recommend seeing an attorney, I guess you can't ALL be wrong :-) I just don't have much money and am trying to avoid getting hooked into lawyer fees.

Well, I have a lot of research and planning to do. I've heard mixed feedback about whether to file for joint or full legal custody and there's an argument for everything. I think it's going to boil down to what I think is best for my S with the least push-back from H.

I think you're right about the letter, H would just find a way to twist it so he could continue to blame me for all of HIS problems.

Thanks again for your support.