She's not much more than a roommate

[RGM]

I guess I should have moved over here sometime ago. I never really looked around to many of the other forums.

W & I are nearing 1yr since D-bomb dropped, but also a little over 6 mnths since WAW/MLC decided it might be worth working on. The first couple of mnths we got back together were nice. W actually acted like she wanted to be around me again. We started back into MC in Oct. and have been about a dzn times since. I started noticing that I've been feeling resentment, sometimes severe, towards W. Things are back to egg shells again. Little to no physical affection from W. She's more the roommate now than W. W doesn't feel anything wrong w/ that. W just wants to have her own life, keep everything separate. For the last cple of mnths it's seemed like she's back on the MLC track.

[Heywyre]

RGM - welcome to the dark side

I hate to sound pesimistic but sometimes (no, I stand corrected - all the time) piecing is harder that most think it to be. When the WAS comes back, its like a honeymoon all over again but that soons fades just like it did the first time around, only faster

Reality is, you both have to get back to your lives. But, in your case, if W is wanting to keep everything separate this kind of indicates to me that she is withdrawing from you "just in case" - I don't know but that's just my take on it

I totally understand the "no physical affection" part - its been like that for some time - post A - in our house

I am hoping to change that one day, still working on it

[MariS]

RGM,

Yeah, I found you & have your thread marked!

Sending you loads of PMA & thoughts for today & the weekend...

This is a much harder ride than I thought it would be, but we can only do our best.

[cat03]

I guess in your case you went through the "honeymoon" phase, when all is sweet and nice for the first couple of months. The hard work of piecieng has caugh up w/you and now the feelings you shelved for so long are coming back and hurting you.

It is normal, hang in there. The best book for piecing is "healing the hurt in your marriage",give it a try. If she has distanced herself she prob sences your resentment is trying to "protect" herself.

I know it is hard to fight w/resentment, but the best things to do is face it, think of it as of a giant dragon. You can't ignore it, it is in your way, the only way to deal w/it is to face the ugly truth, admit that it happened, then realize it is in the past and that you are on your way for better things. SLAY the dragon.

[toughlover]

Well there's no way to know how it's gonna go, but I have a WAW who never actually walked away, and we're going on 10months post-bomb.

It's been ups and downs for us, too. I'm still resentful and probably will be for some time. Our first few months were excruciatingly difficult. Then it got better kind of fast and we had a short honeymoon phase back around Christmas, then it got real tough again (more for me than for her, it seems).

I started getting what I thought I wanted from her, to some degree, but discovered I wasn't sure if I wanted it or not, could trust it or not. I think that's pretty natural when you've been betrayed...and the more deeply the deception runs, the tougher it is to get over and get going.

Now we're back into another really good phase...at least, as good as it gets.

Best thing you can do is be better for yourself and kids. Give her the space she wants while always making clear what YOU want so long as she's open to hearing it. That's tricky. A little goes a long way, trust me. Don't expect instant feedback. Do it cause you want to, not because you're trying to get something from her.
It'll help get you where you need to be going.

It helped us that we both have been committed to the marriage and willing to do what it takes. It hasn't been easy, as you know. Still isn't. Probably won't be for a long time, if ever.

Still, we're being honest and have been happier with each other than we've been for a long time. The kids have, too.

[RGM]

Well I guess I was mistaken in making the move over here. W & I went to MC Thursday night. She dropped the bomb again. She's tired of working on our M. She feels empty and dead inside. She still loves me, cares for me but doesn't want to married anymore. She's better off being alone.

She admits and acknowledges all of the changes I've made and am cont. to make. I'm definitely a better person. But she's changed. She's a different person & she just doesn't want to be married anymore. Don't know when she'll file, but she's filing. I have found out she's already contacted her previous L. She doesn't know I've already found out. The day after she D-bombed me, I asked W if she had aleady contacted her L. She said "No", but she had 3 days earlier. W says she knows this will be painful on all, but she "has to be true to herself". Everyone else will just have to cope. I don't know if I have the strength to to through this again. S8 has already figured something is up. While at soccer practice W and I took a walk around the park. After practice S8 says, "I saw you and M walk around tonight, are there problems again?"

W has already given me "the kids are resilent and will get over all of this", again. She knows it will painful, but they'll get through it.

[MariS]

RGM,

I am soooo sorry to read what you have written. Please take comfort that you both did MC (mine won't go) and she actually said it, rather than filing w/out telling you (like mine).

Sending you a gazillion "Atta Boys" and HUGE amounts of PMA.

Stay in piecing, so we can find your thread. You W is still probably testing you to see how you will react. As well as if you are REALLY willing to accept her for herself.

Try your best to continue "As If'ing."

Thinking of you and sending a prayer.

[RGM]

Tough,
W and I never actually separated either. She refused to move out of the house, but papers were filed and she was on her way out. She had bought a condo, everything. She had been living in our office/bedroom in the basement. Yes it was terribly painful for both me and our 2 boys (S8 & S3). The oldest knew we were in process of D. W wanted to try to act as if everthing was normal. Wanted to be @ all the meals, travel together for day-to-day requirements, travel together for all of S8 sporting events and out-of-town tourneys. Tore the boys and I up. After 5 months of "separation" and D procedings, W comes to me one day and says she wants to stay. She L me again. We started up the MC again and have been going for last 6 months. The last 4 or 5 wks, things have been "different" and then Thurs. she tells me she wants D. Unfortunately, we're not both committed. I've always wanted to work on things. She didn't. Then said she would. Now doesn't want to. Even when we were in MC she said wasn't completely commited, 7 on a scale of 1-10. Kids don't know about this go around yet, although S8 asked a couple of questions after he saw us talking during his practice last night. Wanted to know if we were talking about adult stuff again and was M upset again.

[MariS]

RGM,

Thinking of you this afternoon.

Don't tell S8 anything, except what you already said. He doesn't need the emotional turmoil.

Isn't this MLC ride horrid?

Isn't the saying don't believe anything the MLCer says & only 50% what you see?

Possibly the MC is hitting on something w/in your W & she is trying to come through the tunnel, but is having a hard time w/her final fear.

RGM, you can do this & hold on.

Keep As If'ing & having fun w/your sons.

Sending you loads of PMA!

[RGM]

Well this thread already needs to change names. I opened up one that the title is a little bit more appropriate to the situation
IT'S HAPPENING ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!