I need some advice today. I still have not heard back from her, which seems kind of stranage. Today is our 'aniversary', and last weekend she said she would like to do something during the day. But she also said that she would call me on Thursday, and nothing yet. Should I call her? Or txt her? Its very frustrating. Please help.
Update: I am really struggling this past weekend, and need some honest advice. Last weekend was so fun, one of the best in a very long time. Even during the week was great. She called me, told me that she loved me, and wrote me cute text messages every morning ect... Then something has changed, and I’m not sure what to do or what it was. We had made plans for yesterday during the day, so when I hadn’t heard from her since Wed night (she called and told me she loved me), I shot her a text asking if we were still on for today (Sat). She said that she had to work in the morning then was going to that party. I wasn’t too upset, just kind of sad since it was our anniversary, but didn’t let her know it. So I wrote her back, no biggie, lets go to that poetry slam on Sunday. I was also going to give her those books too. That is where we had a blast, and she said she wanted to make it a regular thing with me, and said she wouldn’t have wanted to do it with anyone else. She hasn’t text me back or even called, I feel really hurt and burned by her. I feel like I’m just convenient for her. I was the one to initiate the contact and she said she was happy I did, but now I just feel blown off. When we separated, I had taken everything down, including some paintings she did for me, and after last weekend I started to put a few back up. I just want to jump off this f’n rollercoaster. How can we go to making some serious headway to nothing again? I was afraid of this, and it makes me question just letting her go for good. I feel that everyday that goes by with nothing happening, its day I could be trying to forget about her and find someone else that can make me happy. For those who have reunited, was it better the second time around? If it was, then I will consider keeping on track, but I’m just really sad and hurt. When we first met, I knew she was the one and still don’t question it today, but I feel that it might just be easier starting over with someone else and moving out of this city for good. When she did talk about R, she would say that she just needs more time and wants to make sure its right. Which I acknowledged, but now since things have seemed to change again, I began to wonder this, ‘If she’s not ready now, she might never be ready.’ I mean realistically, how long can I wait??? Part of me just feels like giving up, but then I see the steps we made in one week and I feel encouraged. I’m not sure if it was due to it being our anniversary or not, I just need some guidance. I haven’t cried myself to sleep for a couple months and that’s all that I have been doing these past couple nights. I just feel useless and like quitting. What I really want to do, is in the middle of the night tonight go and put those stupid books on her doorstep! I guess I’m also sad because today was pretty much the only day we could have seen each other for about the rest of the month. She is going out of town next weekend, the following I have some friends in town, then the last I’m on vacation. What should I do?? I hate that she has this power over me, and that when I walk down the street every women I see is her, but I’m nowhere to be. Please help I really need it.
It's a roller coaster at the best of times. Maybe she is feeling pressured by you, you seem to be a little "needy" and she probably senses that.
You say she has "power over you" - NO SHE DOESN'T you are allowing her to have that power. It's YOUR power, not hers. And as soon as you step up to the plate and take it back, she will think you are clinging to her. Let it go, take it one day at a time and stop expecting it to be "fixed" over night.
It took a long time to get to where it is - if you don't do it right, you won't have the opportunity to make it better. Don't rush it
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Thanks Heywyre. I guess after last week I was just excited about us again, a feeling I haven't felt in a long time. After she told me pretty much everything I wanted to hear some of my walls that I have built have come down. I think I'm just going to take the rest of this month and re-evaluate my life in general. If I should be fighting this hard, if I really want to stay in this city, and what kind of person I want to be with.
Obliviously, the last is going to be the hardest for me. Not too long ago it was an easy choice, all I had to do was think of her and that’s what I wanted, but I'm tired. The only thing in my life that is missing is happiness now, and I know she can give that too me, that is if she wants too. She gave that too me for a long time, and now it seems like she isn’t intentionally. I'm not a big believer in Karma or anything, but I just feel that I do so much for her, and she hasn't given me much back in a long while.
I was privileged today that I got to hear the Dali Lama speak. Needless to say my problems seem small compared with how he is. Its amazing how happy he can be, with all that he has been through. I thought that seeing and listening to him would make me feel better, but it only made me feel worse. Not about what he said or anything. But because I saw this friend of mine, who has been dating this guy for a couple years. My gf and I introduced them, well they told me today that they are engaged. I am excited for them, but it also broke my heart. As I sat there listening, I was looking around and saw all these young couples so much in love and some with children. A big part of me wants that. My mother has been suffering with breast cancer, and I’m not sure if that has been a reason in my life to always live everyday to the fullest or not. She was a young mom, which was great because I got to be extremely close with my grandparents as well. But with how my life is now, I know I’m not living it the way I should be, and that kills me. Why won’t she just show me the respect that I have always shown her. I feel that for everything I have done for her, there are so many that would love to have someone like me, but I don’t want them, I want her. Please have me in your thoughts the next couple weeks, thank you.
