Have just found out about your forum while reading The Sex Starved Marriage. Our situation:
My W and I are both 39, have been married 13 years, have 3 kids(9,6,5). Ours has not been the perfect marriage. After kids, my W was the LD spouse. I did just what the book says I would have --got angry, built up walls, and turned off the marriage. If we had sex over the past 2 years, it was always end off the night, exhausted, in the dark, and "get it over". I started having ED and PE. Of course, I never satisfied my wife. I ended up with Depression--started Zoloft 3 months ago andfeel better and want to fix my marriage.
My wife weighed 125lbs when we married, up to 170 after 1st child,then >200(on 5"2" frame) after subsequent kids. Last year she entered a "Biggest Loser" type contestat the local Gym. She has been working out with 24 yo Male personal trainer now for 13 months. She is down to 145 lbs. She has gotten happy--what led to me perking up. However she now is in MLC mode--says she has feelings for the trainer, considers it an EA, and thinks she could have sexual relationship with him. She now says she thinks about sex/wants it every day. She won't kiss me(have to beg for a distant hug), so the sexual energy isn't being spent on me.
I'm told ILYBNILWY. Right now she says she wants to stay for the children, but doesn't want to quit seeing/working out with trainer. She wants to lose last 15-20lbs, then get tummy tuck and breast lift.
I feel terribly hurt. Iam trying harder than I have in 5+ yrs. Taken over most of housework/child care. (She says if she leaves, it is w/o kids.) I am trying to do all the little things I didn't before, but now am in trouble for trying to do too much.
Does anyone have advice besides marital counselor? (topic broached but she has no desire to see)
Yes, start focusing on you. Read Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy.
Start working out, lifting weights, and dressing attractive. Work on being an amazing dad, do fun things with the kids and have a fabulous family. Regardless of what she decides to do, you work on being a great listener, giving compliments and working towards becoming the kind of guy any woman would enjoy being with. The basic thing is you have to become a better guy, husband, or "catch" and hopefully you're wife will work through her MLC and wake up before she loses something really valuable and special.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I am still trying to work through this relationship problem with my W. I thought we had a great Easter weekend. She actually gave me small kisses on the lips the last two days,which I interpreted as a thaw.
Last night she worked out with her Trainer(the same one as above. After she came home she spent the next 2 hours on the phone about work related problems. I understood the need to do so. I just kept reading Divorce Busting(great book, by the way).
The strange part was after we went to bed. I have been falling asleep fast due to waking up ever night, running our situation through my head. Last night I did not fall right to sleep. To my surprise, I could tell my W started to masturbate--something I have never known her to do. I stayed still, but when she was interupted by cat jumping on bed, I touched her arm and said ILU. She just told me to go to sleep, then went "back to work". She was quiet--I couldn't say if she was satisfied.
I obviously a not offended by masturbating--I've definitely done it. What I don't know is how to respond now? Obviously I knew what was happening and made it that she should know I was aware.
I doubt she was fantasizing about me--more likely the trainer. She had told me he was particularly nice to her last night(had cancelled on her last minute twice recently). Do I say anything to her today about last night? Do I forget it completely?
have you tried setting a babysitter up and ask her to go out dancing/movies, etc etc? Have you told her you find her attractive and she is the woman for you?
The thing w/the trainer is pretty harsh, she is obviously trying to have a fantasy romance, a mid life crisis in the making, when the person only thinks of him/herself and the heck with spouse and kids.
I'd still set up a marriage counceling session, let her know that you'll be going and that i'd be nice to see her there. Don't over do things or make things too easy for her to go out and do whatever she wants, don't do everything at home, she has to be aware that you won't enable her while she has her escapes.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I wouldn't worry about who she's fantasizing about (since a fantasy is just a fantasy), but perhaps she needs a little more "aggressiveness" and interest from you. Go to the sex section in your local book store (usually near the relationship books) and start reading. Maybe try some new things with her. Ask her to tell you exactly where and what she needs. Say something dirty in her ear....
I wouldn't bring up the masturbation, but instead consider how you might make sex better for her.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
It was an interesting weekend. We went as a family to football game on Sat., then shopping + dinner. Everyone was really tired Sat. night. Went to bed alone as she wanted to listen to music by herself. Felt all was good.
Yesterday went to baptism of our nephew--we are the godparents. Her family doesn't know anything is going on. Day seemed great, but on hour drive home--kids were nuts and she was melting down. Whem we get home, it's "I don't know if I can go on like this. I can't stand kids anymore. I can't live like this. I feel like moving out and just taking care of myself. What's wrong with me?"
I reply it's a MLC. She responds--no it's just a crisis. I've taken care of everything else too long and not taken care of myself. I know you're trying to help more, but I can't go on like this."
Told ILU. She replied "ILU too, but I don't feel like I'm in love. I'm not saying I'm ending the marriage, but things need to change for me to want to stay."
What move do I make now? Do I just keep being supportive?
Whem we get home, it's "I don't know if I can go on like this. I can't stand kids anymore. I can't live like this. I feel like moving out and just taking care of myself. What's wrong with me?"
I reply it's a MLC. She responds--no it's just a crisis. I've taken care of everything else too long and not taken care of myself. I know you're trying to help more, but I can't go on like this."
Told ILU. She replied "ILU too, but I don't feel like I'm in love. I'm not saying I'm ending the marriage, but things need to change for me to want to stay."
What move do I make now? Do I just keep being supportive?
Scout, She's trying to express to you that she's struggling, and doesn't know how to fix the problem. She sounds like she's "drowning" in stress.
I would go into problem-solving and listening mode, and see what you can do to lighten her load. Choose things that would be helpful to her, not what you think is helpful. This should help to some extent, but my guess is her issues run beyond something you can fix for her.
Be supportive, help her solve problems, listen without judgment to her dreams and ideas. She needs the space to explore what will make her happy. She sounds "burnt-out" from her obligations and responsibilities.
She mentioned that she has to learn to take care of herself. It sounds like she needs to make some needed changes in how she approaches life, yet is fearful, or doesn't know how.
The fact that she's articulating that she needs to make a change is good. IC might be more helpful to her at this point, than MC--the marriage is one more responsibility to her.
Address this with her, and let her feel your supportive presence. She doesn't seem like she's empowered enough to move forward on her own--taking care of yourself implies being a burden to others, and being selfish in her mind.
Do you two have enough recreation in your lives? Is life too much obligations and responsibilities?
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Time for the weekly post to help meal deal with situation. Was a work weekend, so no time for dates. Went out as a family to Mass and Mexican Sat night. The kids got videos to watch--my wife and I worked on details for summer family Disney trip (still planning a family trip-that's good).
At end of night went to bed and as other side of bed seemed to be bouncing a lot, I reached over to touch my wife. It was not well received. "What are you doing?" "I was trying to help you." "you know I don't want to be touched now! I've told you that." I just rolled over and went into "sulk mode". Probably not the right thing to do, but definitely learned that 180 wouldn't work.
Reading DR now. Just passed section last night where it says to assess on 1-10 scale where marriage was when started and where it is now. Would say it was a 2 then--wasn't a 1 because we weren't fighting all the time, but little connection at all. I would rate it up to a 4 now. The friendship is better, but still no physical contact. I was standing right by bedroom door when my wife went to bed last night. She just walked straight by me--no offer of even a hug.
Planning to keep working on it, though. I think I need to move to more of a LRT approach. As always advice would be appreciated!
