I can't stand anymore

[kathleenannmari]

I think standing or not standing for your marriage is your choice..... PERIOD. The reason the success rate for MLC's marriages is so low is because the LBS decides to move on.

I do know this though. You have to be emotionally healthy to enter into another relationship. It is only fair to you and the other person. The rebound relationship is not a real relationship. It is based only on relieving your pain. Only you know what is going on with you.

There are so many things to consider: your children, your future, how you feel about your spouse, what you can and cannot accept, your pain tolerance, your belief system, your morality, your finances, your sex life, your committment level, what God's plan is for you, etc.....
I cannot determine this.

I've thought about dating. I'm lonely too. To be absolutely honest with everyone. I did have one date. It felt wrong for me. I did not like myself. I was not ready. My trust level was zero. I felt like I was committing adultery. My pain did not go away, it actually increased. Maybe this is what you have to find out.

Whatever you do, or don't do, I wish you success. No one deserves what we have gone through and continue to go through. Life is not always fair and suffering is a part of life.
God Bless

[Grace_O]

HM,

MMF and BND made some very good points that are very well put and I think they should be carefully considered.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Half on this I will say this,

Only an oportunistic man would take advantage of your situation.
Regardless of how you feel for him, I hold him in no high regard.

[Mickey]

These words are the truth that you should consider in making your decision. Jack is right. The best advice today...for any of us.

[HalfMissing]

brandnewday, I know I do not love my friend. That is why I used the word infatuated. However, I feel that in time I could easily love him and have a fulfilling relationship with him. We both agreed to both be friends and not let our relationship go to the next level until I am divorced. Yes, right now he makes me feel better about myself. I don't know why that necessitates that we could never have a more complete relationship in the future. I have known him for 16 years and already had a friendship with him. When I talk about feeling so compatible with him that is something that I always felt. It is not a new feeling that was caused by my mini-MLC.

I don't understand what you mean by sweeping the crap under the rug and all that. Are you of the opinion that my H left because of problems in our relationship? Yes, no relationship is perfect. I know that I was too interdependent on him. (The name I picked showed that.) Are you saying that I need to work on my own independence and improving myself as a person? I have been and will continue to do that. How can you say that I have not made any personal changes or plan to?

Yes, I know I love my husband and always will. I am not moving on to this person right now, but I am not going to fight a D if my H files one. I am not going to use all of my energy trying to get H back.

I am sad that you feel that I have "to explain to my children why I am following this path." I do feel guilty about feeling this way and not doing everything I could do to try to get their father back. I just don't think that is reality in my case because I don't think I have the strength to do it as many have. I can't do this for years.

missmyfriend, it is true that my friend misses his wife, but he has had other relationships since then. His talk about marriage in the future was to show that he did not want some casual fling and viewed me as someone who he could eventually want to marry. If he was trying to take advantage of the situation he could have. I think he has done the right thing by telling me how he feels and then backing up and waiting for me to be divorced.

[brandnewday]

HalfMissing,

First of all this is an open forum and as we are all entitled to our own opinions I have chosen to respond to your rather provocative post.

I have known him for 16 years and already had a friendship with him.

Yes, that is also a typical response of many of the WAS's on this forum. My own Husband also was back in touch with a former friend who he had known in high school so he too could use the excuse that he had known her for over 20 years.

I don't understand what you mean by sweeping the crap under the rug and all that. Are you of the opinion that my H left because of problems in our relationship?

Yes you are sweeping your crap under the rug. You are NOT dealing with the problem by jumping into a relationship with someone else. I do not know why your Husband left you but I can tell you that you were also a part of the demise of your marriage.

Yes, I know I love my husband and always will. I am not moving on to this person right now, but I am not going to fight a D if my H files one. I am not going to use all of my energy trying to get H back.

This is your choice alone to make. Nobody here is judging you for moving on and not fighting for your marriage. The issue is the other person and the new relationship you are planning.

Are you saying that I need to work on my own independence and improving myself as a person?

I do not know you to make that statement BUT if it was on the forefront of your mind then perhaps you have a problem in that area. Perhaps getting to know yourself before jumping into a new relationship might be best for you. Are you a co-dependant person? Have you ever been alone? Are you afraid to be alone?

I am sad that you feel that I have "to explain to my children why I am following this path." I do feel guilty about feeling this way and not doing everything I could do to try to get their father back.

Again this is the choice you have made. If your Husband is truly in MLC it could in fact take years and if you have chosen not to wait for him that is also your choice. The fact that you are so quick to move on to someone else is the part that bothers me.

Your children are so young and I feel so sorry for them that you have not tried harder and are willing to force another man into their lives so quickly.

I feel bad that I can't stand for the sake of my children.

There is a difference between CAN'T and WON'T!!!

I think he has done the right thing by telling me how he feels and then backing up and waiting for me to be divorced.

Why do you believe this man has honorable intentions? The fact that neither of you has even waited for the ink to dry on the Divorce papers doesn't show much integrity. Has your Husband even filed for a Divorce yet? I guess you have already made up your mind and I am not going to try and get you to change your mind.

We have had many conversations and we are so compatible and want the same things in life. Today, he admitted his feelings to me and talked about wanting a deeper relationship with me and the possibility of getting married in the future some day. He said he can't take the risk of getting his heart broken and wants to just be friends until I have time to decide what I want to do. This man is so good and would be a great father to my children. I feel like I was spiraling in depression and he came and pulled me out of it.

Listen to yourself!!
You sound like a teenager. Your knight in shining armour riding a white horse has come to rescue you. Honestly I think you are being ridiculous.
Please take some time and rethink this lunacy just for the sake of your children.
Your Husband dropped the bomb 3 months ago and your children have had no time to heal.
You have had no time to heal.
Stop being so selfish and start thinking about them and how your choices will affect them.

[osu43130]

HM,
All I can tell you is that you have to take in all of the opinions that are given to you and choose what is best for you and your Children.

I think you should really listen to everyone here because you continually contradict yourself with your post and I think that is why BND is getting so frustrated. Either you are done or you are not done...That is a choice that YOU have to make.

Take care.

[HalfMissing]

brandnewday,
I am not back in touch with him, we have always worked together to one extent or another over the years. We had day to day contact throughout that time. Sometimes it was a chat in the hall, other times we would work together for hours a day on projects. That is not the same thing as knowing someone in high school.

I am not jumping into a relationship. I said I was going to wait until I was divorced. I am just not going to fight one and drag it out years. I am not going to have more than a friendship with him. I am not putting him in my children's lives. They are not going to meet him until after I am divorced IF we do start a dating relationship then. When I said he would be a great father, I was talking about the future if it ever came to marriage (like several years down the road). Is it bad to consider that a man could have a positive influence on your children as a stepparent. This man has been a great father to his two sons and I was thinking of how it could help my son one day.

The only choice I have made is not to stand for my marriage for years as others have. I know myself and I cannot do it. Not everyone can do it. I don't have the endless supply of patience and faith that it would take to wait years.

[osu43130]

By the way this is exactly what I am talking about.....

Yes, I know I love my husband and always will. I am not moving on to this person right now, but I am not going to fight a D if my H files one.

[HalfMissing]

I am sorry. Maybe I don't understand what is meant by the term "standing". I thought it meant that you delay the divorce as long as possible to give your spouse time to get through the MLC. I apologize if my ignorance of the term has inflamed this.