It's true what "they" say, when the fog lifts I would NOT trade the pain I've been through for what he's feeling now. He is in his own self-induced Hell and knows it. Ouch.
I have bits of my sitch in a few forums. The latest is in "I'm Thinking About Leaving", of all places. I was there because until I detached enough from his drama and was ready to move on without him, I wasn't strong enough to face my fears and do the 180's necessary to wake up SB to what he was losing. My posts are long and twisted... kinda like the latest few years of my marriage. Ha.
When we last left KCN and SB, he was ready to tell OW that he couldn't live a lie any longer and had to move out. He didn't call for a few days....... so of course, that meant he didn't tell her. I have NOT pushed him to do that though, not once. When I called him though, after that night, he FELT pushed because he knew I was expecting to hear him say he'd gone through with it so he was cold again and I jumped to a million conclusions that thankfully he never heard about because his voice mail was full and phone off.
The next time he called though, a few days later, was from a rental property he was checking out. He wanted to give me a phone tour while he looked at it. He even described the local water fowl and fish jumping. He had checked out the restaurants in the area and described the menu of one he wants to take me to when I come down.
The closer ya get, the scarier it gets. I've had a hard time validating his feelings as he's expressing remorse for every mistake he's made in the past 10 years. When he talks about the nights he came home at 2am to the ruined candlelit dinner, I have tended to try to "ease his pain" by saying "no one's perfect" -- I did blah blah blah. Wrong thing to do. This is NOT about me and I need to let him own his s%^t.
I must be doing something right though. I kind of "back pedal" db and fix it next phone call. Long distance has it's advantages because we both get a lot of time to think between conversations. It seems that each conversation that ends on a note with me scared to death he's going to waffle, I get determined to go dim and not let him suck me into the "house hunting" plans and calls until he gets rid of the OW. As soon as I make a plan, in my mind, he always calls back with another step toward bringing us back together. The same dance since the beginning of time. Back off and they come running after ya.
At first he "hated" me for disrupting his "comfort zone" when I showed up, unexpectedly, (hey, it's not MY fault he didn't listen to his voice mail!) to "talk" after he'd lived in this "Grimm's Fairy Tale" (his words) for 6 months. But as she started putting the pressure on after I "invaded her serenity", he has been facing the reality of the situation he's created and the damage he has done. She wants to buy a dog and a bird, he has both of these here, home with his family. When he mentioned coming "home" to see family, pay taxes, help me with house... she said it wasn't fair to her and she would come up with him. THAT will NOT be happening. He has let this happen and it's all suddenly clear to him now. He's been crying in disbelief to me on the phone that he's talking to his wife about how to break up with his girlfriend.
I suggested anti-depressants. I have read about the withdrawl a S can go through when ending an affair. He said it is self induced depression and as soon as he does "the right thing" he will be able to sleep and cut down on his drinking and smoking. At one point he said the next time he says "I love you" will be when he can promise to be faithful to me again. He still has a really warped sense of being faithful to one of us at a time. Drives me crazy, but I guess it's better than the alternative.
He said he'd been trying to convince himself he didn't love me since the first time he broke his vows... the night he didn't say no and "ruined everything." It's so hard to validate this stuff and not jump in and say "Everything will be okay, you aren't a bad person, you didn't mean to use her like that." But this is his pain and he needs to go through it to get to the other side or he'll never heal. He was trying to wait for a better time to leave her as she's lost a lot lately. He has decided that "like taking a vacation" the perfect time will never come.
Yesterday he called me from his driveway. He is meeting with the rental agt. at noon today to rent a new apt. and was headed inside to tell her he was sorry but he has been living a lie and needs to end it. He has realized that with every day she is getting closer to him and he feels nothing but trapped, pity, remorse and a little bit of disgust because reality can be harsh when you wake up after a year long binge and see who is lying next to you.
Tap.. tap... tap... I don't even know if I think he actually told her last night. He even admitted he should've told her a month ago but has managed to avoid it. I do believe he'll secure the apartment this afternoon. I think he needs some time alone before he'll call me though. I don't know. Maybe I'm just protecting myself by not allowing any expectations.
It takes a huge leap of faith to plan on moving 1300 miles away from family, friends and disrupting our son's life to try to piece back a marriage with someone who has been a total stranger to us for the last 8 months. I can just feel it though. I hear it in his voice. I had been writing down memories and things I'd admired for a while, just so I could find a reason to fight for this marriage... and now..... I am seeing the man I forgot existed.
The crazy stuff in the last stages of this thing keep us laughing through the tear filled phone calls... he'll call to have me listen to some gulls after he fed them a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
At the end of our phone call last night he just belched into the phone and said "There, you haven't heard that in a while", laughed and then said "gotta go tell her."
Kels - it is true, they have to go through their own hell, it was their doing so let them sweat it out.