You can't rely on someone else to make you happy. You have to be happy with yourself and then if you find someone to share it with, all the better.
You have a lot of personal things going on in your life and you are confusing the emotion with the logic - which is common. But, like I said, you have to take care of YOU. By expecting someone else to see what you see, do what you do, feel what you feel, all you are doing is expecting someone to be a clone of you. Is that what you really want in a R? Don't you want someone that is special, someone unique, two people that can compliment each others strengths?
Finding that special someone is not them being a duplicate of YOU, and them doing everything YOU want them to. It is appreciating that other person for their differences and what they have to offer
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I agree with you. I don’t want a complete clone of me at all, and she isn’t. She is very much a free spirit and I’m more by the book. We always used to tell each other that we had the best of both worlds. I could look at things through her eyes and her’s though mine, its great. I just wish that we were on the same page about the R. I still haven’t heard from her, and not sure if I will. I think I’m just going to detach myself from her and let her make the next move, if there is one. Do you think it is wise to leave this in her court? Or should I continue to be the one trying to save us? I’m really torn here, what she was saying last week and how she was acting, it was an easy choice, I need to try to save it. But it worry’s me that she can slip back into her old ways so quickly, since I didn’t see anything I did differently from last Sunday til now. What do you think I need to do? Do you have any references on detachment? Is detachment the same as going dark? I don’t think going dark is the right thing to do here, so knowing the difference would be great. Thank you so much for listening.
In one breath you say she is a free spirit and you are more by the book, then you say you want to be on the same page. Well, how can you? Yes, you used to tell each other things but that R is gone, accept that. If you are going to get back together it will be a new R. You can't have the old one back. Why? Because it didn't work - otherwise you would still be together.
There is nothing wrong with calling her to see how her weekend went but I would leave it up to her to suggest anymore getting together. She has to make some effort in this too.
Why you would want to throw in the towel and detach now is beyond me. Do you know how many people on these boards would give anything to have even one tenth of what you do?
Give it some time and stop planning out her life and yours - maybe that was part of the problem with your R right from the start. If she is such a free spirit, perhaps you are restricting her too much. Let it go.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I guess when I say same page, I mean that she told me she wants it to work, but takes no steps (at least from what I can see), to prove that to me. I love that she is a free spirit, together we are so diverse it makes everyday more interesting with the things we can share together.
I’m going to take some time to call her or anything, I feel really burned right now by her and am bitter for sticking my neck out there and I feel like she threw the situation in my face.
I’m really not trying to minimize others situations, I hope everyone has success in all the aspects of there lives. I guess I would detach because I’m tired of hearing one thing and seeing another. I want to see if she is serious enough to take the offensive in this R, because down the road there may be a time where she needs to. Also before when I let her go, I saw positive results, I don’t know if I’m looking for the same result or not, I just need a mental health break. Do you think it would be wise to step out of the situation for the rest of the month? Or should I continue to try for butterfly effects? What would you do? Was it better the second time around for you?
I think you and I have MUCH different situations so we can't really compare.
As for her not taking the steps, that is YOUR opinion, not hers. Maybe she feels she is going to fast, maybe she thinks she is doing the right thing. She might be thinking the same thing that you are "he's not doing what I would expect". You can't read someone else's mind. You have to do what is right for YOU and accommodate the other person. I think, based on what has happened over the past couple of weeks, you should make a point of getting together with her to discuss where your R is going and how to get there. If it means going for C (which she agreed to) then arrange for it ASAP if she is okay with that. Perhaps that would be the best first step and they could give you some guidelines from there
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Maybe you are right. I don’t really want this to end like this. I was thinking last nigh, that if this is what she needs right now, space, for her to be happy from now on, then I will give it to her. Even when we talked the other weekend, she didn’t say anything or act anyway that would make me feel that separating was the right choice, in fact it was the opposite. I guess I’m always the kind of person who expects the worse case scenario, I need to kick that feeling bad. I just need to look in myself and honestly evaluate how long I can give her. I do believe that she will come around, considering she told me she does want this work but just needs more time and wants it to be right when we do, I guess I just have to practice patience. But I do not want to be waiting on her, then have her say, ‘Oh I don’t think its right.’ I guess patience is the name of the game, and patience has always been my worst sport.
Do you think I should find a C, then just call her and say something like, ‘I know you mentioned this before and if you are still willing I have found such & such, just let me know what day works for you.’ Is there anything else I should be doing? I feel like I should show her I do care about her, even though I feel really burned by her right now. Is it possible she did this to test how committed I am to her? Such as, ‘We had an amazing time, and he said that he wants this to work, but I want to test him to see if he honestly means it.’? What do you think? Its hard for me to ignore my gut when I say, ‘I’m just going to let it be’ when my gut is telling me no, you have to fight for it. I’m so torn right now. Sorry if I came off as rude or anything the last couple posts, I was just having a really hard couple days.
