Haven't posted in a while, see the old thread locked up, thought I'd start a new one. The move preparations from HI to NJ goes well, looks like mid-June for the move. S16 is ready to go in May, S14 still wants to go to CO but is also ready to leave HI in May. Sewed on 1 Apr. Had shoulder surgury on Mar 23rd, hurts like heck, especially now after physical therapy.
On the ex-front, spoke with her last Sat from a resort S16/S14 & I were at about college $s for D19 that xw had taken and not given to D19. About 2-3 mins into the conversation she starts the water works about how tight money is as a single income person. Felt like telling her that it's her choice and she can change it but didn't. Just told her that according to the agreement she is suposed to be giving even more and to just pay the lesser amount, what she owes.
Afterwards got to thinking, she does not seem very happy like she had planned to be and that the family back together would make everone more happy. Also thought about the ex's as friends dilema (she wants to be friends, I say we are not and that can't work) and came to this conclusion. Thinking outside the box came up with a new category "more than friends" which is more than "just friends" but not married. I mean, why get hung up on labels, right? After 23 yrs of as close as two can get to be grouped with someone met a few times can't be appropriate. Maybe ther is another word to use? or make up a new word? Anyway, I sent her an e-mail proposing that idea but she won't get it for a while being out of town for two weeks. We'll see what she says, if anything, when she gets back. After that comes her birthday, she sent me a card in Mar so suppose should do at least the same for her this month. S14 went to CO for a week for spring break and said he only saw om twice briefly so at least she didn't follow through with her stating that I can't stop her from having the worm spend time with my sons when they are there.
Well, that's about it for the update, don't see many of the familiars posting much anymore but maybe they are out there reading or maybe I havn't figured out this new style of web board yet. Anyway, take care all and will get back here when time permits. RonJon
About 2-3 mins into the conversation she starts the water works about how tight money is as a single income person. Felt like telling her that it's her choice and she can change it but didn't.
I read a little, "I'd save you if you'd let me" in your post. Would you honestly take her back because the single life financially didn't work out for her? I can't imagine trying again with someone that I suspected was only with me for financial security. How bout you? Is love part of the deal? Or just her making the family whole, but only by her physically (not emotionally) being back?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Hi Ron ... I posted on your other thread, but glad to see you started a new one here.
I agree, there can't be a friend thing between XH and XW, but we long time married people find it difficult to not care, in a friendly way. I know that I probably would've been 'friends' with my H eventually, if we had gone through with a D, but it would've taken some time.
Glad the packing is going well. My D26 and her H finally got their orders, and are going to Illinois, so still quite far from us, but a tad bit nearer. Gosh, I miss her so much.
Anyway, take care of that shoulder. It is a joint that dislikes healing (I had an inflammation on my left shoulder, that took more than a year to heal), so you have to treat it with a lot of 'gentleness'.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
There can be friendship, but "friends" isn't even what the WAS is asking for. Friendship goes both ways, your friend is there for you and you're there for them. The WAS wants a onesided friend, the kind that thinks only good of them and supports them, listens to them, loans them money, lets obligations slide, but they don't have to reciprocate on anything. That's not friendship, that's using.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
JM, Thought about this a lot, just haven't gotten around to posting. There were probalbly a lot of reasons why I was thinking that and all were not noble. The family is my first priority but would not expect either to stay in it if not happy. In the final analysis, yes, I would honestly take her back because the single life financially didn't work out for her. Not to be her sugar bear or anything but because the time we'd spend together would give her a chance to see the changes in me and have an opportunity to actually try some of the DB techniques in person. The love part would grow, I'm fairly confident; she still has some feelings, I can tell when we are together by ourselves. If things didn't work out for whatever reason, we have changed too much and she doesn't emotionally come back, she is just in it for the money, whatever, then at least we'd be able to part on better terms/closure with the growth achieved over the past year and a half.
