My biggest challenge is not what to do when we're naked, it's how to get her naked.
She's not comfortable with anything beyond a hug and a goodnight kiss. She does'nt even undress in front of me because she does'nt want to tease me. For example, let's say she's in the kitchen first thing in the morning preparing kid's lunches. If I were to come up behind her, gently wrap my arms around her, and kiss her neck softly, her response would be to stand there, stiff as a board, like I was'nt even there, or like if she were having a cramp or something. I mean she's really frigid.
She's also exhausted, she told me so the other night. Her day starts at 5:30 am and she does'nt slow down, or sit down till 10:00 at night. She even eats standing up, except dinner. Total Type A personality. She can run fast for 13 miles without stopping, swim a mile in 35 minutes, and ride a bike 100 miles through mountains in one day. She has to do everything herself, her way, on her time. She's known around these parts as the original superwoman. She even bakes birthday cakes for the neighbors for gosh sakes. But when it comes to sex, everything stops. We are at a complete standstill.
Now I'm optimistic, I know we can get through this. I just don't know how, or what more I can do to help. I sure appreciate the input I'm getting here though.
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
There is no way I would tell my h that he is a lousy lover. I feel bad enough that I said I was bored. I was thinking that I would let my h look at his list by himself whenever he is ready. Maybe he would prefer that we look at it together. It would be wonderful if we could actually talk about it.
I climax nearly every time my h and I ml, but I also can say that very few encounters have been realy good. (I haven't said that to my h and never will--at least not unless I say it in an extremely gentle way.) I think the ones I would say are really good, are the ones that were different. I really liked that he made me climax twice once--even though that was all that was different. Another time he did a combination of a couple things at the same time. That was spectacular. As I said before, it isn't the climax that is important. It's how much fun you have getting there. Focus on the fun stuff. The climax will happen on its own.
Your ???? definitely wouldn't be filled in with handsome. I have no idea what you look like, but I'm sure your w would not base sexual boredom on a lack of good looks. I am sure she finds you handsome anyway. Perhaps any of your other words fit. The word "varied" may also fit. Try a variety of things. Make sure you warm her up with more flirting and romance. And make sure the flirting and romance are just that sometimes--no sex after. Flirting and romance without feeling like you have to have sex makes a woman feel like you find her attractive without feeling like a sex object. I know my h thinks I am attractive, but it means so much more when he shows me in this way.
Do you think your w would be more willing to ML with you if you told her you wanted her to teach you how to pleasure her? Maybe she is having trouble telling you what she likes. That is my problem. It bothers me that I haven't been able to verbalize my sexual desires.
One time, I surprised my h with a date at home when our d had an after school activity. I met him at the door in a sexy dress. We had a candlelit dinner with wine and soft music. We danced afterward and ended up undressing each other. I don't think we had ever undressed each other before. That was a big turn on for me. I wonder if she would consider planning a romantic interlude? You would need to let her set the pace for the whole date.
It also bothers me that I don't know much about what pleasures my h. When I ask him what he likes, he says, "Anything." If I ask him if he liked what I just did, he says, rather abruptly, "It's fine." He is very quiet when ml, so it is difficult to tell whether he is liking what I am doing. I read one of Lou Paget's books about how a woman can pleasure her man. It was very descriptive and had lots of pictures. I tried some of them on my h, but, I couldn't tell if he liked it.
So it sounds like we are in a similar sit. All four of us are a bit inept when it comes to knowing how to pleasure our partner.
Well I won't speak for your H, but I like everything too. I think we men are far more simple. And, if there's something we like we just do it. If we don't like it we just avoid it. Few words are needed, in fact words tend to jam our signals.
Like I said before, my W is completely closed to physical intimacy so setting up a romantic evening is not in the cards, not a chance right now.
Quote:
Do you think your w would be more willing to ML with you if you told her you wanted her to teach you how to pleasure her?
I tried that, and it did'nt change anything.
