New Thread ....Possibilities????

[Bislandgal]

Hello to all you kind souls who have posted to me . I have not posted for some weeks now but have been reading lots of your posts and keeping up to date I regret I have not been able to offer much support to everyone else as I have been much in turmoil. But I have decided to start a new thread with this more positive title. It has been six months since my S left and , as most of you will understand, unbearably painful and lonely. But it has been a period of growth for me too. No pain no gain as they say.. Much needed to change and although I would never wish this experience on anyone it has bee cathartic and good has come out of it.

I am still in a very precarious situation financially and I will be in limbo, jobwise, by June. This has left me feeling worried and very vulnerable but I am becoming less ‘terrified’ of this prospect as I am learning to have more faith in my abilities to work through this and resolve the problem. I have also watched the DVD ‘The Secret, recommended to me by ‘Princess Rainbowlove’ so am working hard to keep a positive image of what I want in mind. This is a challenge in itself since I have been guilty of ‘expecting the worst possible scenario’in the past.

My WAS has been pretty much hunkered down in his tunnel, as far as I am concerned. And I have been agonizing over what approach to take. I have gone dark done 180’s and then changed tactics and did what appeared to be some anti DBing and pursued a little. This somehow elicited more reponse from him initially in that we went out to dinner a few times etc. But then he would withdraw. He had suggested we should date but would then become ‘invisible ‘ again and not follow through. After much deliberation and leaving him ‘space’I decided to confront the situation , realizing that this might be contrary to DBing but on balance decided it came under the category of ‘Doing a 180’ as I was going to state what I wanted. And this I did. I asked him to meet me in a neutral pleasant environment where we would not be distracted by other people. It was a good choice. I then proceeded to tell him that this was not where I wanted to be in my life and that I wanted very much for us to move forward and be together . If however he did not consider that a possibility then I wanted him to tell me so I would move on with my life.

I was prepared for him to go back into the past and recriminations etc but I would listen to and validate what he said. But I was very focused on bringing the conversation back to the present with a view to finding solutions to moving forward at this point, in whatever direction. Prior to the meeting I was fairly anxious and my stomach was doing somersaults but shortly into the conversation I felt I was coming from a position of strength and the fear subsided. I was somewhat surprised by some of the things my WAS said and we were more open about our feelings than we had been in years. Mostly I listened and validated , saying little, even when he said he still felt very hurt and bruised. ( I do too but seem more able to forgive than he does at this point.But he has always been one to hang on to past hurts)
He acknowledged that he had totally immersed himself in work in the six months we have been separated, avoiding dealing with any emotions. While I, on the other hand, have been through the whole gamut of my emotions facing all the my pain that comes with it. Consequently we are in very different places. He says he has chosen feeling numb as opposed to the pain of unhappiness and says he feels dead at this point and does not know what he wants to do He has always been very involved and driven in his work and quite a workaholic but much to my surprise he confessed to the fact that while he found his job now consumed his time it did not fulfill his needs . Quite an admission for him as I have always felt the job always came first. But the most amazing statement was the fact that he could not talk to anyone as he talked to me and that he confessed he missed my company . This was all said as he took hold of my hand.!!!…I truly had not expected him to admit anything like that to me at this point .

Having listened and validated I focused on bringing the conversation to the present to look for a solution so that we could move forward. I stated that six months was quite a long time. To which my WAS replied he felt very differently in that he had been totally ‘all over the place and nomadic’ the first three months and now was just beginning to feel somewhere like ‘normal’ in the last three months as he is living in one place.
So I asked the question “ What do you want to do ?” His answer:” I think we have talked about some heavy things today but would like us to date and have fun for a while “I was totally in agreement too but added that he had said this before but did not follow through . At which point he suggested a day, next Thursday, as in tomorrow. But since then he has become invisible again and gone down into the tunnel. I know that is par for the course when he has ‘opened-up’ but not sure where I go now. We supposedly have a day but no time confirmed and he seems to be avoiding contact. We communicate on Messenger from time to time but he has become silent at this point.

My gut feelings are that there are possibilities for us …but the time frame for me to ‘hang-on’ is going to be difficult. He is in a position to wait indefinitely but I may have to re-locate to find work which is a major challenge for me.