However, there does have to be some encouragement to make them want to come back too
As for the AD, he might need them more when he comes back then he does now. It can be VERY traumatic for them (and us). I know, even though my H never left, the "withdrawal" from the OW was VERY painful for both of us (I am still feeling the after effects - he seems to want to move on and forget it ever happened)
My H is still on AD and probably will be for quite some time - he says he is "scared" to come off them and go back into that "black hole"
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Kels - it is true, they have to go through their own hell, it was their doing so let them sweat it out.
However, there does have to be some encouragement to make them want to come back too
As for the AD, he might need them more when he comes back then he does now. It can be VERY traumatic for them (and us). I know, even though my H never left, the "withdrawal" from the OW was VERY painful for both of us (I am still feeling the after effects - he seems to want to move on and forget it ever happened)
My H is still on AD and probably will be for quite some time - he says he is "scared" to come off them and go back into that "black hole"
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Kels - it is true, they have to go through their own hell, it was their doing so let them sweat it out.
However, there does have to be some encouragement to make them want to come back too
As for the AD, he might need them more when he comes back then he does now. It can be VERY traumatic for them (and us). I know, even though my H never left, the "withdrawal" from the OW was VERY painful for both of us (I am still feeling the after effects - he seems to want to move on and forget it ever happened)
My H is still on AD and probably will be for quite some time - he says he is "scared" to come off them and go back into that "black hole"
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Yeah... this forum is a scary place! But I need to get advice and be focused on what lies ahead. Because.......
He just called. Finally! He has done it. YAY!!!!!!!!! He put the deposit down on his new apt. and is moving in Monday. He told OW last night and he's not gator bait so he just needs to get through the weekend and then he's over an hour away from "their" place and minutes from his job site.
He's 1300 miles away from me though and we have to do this long distance until we clear up a multitude of financial entanglements up here. He can't move home... that was part of the reason he gave up on us-- he didn't think we'd ever make it long distance. The emptiness was eating him up inside. The difference is, I told him he didn't have to choose between his job and his family. We are moving down to be with him. Somehow.
I'm soooo tired of being alone and soooooo excited/anxious to see him again after our last visit. This is where the patience and trust is needed more than ever.
He was laughing and excited about everything when he called though. He has to be so relieved to not have the "break up" conversation hanging over his head any longer. With him the OW wasn't really the issue. My situation, though horrible and humiliating, was actually facilitated because he ended up having to move in with her because he lost his company housing, company vehicle, tools, etc, when he lost the original job he left state for. He had another job lined up but suddenly found himself out on the street and the kindly OW took him in. <gag> It was truly the fastest way to force reality though. She was on her BEST behavior, but I was too. I just stayed sweet, strong and loving and took care of his home and kids and looked at her as a kleenex, but never made him defend her by letting him know how insignificant she was. It was all about HIM. Always. He started going nuts before he left for an out of state job (hindsight) but I just figured we'd sort it all out and that absence would make the heart grow fonder and all that. Eh, not so much.
Looking back, maybe it helped though. I know it has certainly given me time to work on myself without him seeing the meltdowns. Six months later, when I walked up to him on his job site, I was 20 lb. lighter, smiling, tan and beautiful without swolen eyelids. I was the girl he married and thanks to this site, I made sure of it before he had to look me in the eyes for the first time since he called me with that bomb.
We had the honeymoon (well, except for the best part of honeymoons ---ugh-- must. not. think. about. that.) while he chose to spend his time with me and talk about us instead of the kids/finances and left her ranting, raving, throwing his stuff out, etc. I was scared to come home and leave him there. That's when I thought I'd lose him back to the comfort zone he'd created. I got lucky. The comfort zone had been breached and he couldn't erase me any more... or his feelings for me.
It took him a month of almost daily communication and reaching out to friends and family again to convince himself that he could face himself, his family and me without hating himself and that I really could trust him again. I know this sets me up for terrible heartache should he waver... but there is no other way. I had to make a choice to trust him again.
I wish I could swoop down with the kids and the dogs and ease this transition, but this is his journey and I need to back off and let him drive. Step one has been put into action. I do believe I'm just going to sit back and enjoy this for today and try to keep myself busy through the weekend.
Does the pain of the "after effects" get in the way of your happiness? Somehow that "Stop Sign" technique has helped me through many lonely nights. Heh, maybe I'm just really, really good at deluding myself! Seriously though, because I can deal with it, he talks to me about most everything. I just have to learn to quit trying to make him feel better when he's acknowledging the damage he's done. After we cried and held each other for days, I enjoy just "forgetting it ever happened" part and laughing together again. Making plans and new memories and re-viving lots of old memories and routines is getting us closer. We haven't been together enough to fall into old routines and behavior patterns and both know what we stand to lose at this point if we do. I don't have to watch his every expression and wonder if he's thinking about her though, like so many of you who didn't separate. That must be soooo hard.
