CM, I understand the resentment as I have been there myself but look closely at what you have posted. You do not want to bring up R issues because things have been going so well yet you are resentful of him for doing the exact same thing. Perhaps he is sitting there thinking "You know, things are going well but I can't shake this issue that she isn't addressing her lack of desire from before."
Either bring up the issues and take the chance that it will cause a step backwards or be willing to give him the same amount of rope that you are giving yourself.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I think that's a huge part of the big picture: we have to make sure that we don't forget what we have learned through our sitch's and make sure that what was being put on the "back burner" never gets luke warm again.
It honestly takes an effort and that's pretty much how we all got where we are -- someone, whether it was H or W or both, wasn't putting effort into the things that need to be nutured in an M, even through all the daily stresses w/ work, kids, etc., etc.
Bingo. As I've said many times before, some of us are only looking for some effort from our spouse.
Ok I am almost in the opposite position in the form of how she wanted it. At the beginning of our relations 2.5 years, she could not get enough and we didn't have your problem, because I can never get enough of her. She would say things like I was the best lover she ever had etc, etc, etc....she was excited to be with me.... But over the last year she has come more and more withdrawn and NEVER initiates anything.
Things I used to do for her like Massage her body until she fell asleep now gets met with don't touch me. She turns away from me at night when she used to want to snuggle, if she ever kisses me it more of just a peck, no passion....it seems....but in her defense she is having major issues with her daughter, see my post in we're seperated.....
Now as for you wanting it more now, i kind of ran into the same thing with my ex. i was on this board when i was going thru the D.....The one thing Men feel strongly about is when a woman holds out sex, I prefer the words making love in a relationship to sex..... but anyway... When partners withhold intimacy, contact, or sexual contact.... It trigures something in our brain that says your are rejecting us.... and if rejected enough times we start to feel so rejected that we don't want to try, because we are scared of the rejection....
So how do you win this back..... At one point my ex wife was running around with all kinds of guys, while I was at home with the kids, or if I was at work she was still out running around....But the curious thing and its a place where I think you are at....Is if she felt i was going to leave or maybe start seeing someone she would get jealous and try to initiate sex with me, to try to hold me in the relationship. And I assume that is where he is at and the way he may be perceiving this.
You have to be very careful as to not come across as giving up these new sexual favors in hope of saving the relationship. Thats what it would come across like to me... As a male after being rejected for a number of years by someone you love, and her showing no interest... and then all of a sudden you are willing to do anything sexual to save the marriage, makes it seem like you feel all the problems were in regards to sex.... I am sure there are more issues than that.
I would consider if I were you, to find a sitter for the kids... Fix a nice Dinner, his favorite, unplugged the TV and when he comes home, have the dinner, and TALK.... About why your change in heart about Sex.... Ask him point blank whether there is someone else... Basically lay all your cards on the table, tell him why you felt insecure, ask him why is not interested.
Sex does not solve feelings of rejection that have been used over and over again, he needs to feel that there is love and intimacy left in the marriage on a daily basis not just when there is a crisis......
If all I had changed was all of a sudden having more S w/ H, I don't think he would have changed his mind as far as the D goes. But I have made other changes as well in addition to being more intimate and ML more often.
Also, not only have I made positive changes in our R and myself, but one thing that has made a difference is that I have been CONSISTENT with these changes. I have shown H that I am in the M for keeps and mean to put effort into our R along with keeping the house up, taking care of the boys, etc.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Yes but are you doing them for you or for him.... I am going thru the same thing in a way... Very committed to making changes, but girlfriend says we are thru and won't talk.... etc.....
I am really looking at things I have done during the relationship, another Author I don't know if I can use or tell the person but he is on TV....wink wink....Book is "Rescue Relationship"....It makes you really GET REAL with yourself.
I thought I was being honest with myself, until I went thru and worked thru the entire book.. I will be honest I have never been more ashamed of myself in my life, as being so blind to things i was doing to destroy the relationship, and to hurt the person i loved. Although, they were not intentional, I was not a good friend, mate, etc....
But bottom line is what I am hearing from you as well I know as I have a tendency to do the same thing....is well I am making all these changes, and tend to lay them out, "WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THE CHANGES I AM MAKING!!!" and the other person says yeah right heard it before.. I know this is hard, but to be honest you really have to look after yourself right now.....
I have found that even though I am committed to changing, they don't want to hear it, they need to see it as actions speak louder than words, and to be honest with you, they will be looking for any slip, to say see I knew you weren't changing....if that happens you and you alone have to remember that we are all human and everyone slips...
Just remember you can't control anything he does, all you can control is you....Lord knows i have made that mistake way too many times in the past....
Well, ok, whether I'm doing them for myself or for H, I guess at first it was obviously for H, but actually it's for both of us b/c it's for our M!! I can truly look at myself and our M and see why/how, etc. H was unhappy. Not that that in any way excuses that he decided to have A's, but, yes, I have looked very closely at my downfalls & mistakes I have made in the M and am and have been correcting those things and S is just one of the issues.
That's what I meant about consistency. I think at first he was saying "yeah, right, heard it before," but he has seen my consistency and has finally decided to trust me again and take everything at face value. At least I hope that is what he is doing.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
We actually did have a convo last night about ML -- He actually started it and asked me if I could feel it when he "O'd." I said "no." I guess I've never asked this question of anyone -- you aren't supposed to "feel" it are you?
Anyway, I asked him if it was different now that I've had 3 children - if it felt different. He paused for awhile & said no, so I'm not sure if that was a truthful answer.
I asked him if he thought it was taking him longer to "O" b/c of the AD or just b/c we are ML more often & he said b/c of us ML more often.
He was pleased b/c I had bought some more lingerie last night when I went to the store and surprised him.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Quote: ------------------------------------------ Anyway, I asked him if it was different now that I've had 3 children - if it felt different. He paused for awhile & said no, so I'm not sure if that was a truthful answer. ------------------------------------------
Maybe he just didn't know how to respond. He was probably afraid he would hurt your feelings. It was a loaded question.
The truth is likely that it DOES feel different, but that does not mean bad, it could even mean better. It really depends on perception and what he likes.
If you think that you don't feel tight enough for him, then do kegel exercises while he is off on duty. Surprise him when he gets home.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