Enough journaling for now. I do feel more positive and less frightened of the future . Some good things have happened since I have been working hard to hold positive images and I focus on good things to happen in other people’s lives. I am really grateful for some positive steps for both my children . I am so pleased that my daughter has landed a job she wanted and my son is becoming more motivated to ‘do something with his life’.

None of us knows what is in store for us and upheaval and change is so hard to face at times.But we need to go forward with courage and belief in ourselves.........I am learning as I go.

[D11912]

Sent you an email Bgal, hope you get it. I sent it at the address listed on your profile.

Your S is ON THE FENCE. He loves you, but is still hurt. Sounds familiar... Only space and time will heal if anything.

Go dark for 2 weeks now and see what happens.

Possibilities are a beautiful thing. "If we don't visualize, we can't materialize" like they say in The Secret.

Don't be hard on yourself. What you've been doing had been working until your man FELT PRESSURE. Pressure will backfire, so back off for now.

((((hugs))))) and smooches and warm thoughts,
rainbowlove
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ALL IS HERE AND SO MUCH MORE IS COMING!

[Bislandgal]

Hi Princess RBL
I just replied to you.

Well life continues to be surprising. I had 'assumed' ( always a mistake right?) that my S was retreating back into the tunnel but apparently not. He contacted me this afternoon and confirmed the date and time for tomorrow, requesting we go out to dinner as opposed to the movie date originally planned if I was Ok with it. No problem for me . I will just 'be me' and ensure I focus on my listening skills !!


Bislandgal

[D11912]

Good news... Be super cool when you hang out with S girlfriend!!

rainbowlove
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ALL IS HERE AND SO MUCH MORE IS COMING!

[AmyC]

Have fun tonight!


Amy

[Bislandgal]

Hi there Princess

Well it was a very pleasant and relaxed evening despite the fact that the restaurant had a few problems. It did not matter and we laughed about some of that too. S was very chatty and talked about lots of things . He was very animated and open. I was bright smiling and at ease. 'No worries'

We will be 'dating' again next week it seems . ...No expectations of course ...yeah yeah....woohoo!!!!

Love and Light

BGal

[Bislandgal]

Hey Amy

Thank you so much for stopping by and keeping me in your thoughts . I have been 'watching' your progress but not posted myself . You seem to be working through a lot .I have had a few thoughts about your situation but feel you have had advice and posts from so many directions right now that I decided to be still for the time being and see how things pan out.....Wise advice that I heeded...being still and waiting is often the hardest part yet sometimes the most productive...But I have also found recently that stating what I want is also effective ...as always this depends on the timing....and we never know if we get that right until after the fact....we do need to listen to our intuition too.
Love and Light to you

BGal

[Bislandgal]

Journal time again

Well more surprises. After a relaxed and pleasant dinner date on Thursday the next day , I received a hand delivered card on my birthday , Friday 13th ( Who said it was unlucky!!??) with a gift certificate enclosed from my WAS!!! And the card said love ( insert name) . I have not had that included with his signature on any communication since way before the separation.
Then more communication this morning when he called to check I was home to drop something off.He returned dishes I had sent to him with goodies I had made some time ago . But he chose today the third day running to contact me ...and another little gift ..fresh papaya juice. This is a 180 for him.

But I must not run away with too many expectations here I know . I must be still and reflect for a moment . But it does feel good to know he he feels comfortable and connected enough to show he does still care. He had until recently remained very cool and distant from me .

With the additonal surprise of my , hitherto 'in the clouds son' taking me to lunch to a very nice restaurant and a beautiful flower arrangement from dear friends, I had a very nice birthday. And now other friends are taking me out to dinner to celebrate my birthday this evening . So it has turned into a Birthday week-end no less. I am a very lucky lady .

I am grateful for many things today :

The thoughtfulness of my family and friends
The positive response from my S
My feeling of strength
For the sunshine that I have in my day
For my daughter landing the job she wanted

[Lissett]

Happy Belated Bday mamma!

[Bislandgal]

Thank you Lissett. You are so very thoughtful.I read your posts and you make me smile lot. You help out so many people .
I have been where you are right now and I remember the pain of divorcing my XH when my children were young. You have the courage, strength,generosity of spirit and such a loving nature that you will all be fine. Now is the hardest part. It does get better.

Love and Light to you
Bislandgal