We'll never forget. But just like the women in his life before we met, they are all a small part of who he is today. They just aren't me though, and I refuse to give them more power than they deserve.
Of course, I'm having a particularly good day and this is when it all seems so easy, doesn't it. We'll just see how it goes when he calls me up all lonely as he goes home to his empty apartment. Er, I hope it's me that he calls. ARGH.
I'm just going to enjoy this for a moment. He's not divorcing me today.
S15's schedule for next year's classes arrived in the mail a few days ago and I'm dreading looking at it with him. He has had the best year ever academically and socially. He is just thriving here. He plays a sport that he cannot play where his dad is working.
I will be leaving friends and connections that have somehow held me up-- and let me be. I will be leaving a S23 and new grandson.
If it means our family can be together, I haven't a doubt in my mind that it's the right thing to do. IF we can piece this together we'll never regret it. I believe that.
But.
My furnace stopped working this morning and it took one phone call to turn something uncomfortable and overwhelming into an opportunity to see how much I am cared for. Thanks to my neighbors I can type without mittens!
After determining they couldn't fix it, they brought electric heaters and a torpedo(?) over. They went to get kerosene and keep coming over to make sure I'm keeping the place properly ventilated and such. I have the number of "a buddy in the business" to call in the morning. As they commented on how the house is coming along and how beautiful it will be... it is so much to leave.
Instead of house hunting over the phone and investigating schools and restaurants we want to check out when we finally get to live together again, shouldn't we be waiting to see how the actual *moving-out-of-the-OW's-apartment-thing* goes?
Is the timeline is being forced by the need to settle in S15 into a new home before school starts in the fall?
Would it be better DB-ing to open up that class schedule and talk about the trip to Washington DC that he's looking forward to with his government class? He's a great kid, he wants us happy.....but he is afraid that we'll move down there and his Dad will hurt me/us/his brother, friends, etc. again.
Should I try to deflect "future (as in 3-4 months from now) talk" for while or keep dreaming and planning together? The long phone calls as he describes each room from the paint color to the treefrogs in the hot tub have been priceless.
Do I get the house ready for the market and finish it in a cost-effective way, geared toward the most common buyers tastes or with the flooring and railing that was the dream we started when we began to build it?
In case one of the 43 people who viewed my posts is curious...
He moved into his new home yesterday and called me once he got settled. We talked for 4 hours.
He loves me... he loves me ... he loves me. Never stopped.
He mentioned that his boss spoke with him after I came down and said he understood he'd had a visitor. FWIW he advised him that he probably should seriously consider hanging on to someone that'd take the chance I did to try to save this marriage.
He's calling my mom this morning. I can't wait to see him. :-)
We've come so far. It wasn't that long ago I'd have sold my soul just to hear him say he loves me again.
It was so painful to know I couldn't call him if there was a chance he'd be home/ with XOW. I was so happy when he moved and told her he couldn't see her any longer, because with a LDR being able to call for late night "tuck ins" and dreams of tomorrow is so important.
Now my biggest enemy is my sudden fear and insecurity. When he's got a lot on his mind and needs time to think instead of talk... instead of giving him space and calmly going on with my life, a million thoughts invade my head. Why did he get off the phone so fast? Did SHE show up?
He was on the "other line" when I called earlier tonight. I missed his return call (because I was trying to stay busy and NOT sit on the phone) and got that message, that he's having a bad night, and that he'd answer when I called back. I did. He didn't. Argh this is torture. Why do I feel it was HER he was talking to and resent that I am spending another night without hearing his voice because he isn't ready to talk about whatever has him upset, but doesn't want to lie to me.
He is house hunting. This one isn't even on the market yet. Maybe it's a blessing I'm not there to see his mood swings when she calls as he tries to deal with the pain SHE is in. I DO feel such unexpected resentment at every moment he gives her that takes away from "us".
Why am I having such a hard time being thankful for the steps he has taken? Why can't I believe that he wants "me, the kids, the dog, US--- all of that and more"? Why am I afraid his lonliness and guilt for leading her on and hurting her will cause him to waver?
I had an absolute meltdown Tuesday afternoon/night and felt like this will never work. I was in a car accident a week ago and had to have the car towed in and fixed. I needed a rental. Every $ I have to spend on this stuff is another week he can't come home for a visit because we need to pay the bills.
I am in limbo and can't meet his needs from so far away.
OK. What CAN I do.
I can be his friend and listen to him when he cries about how hard it was to hurt her. I can send him "care packages" and set up his cable for him. I can run his home-- the one we need to sell-- and raise his son and take care of his dog. I can give him his space to work things out and give him the trust I said I would when he promised it was over and that I was what he'd wanted all along. I can quit giving her power over me. I hope.
