personally, I wouldn't facilitate his actions for another minute. However, you are really asking a question that I do not have the answer to. There are people here that are far more experienced than I am.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
Seperate finances now. Tell him what his contribution is to the household finances since he still lives there and figure out your approximate child support amount. My H pays 20% of his income to me for CS for our son. Get your own checking account and or have him get his own.
If you are going to stand for your marriage, tell him you intend to stand for your marriage. Tell him that your commitment and devotion to him are unchanged but given the current situation, you are preparing for the future the best way you know how.
This is what worked for me. Take from it what will fit your sitch.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt. M-42, H-42. M-22yrs, together 27yrs, Sep 5yrs. D-22, S-18 I'm a survivor
Breton, does your husband still live with you? I am no expert by any means, but if he does it is not unreasonable to set your boundary as one that he cannot have OW and still live at home? There are arguements for and against separation, in my case my husbands A was over, but once the truth came out about it we mutually agreed to a trial separation, in fact I helped him find his apt, helped him move, buy furniture etc. We both needed the space and time apart to try and heal from this.
I don't want to play this game anymore....
Me - 47 H - 49 D - 16 S - 11 Bomb - Nov 05 "there is nothing here for me anymore" EA/PA confirmed/over - Aug 06 Sep - Oct 06 Does not want to file for divorce
For those who will be unable to let go otherwise...it may be necessary.
...But Breton,
If MLC lasts an average of 2-7 years...2 being on the SHORT of that average...doesn't a one year afte bomb date seem unrealistic.
Given, it may be the date you need. But please do not expect him to turn around within that frame. What do you need by that time...small or large steps? Because when they begin returning it can be back to the rollercoaster as they retreat in fear and cycle.
But aren't you also looking at this in a negative way...don't most? I CAN'T do this for...
In the beginning this concerned me. I made a conscious decision that I would not give up my Stand. Now as a sidenote, I do believe this can be done with a twist...not give up the Stand until it is clear he will not return rather than until I cannot take it any longer.
To ensure that I stood by my promise to myself...and Sweetheart I sought hypnosis...through a therapist, and self-hypnosis through meditation and affirmations.
But to request mere strength in Standing is not enough. It will not guarantee your MLCer will return. Nothing will do that.
Yet there were additional benefits. I no longer concerned myself as much with time...Oh my concerns were there, hypnosis doesn't remove humanity. But this was not as frustrating an issue for me as it seems to be for most LBSs.
In not worrying about time, I protected myself from cycling toward high expectations with Sweetheart's in and outs. I have been mor relaxed and less fearful, and this has helped me in my responses and reactions.
Standing is a choice...rather than something you can or cannot do consider it is something you will or will not do.
It doesn't make it easy, but perhaps a personal strength in a Stand that is without concern for time can make it easier.