I was listening to Dr. Laura today and a woman called. She loves her H, had several children and has completely lost any desire for sex. I was surprised at Dr. Laura's response but she advised her to buy a vibrator and get going. So I've done a little shopping for my W and here's a few options. Let me know what ya'll think. Vibrator1Vibrator2 And if you ladies have a chance could you browse some of the other toys and give some input as to which one you'd find fun to recieve as a gift from your H's.
Never in a million years would I have thought I'd be having this kind of discussion. Life sure is funny!
Love,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
Does your w at least wish she wanted to ml? If that is the case maybe one of the vibrators will work. She will have the option of pleasing herself when she wants. And maybe it will make her more interested in sex. I think I would like the pink one better. It looks like it serves a dual purpose.
It is possible that your w will cut back on some of her activities when she is finally ready to start working on your r.
COG, is there any way you can get her off on a total away-from-it-all weekend? or a mini-vacation?
i'm thinking either 1) she's so busy that her life revolves around duties rather than pleasure, and if the mind isn't open to it, then neither will be the body. thus, she needs something to break that cycle, to slow her down for a moment or, 2) she's hiding behind all the duties and doesn't want to break the cycle.
Either case, she needs help and encouragement.
Supermoms are used to expending all their energies for everyone else, and by the time they get in the bedroom, its for sleep and nothing else. A husband's needs and desires are just another 'duty' on her full plate.
it sounds as if you are doing all you can to make her open to sex, being gentle, insistant, reasonable, demanding. she sounds like she needs to rediscover her feminine side, be pampered, relaxed, and to reacquaint herself with her feelings.
Is there anyway you can gift her with an afternoon massage/steam room/facial at a spa? she will think it a total waste of time, but she may surprise herself and enjoy it.
another idea-but one not related directly to sex, is: does she have a regular time-out with herself or friends or even a date night with you, just to get away from the 'mom' role? by date night, i don't mean romantic, but just a night at the movies, theater, museum; whatever she enjoys that has nothing to do with romance...even just a long walk in the woods. does she have hobbies or other things she enjoys that she does regularly? i've learned you have to fill the well to be of use to anyone else and this is Very Important to wives and mothers who have to do for everyone else each and every day. My first m, when the kids were young, I used to be so tired when my H would approach but being a 'good' wife i tried to never say no...unfortunately, the quality was lacking severely and i hate to admit i was soo tired i fell asleep. women are wired to do for others and to put themselves last so sometimes they have to be forced to stop and take care of themselves. IF you think this is her problem, is there a way you can find out what really makes her relax and connect to her inner self, and then to make sure she has time for it? it would be entirely self-less on your part, for you will need to let her know there is no sex involved in this, no 'pay-backs' or expectations on your part, just concern and love for her. If this IS the problem and you can accomplish this, there WILL BE paybacks, let me assure you. jacqm
Yes, definately. She's as frustrated as I am about it. She knows what a great guy I am, what a great R we have, and it frustrates her that she's not able to summon the feelings for sex. She blames it on the past, and tends to believe the desire just died. She loves me dearly, but just does'nt see me in a sexual light. She says that sex has just never been as high a priority for her as it has for me. She knows how important it is to a man, I've tried to explain it many times.
Jacqm,
We've done the weekends away, and there nice, but a little uncomfortable. There's just not a lot of chemistry between us as a couple. We do much better in groups and we have tons of chemistry as co-parents, business partners, dog owners, and best freinds.
I've bought her spa packages, and she uses them. Usually goes with one of her girlfriends. She likes that. She gets a lot of time out of the house. She works out every day, almost never alone, but either with her best girlfriend or in a group. She's VERY social.
Still waiting for more input on the vibrator's! Yay or nay?
Thanks,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I would have to agree on that one, and I am a woman
The reason for me saying that is - vibrators are to "enhance" a couples' sex life (which right now, let's face it, you don't have) All buying a vibrator would do is allow her to please herself, all the more reason not to include you - if you get the drift.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
she might get bent out of shape and offended if you buy her one. the woman needs to get over herself. i know you love her but enough is enough. i personally think she is yanking your chain.have you thought about seeing a sex therapist? maybe she needs to see her own doctor and be checked out for hormones and the other women stuff. this is all part of selfishness.
