Looong story - please at least skim it. I need support BAD!!!!
The short story:
We have been together for 16 years - lived together, common-law, then finally married for 1.5 years. This is my second marriage, her first. My first wife left me for someone else. Of course, I never, ever thought my second wife would do the same....
This is the worst thing - the OM is two blocks away, at the top of the street!! I really have to go out of my way to get out of the neighborhood without seeing her car there! That hurts so bad I can't even describe it.
The long version- I'll start with current sitch, and work backwards:
Bomb dropped on Feb 18th. OM confirmed same day. Got the "I don't love you anymore," "I met someone else," "It was an accident." "We met on the bus." "We are both unhappy, and we both know it." She said we should have split up way back when we first started living together. She has felt this way for over a year. She hasn't felt like having sex with me for a long time. She is already more at ease with him than she ever was with me.
She moved into an apartment. She wanted to get divorce that week with no attorneys, etc. just sign and notarize with no argument. I balked. She filed, then agreed to wait one month before submitting final paperwork. Time is up this Friday, the 13th! I don't know if it's better to give in, or stand my ground. I filed a reply to the divorce stating that I felt it wasn't "irretrievably broken," and that we should get counseling. She went ballistic! (see my post in the Newcomer's forum: No-Fault Divorce ) W has agreed to 1 counceling session (insisted even on it being 1/2 hour!), if and only if, I sign the paperwork so she won't need to get a lawyer and go to court (we are in a no-fault divorce state).
She gets very agitated at the idea of hiring a lawyer, but she works in a law firm. I fear they'll end up representing her for free! She makes little money, and I have agreed to help her financially, and have been giving her money.
In fact, she had problems with her apartment, which is a slum, and when she complained, they tried to evict her, so she's moving again already and it's going to cost more money.
I was doing ALL the wrong stuff right up until last Friday - begging, crying, pleading. Even, I hate to say it, a dramatic suicidal threat.
I even confronted the OM personally (just introduced myself :), since he was using my wife's car to jump-start his, and my parents saw that and were mighty curious. Things were better with W, she agreed to go to lunch with me, but then I snooped into her email account, where I learned even more painful details of the affair. I sent him some emails explaining my take on the situation. He, of course, immediately showed her - with the expected fireworks, including threats of restraining orders, etc.
Funny thing is, years ago, she read my email when I almost had an affair, and she threatened to kill herself because she had nowhere to go, no family, etc. and I stayed. Reminding her of this didn't make her see my invasion of her privacy any differently.
We had the sex-starved-marriage for quite some-time - very little contact for many years. We each have different idea of why that was, but I'll leave that for now. She was very inexperienced. She thinks I stayed with her for years out of pity (she had no family, and had put on a lot of weight). I had gotten quite out of shape myself, and got diabetes. For my health, I started losing weight. Then she lost weight, surpassing me, looking great! When I started showing her more affection, it actually made her resent me more, because it confirmed to her that I didn't find her attractive before. Then along comes New Guy, shows a little affection, and she runs into his arms.
The thing is, she's right - we weren't happy. I used to fantasize about leaving. We would fight, I'd yell, she'd withdraw, then it would seem to blow over. I would think we needed counseling for our communication and sexual difficulties, but didn't know where to turn. I had been through a 1 visit counseling fiasco with my first wife where after 5 minutes the shrinks said to me, with my wife there, "well, she's leaving, how are you going to deal with it?" I didn't know there the kind of resources that are available, like Divorce Busters, Family Dynamics New Beginning seminars, etc.
To top it off, I've been off of work being treated for depression. Makes it hard to GAL and not look pathetic!
I realized the subject of my post might sound pretty pathetic, and now it's too late to change it - I know there are people for whom the OP might be a former friend or even relative, so their situation would indeed be worse.
I just meant that I have to see her car parked at OM's place whenever I leave my house.
My own nephew spent the last year or two with the mother of his child being involved with one of his former good friends. He endured all that and it looks like they are getting back togehter (now if only they'd get properly married!).
I am terrible at giving advice to others since I am a newcomer myself and pretty much struggling most of the time, but I just wanted to offer you some support. There are some very wise people on this board and I hope you find some answers here.
Me: 29 H: 30 Together: 12 years Married: 1.5 years No kids Bomb: November 29, 2006 Separated: December 8, 2006 OW: 22 year old Swedish blond - I'm not even joking!
Well, not much GAL activity this weekend. Didn't leave the house, as a matter of fact. I'm so worried because I've actually off work as part of my treatment for depression, but I don't yet know if the claim will be approved, so I could find myself out of vacation days in a hurry! Or worse!!! My biggest problem now is that I cannot sleep at night. I think I'll have to re-think my Dr.'s offer to give me some of those new sleeping pills that are supposedly non-addictive. I already have so many meds that I hate having any more.
I am taking care of our cat while she gets moved into her second apartment in 2 months (see previous post for the great apartment disaster). He needs meds twice a day, too! We're a great pair!
I wonder if there's any chance the roof will cave in at her new place before she tries to get me to notarize divorce papers again?! :-}