I need patience. I need to realize that we can't sort everything out instantly and that in time we will get through it. I need to find that faith that got me this far.
I'm so tired. As happy as I am he got his own place, I get pangs when I hear him talk about the placemats he bought for his new table and the colors of his kitchen. He just had hummingbirds come to the new feeder he put out on Sunday. I continue to wake up alone to beauty outside the french doors in "our" bedroom only to have it hit me that I have to soak in everything now because it's the last spring I'll wake up to the black birds and herons in the wetlands. Why can't I plant a garden for me? Even if I'm leaving it, why can't I do things to make each day here count? Why can't I find joy even though I'm constantly trying to keep up my PMA and find the beauty where I can?
I'm so overwhelmed. I need to wait for him to call so that he'll be ready to talk instead of dreading my questions when he sees my name on his caller ID.
Which I won't ask... but I know he doesn't know that. Yesterday I may have.
It's not my behavior that makes him feel that way. It's his guilt. It's that sometimes we DO talk about how we got to where we were and why it won't happen again. I ask questions before I even realize they force him to be honest about another lie I never knew existed.
He called shortly after I posted the above. It was XOW on the phone. She has decided not to sell him the vehicle he's put all the $$ into and wants it back. He feels "scorned" and that he built a shed, bought a grill for the place, made furnature, etc. and that he "lost everything he put into it and it's not even a divorce." He said it's so hard to talk with me about this stuff but he needs to and "thank the lord you still love me". We'll be okay if I can figure out how to do enough long distance to keep our communication going and not fall into old traps.
Because we are selling, I had to quit the creative projects/painting, etc., that I've been doing here to "GAL". I also can't afford to put $ into flowers/gardens/landscaping that I'm going to leave. Can't start a class... maybe online? The point I'm getting at is I don't want to be boring. I'm in limbo but have to find a way to keep things going and start new ones while we are in transition.
Does anyone out there trying to piece/rebuild/start over LD know of any good books with ideas how to do this? He doesn't have internet access so anything on the computer won't work. I can't send him a copy of Surviving Infidelity for him to read. Some kind of "game" like a newlywed game or those old Redbook quizzes that we could use snail mail and phone calls to play?
I've been reading the Newcomers to Piecing thread and will finish that, and want to catch up on some of you who have a clue what you're doing before I blow this.
I don't know. Maybe I'm doing just fine. Maybe I'm too new to this to understand advice you might give at this time or to see what advice I need. I don't want what we had before. I don't want to let life's struggles and our apathy allow us to stop caring who we are and what we think and dream about again. I want the passion back. I want to keep surprising him (that worked really, really well).
Yay. With a *sports package* added to the cable bundle we can actually watch the hockey play offs when we move. Okay. It's official. We can do this. :-)
We *watched* a hockey game together last night over the phone.
Today we had to have a few conversations involving both financial setbacks and the xow. I wish she could just disappear already. Instead, it's going to be a bit longer before he can take the time off work and spend the money to come "home".
The conversation later got much better when he called from a place he "can't wait to take me to" when I come down. As he described the menu and the kids jumping in the river that made him feel more comfortable about moving our son into the area, I realized something. We just have to keep dreaming together and planning for what will be when we get out of this nightmare.
I have another rough weekend coming up. Sunday he has to go do a sort of property exchange with xow. Tonight, on every logical level I have and every emotional fiber of my soul, I know she means nothing to him and he wants to be with me and our family more than ever. But. For once, I want to be able to keep that faith throughout the weekend and enjoy MY life while waiting for OUR life to begin again. I don't want to have to fight insecurity and fear. Feelings I NEVER had until I was slammed with the fact that my husband was having an affair and "didn't plan on ending it anytime soon". I want the awareness of how I contributed to this without the pathetic sense of outrage that she is taking up another Sunday of our life. To be honest... that there is one more Sunday that I can't call my husband to say "hi" and he won't call to tell me about the latest bird he saw or song he just heard.
Anyhow. I'm glad I had the space to write this down. I really can't talk to anyone about this stuff and writing it helps me resolve it as I go along. Maybe this time I'll be better and in less pain. Maybe this time, since I'm preparing myself and thinking about something I'm going to do on Sunday, I won't cry myself to sleep or wake up feeling like an elephant is sitting on my chest.
he has been facing the reality of the situation he's created and the damage he has done. She wants to buy a dog and a bird, he has both of these here, home with his family. When he mentioned coming "home" to see family, pay taxes, help me with house... she said it wasn't fair to her and she would come up with him. THAT will NOT be happening. He has let this happen and it's all suddenly clear to him now. He's been crying in disbelief to me on the phone that he's talking to his wife about how to break up with his girlfriend.