I'm not sure if this is where this post belongs , but the last time I posted this is where I did it. I've fully let go of my H, in hope of something better (by this I do not mean a relationship, I realize I am not ready, and it's not something that I want, I am in search of a better Emily)
Some of you may remember me, I've been around these forums for a little over a year. To those of you who helped. I am thankful.. very thankful, I couldn't have gotten through all of this without the support of this forum.
I feel as though a HUGE weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I haven't spoken to Kevin (XH) in 2 months. Last I heard he may have moved to New Mexico. I am moving on nicely, there are ups and downs .... but I've stayed fairly level.
I am unsure how to proceed, I want to be divorced, but I don't want to put the time and money into trying to locate Kevin in order to divorce him. (As I said I heard to moved to New Mexico, but I don't know if he's really moved or if he's visiting, and I don't have an address). I am currently doing nothing reguarding Kevin... nothing except the letting go and moving on that needs to happen in me.
Welcome back emily, It sounds like the time you took away from the boards has helped you to find some peace in your life. I don't really know what to tell you about the divorce but it is good to see you back.
ST
At the bar the Judge will not look us over for medals, degrees, or diplomas, but for scars. - Hugh B. Brown
Yes, in the past 4 months I've done the most "DBing" (not really DBing but just helping myself move on, and trying to better the relationship I do have with friends, family and of course my girls)
The girls are doing very well. Kiya is now almost 10 months old and she's been crawling and is now standing and trying to walk, up the steps and into everything. Felina (almost 3) is talking in almost full sentences and has made some new friends, and what a blessing she's potty trained. Her new friends include the boy that I babysit.... I took up babysitting for awhile to add some extra money to situation.
All in all I think that this is going to be a year... I have faith.
As for the divorce question - are you getting child support from him? Do you have a legal separation? If you do, then I guess divorce isn't such an issue - but if you're not legally separated, I'd be worried about whether you're protected from his debts, whether he's obligated to provide health insurance for the kids, etc. I recommend you get some legal advice to find out what your liabilities are. (For instance - if he doesn't pay his income taxes - will the government come after you?).
Doesn't he have family who would know where he is? Why would it be so hard to locate him? Unfortunately, it might get harder, not easier, to locate him in the future if he's still whacked out. Does he still work for the same company?
Not saying that you need to pursue divorce at this time - but I can't remember if you're legally separated, if you're not, you need to be for your own protection, given how whacked he is.
Now - on to the University of You. What are your plans, girl? Your dreams?
As for the divorce question - are you getting child support from him? I am supposed to be recieving support from him, but he hasn't paid since before Christmas (because he got fired from Schneider). He missed a conference with them, and was suppost to go to court for willfully disobeying an order of the court. But that's the last I heard of it. Do you have a legal separation? Not as far as I know, how is that done? If you do, then I guess divorce isn't such an issue - but if you're not legally separated, I'd be worried about whether you're protected from his debts, whether he's obligated to provide health insurance for the kids, etc. I recommend you get some legal advice to find out what your liabilities are. (For instance - if he doesn't pay his income taxes - will the government come after you?). I filed the taxes this year for him, so I know that no one will be coming after me. I am however now going to do what it takes to find out more about legal seperation, thanks Ellie)
Doesn't he have family who would know where he is? He is staying with his mother in NM. She lied directly to me about him being there. His sister is the one that told me he was out in NM (I assumed because I got some paperwork from him postmarked from NM). But she wasn't sure what the deal was, if he was visiting or if he had moved, etc. Why would it be so hard to locate him? Unfortunately, it might get harder, not easier, to locate him in the future if he's still whacked out. Does he still work for the same company? I sort of answered this one already.... he was fired.
Not saying that you need to pursue divorce at this time - but I can't remember if you're legally separated, if you're not, you need to be for your own protection, given how whacked he is.
Now - on to the University of You. What are your plans, girl? Your dreams? I am still working on my plans and dreams really. I am still doing my home schooling for the vet. assisant thing. I am babysitting currently, in search of an a actual job)
I actually had my first conversation EVER with my biological mother lastnight, so I am excited about that ( It might be a touch OT but it's exciting.)
I am hoping to get a cheap car with my tax return, so then I'll be able to get my license (sad that I don't have already, but at least I have my permit now).
I am a work in progress... and now that I am not totally focus on Kevin... and fixing our relationship (it was really poisonious to me) I can work on "fixing" myself.
Tomorrow April 12 would be "our" 4 year wedding anniversary, this has been a cause for some rocky spots this week. On Easter I found myself crying for no reason.... then I realized it wasn't for no reason, but the reason wasn't really Kevin.
I realized that I was crying for Kevin not because of him. I was crying because I got to watch the girls find eggs.. I got to see their eyes light up. I got to see things that he will probably never care about to see (not with these children anyway, I pray constantly that he will enjoy his new family in a way he never ours) I am sad for him, because he threw so much away, he has dug himself one hole after another.... all with the breakdown of our marriage. Now he's left PA (probably because he has three different courtc cases surrounding him at once).
I know I will be sad tomorrow, but I take comfort in the fact that I tried to stand the test of time, I was compassionate, and willing to work through the rough patches and work with him. I take comfort in the fact that though it's been hard, I have never abandoned this family. I have peace, I look at my girls and I have peace. I know what I am doing is right, I found the path I need to be on, now I just need to keep rolling...
Do you have any idea how different you sound from a year ago? The only thing I'd say is to make sure you follow up on the legal side of stuff. I'd hate to see him drag you and your girls down with him, and it sounds like that's where he's headed. Also, he owes your girls that support money. he might not have any, but you need to make sure the 'system' is looking out for you. (But while you are doing that, make sure you don't let it get you down and become about him. It sounds like you are past that, but I think it can be sneaky.)
It's hard to believe your little one is so old. It happens so fast.....
The mother thing sounds exciting. I don't think it is OT, it is part of who and what you are.
Do you have any idea how different you sound from a year ago?
I feel different... so I know I must sound different. I e-mailed a few divorce lawyers today. Tommorrow I plan to phone a few others.... to find one that will help me file the D, and insure that he is not "dragging" me down.
I totally agree that he owes the girls support money, but as I said he hasn't had a job, I've given them all the updated information that I have. But even when I had correct address and work information it took them 6 months or so to find them. If he jump states it looks dim. As I said he was supposed to go to court for "willfully disobeying an order of the court" over child support but that was the last thing I heard. Once I get this divorce underway I think everything else will fall into place.
I hate that my "baby" is so grown up already... almost a full year old. I keep saying she's not allowed to grow up anymore, I want her to stay a baby, but I know that won't happen.
Legal separation is little different from divorce, except that you're not divorced. If you plan on divorcing him, then do that - it will be less expensive than filing legal separation now and divorce later.
Do give the address in NM to the state office that is paying you aid- they deserve to be reimbursed for the money the state is paying to support hIS kids. When the tax refund comes it will be in both your names (if you filed jointly). How will you get him to sign it over to you? Do you still have an account with both names on it that you could deposit it into?
Incidentally, what did he get fired for? Drugs? Or just flakiness?
What happened to that high-strung girl we used to type our fingers off to?!
Emily, I am SO HAPPY to hear you sounding so good! I can hear the maturity you have gained through your ordeal and although it was hard won, you have turned it around for your good and the good of your daughters.