Being Me, Things are going well here. Sent the xw a birthday card with a note and few bucks to have a Bday drink (she was on the road, job training). She really appreciated that. No reply on the friends comment I made to her so who knows. Will see her and D19 next month when we move and stop there for a visit and see how things go. Otherwise things have been quite on the xw front which is the way I prefer it for now.
The shoulder is holding up nicely. All the pain from pre-surgury is gone so that is the best part. Still done have full range of motion or strength but will get there eventually. RJ
J_M, Hear where you are coming from and couldn't agree more on the "friends" issue. There are friends and then there is "just friends" which implies that one party knows the other wants more and, like you said, tries to "use" that to their advantage. The thing that they need to realize is that will only work if the other party lets them and that won't happen in my instance. A person has to stand up for themself otherwise they won't be respected and that is an important part of friendship/a relationship. The WAS at some point should come to realize that, or not. Suppose if they do, couldn't be defined as a WAW anymore. RJ
I too am struggling with the "friend" thing. At first I wanted to forgive and be friends, you know the whole unconditional love thing. Plus there are the kids to consider.
However, deep down it is hard to be friends with someone who has hurt me and continues to do so. I am just not that strong.
So as time passes I feel the friend thing is a non-starter. For me anyway I feel better with no contact. I need to move on and being friends (especially as Just_Me says: one-way friends) only leaves the door open to more hurt and no progress for me moving forward.
Jeff, The "friend" thing is a tough challenge. From what I've learned, there is unconditional love for one's children but not for spouses is why there are so many divorces. Friends may occasionally hurt one another but not continually all on one side.
As offbeat as it may sound, I'd recommend checking out the movie "Just Friends" which is a comedy but is mainly funny because it is based on truths. It answers a lot of the friends questions. Another thing I've learned is that keeping it light and minimizing the drama along with being strong are qualities that are attractive to making/re-making a real friend.
I too, prefer the no contact route. Not so much because it hurts me to have contact but because I believe that people need to disconnect before they can reconnect or else they just stay on the same loop if they stay in contact continually if that makes any sense. Like I put in one of my previous posts, the door is closed but if she knocks and I'm not with anybody else inside at the time, I'd answer.
Final thing learned: Everybody gets through this crud at their own pace, there is a lot of anxiety at first and a desire to rush things, but these things take time. Let me know how things go. Good luck to you too, RJ
It's about three weeks out from the move from HI and the subsequent two week vacation in CO w/D19 before settling down in NJ. The question is what to do, if anything, with w/xw while in her town. Things are still hot/cold between us when we e-mail. One day she'll be super-pleasant and the next super-angry. For me, I'd still like to see the whole family together again and not sure how I feel about her anymore. IMHO, the whole R thing is not logical enough to be figured out. When a W has strong feelings for a M then despite whatever his faults, they are overlooked but when said guy over the years gets put on the W's sh_t list, then there are enough terms (controlling, passive-aggressive, smothering, abandoning, etc, etc) that no matter how much the M has improved, fault can always managed to be found.
After more thought about the possibility of an "us" and why, another thing I've come up with is that with all the behavioral improvements I've made over the past year and a half, it's still in my nature that the more I'm told I can't have something, the more I want it. Guess I just love a challenge, and this would be the ultimate. But also in my nature to be one of those on the "D but not done" board, not one like others where there is great bitterness, anger, resentment, even hatred towards one's ex.
Anyway, with the trip coming up, need to work on plans. One path is to just avoid her altogether and see what happens and the other branch is to make arrangements to get together. Always work best in person than over the phone or through electrons. At this point still vacillating, will sleep on it. Do know that she is not ready for an "us" yet but thinking about establishing a foundation for the future. Besides, despite being back on the mainland, will still be thousands of miles apart at least for a while.
Would be interested in hearing comments. RJ
both 48 M'd 23 yrs D final Aug 06 D19 (college), S16&S14 w/me
