EA turned PA, Wife on the fence

[2stardog]

My wife dropped the bomb of her marrital dissatifaction back in Nov. of last year. She first told me a married couple, who both work w/her had an arguement and the wife all but accused the husband of having an affair w/my wife. The man warned my wife of the possible repercussions. So, my wife after telling me all this decides to state her unhappiness. I felt very uneasy from this point on but began to focus on things I thought would make a difference. My wife insisted they were just friends. As time went on and I tried desperately to rekindle the fire in my wife's heart, something was amiss. Most affectionate advances were perceived as "smothering"or "fake". I've taken full responsibility for my part in the degredation of our relationship. I only paid attention to her or touched her when I "wanted some" so to speak. I rarely came to bed, staying up late watching ESPN or "taking care of myself" while viewing "adult content" on the net. Then often times I'd fall asleep on the couch. Thinking I was being considerate by not waking her as she is a rather light sleeper. I also have had a history of putting a guilt trip on her for not wanting to have sex.
Recently I've found out through therapy that I've been living w/ADHD and this explains alot of our struggles over the years (13together, 10married) my wife is very strategic in nature and I've always lacked the focus necessary to even figure out what I'm doing ten minutes from now much less tomorrow.
Throughout the course of this ordeal I've increasingley got the feeling there was more to her relationship w/this man than she was letting on. Snooping in her purse(I know, big mistake) I found a Christmas card that I thought rather inappropriate to be giving another man's wife. Nothing sexual, but still disturbing. I accused her of at least having an emotional affair. She insisted they were just "really good friends"(sound familiar?) But she couldn't live under a microscope. She said If I were to snoop again she was out of here. I told her I would respect her privacy. I was a basket case at this point. My faith in her was always strong. I drew from this to make the decision that she was being honest w/me. Late Feb./early Mar. she took a nine day business trip to Atlantic City. There were a couple of days in between events she was to attend. Those couple of days An old girlfriend flew out and met her where they did the usual "sin city" type of stuff which really didn't bother me but the distance was unbearable. When she got back I saw an A.C. phone # w/ a rm # jotted on a piece of mail that I know came in after she got back. I thought "this is odd". So I called the #. "such and such resort and confrence center" the desk clerk said. I told her the room # and she asked If I could verify the guests name. I responded with the name of my wifes "good friend" and she patched me right through. I then hung up. I decided to install some software on my wife's notebook w/ the intent on lifting the password to her personal email account. It worked like a charm.
I got In and found out what I'd suspected was true. The relationship had even progressed to trysts in hotel rooms. At that point I realized just how much I love my wife. I always thought infidelity especially the physical type was a total deal breaker for me. I was mistaken. I know I can forgive her. I can get past this and trust her again if the proper measures are taken. The next evening I waited until the kids (2 boys 6 and 3) were tucked in bed and I confronted her. She vehemently denied the accusation so I responded by handing her a print out of chats I found in her email account trash bin. She was quiet, I told her to listen and she could talk after I was finished. I told her I loved her and that she had a choice to make, Her family or her fantasy. I said I understood that she went outside the marriage because I wasn't meeting her emotional needs. I was going to leave that night but it had gotten late and I was very tired. So I stayed and haven't left yet. I've since been told the rendevouz in the hotel rooms happened only twice locally(they weren't in A.C. at the same time). She said they both realized they'd made a mistake and they stopped the physical encounters. I knew there was more to their relationship than she did. She explained that she was "tricking herself" about the nature of their friendship.
I've repeatedly said that I'm willing to work on this marriage if she is. But I won't if she doesn't have both feet in it "What would be the point"
She said that he didn't cause our problems, to which I've replied,"Well, he's sure not helping us solve them!" I told her in order for us to have a fighting chance all unnecessary contact must be eliminated. I realize there may be some work related contact. But it must be limited to just that.
The funny thing is now she doesn't trust me because I violated her privacy. "In a calculated, semi-evil sort of way" she stated.
All I want to do is keep my family intact and win back the heart of the love of my life. She's my everything. I was so blind not to see how I was treating her and how it drove her away from me and paved the way for her affair.
Do any of you have any suggestions I realize I've already done some DB "don'ts" but where should I go from here? I know we love each other, but are these trust issues too deep?

[Concerned_Listener]

Stardog,
Begin DB from this point on. Is she willing to have a R talk with you? Can you two talk about expectations in the M, and try to fulfill them? Read or review Divorce Remedy by Michelle Weiner-Davis.

You sound like you're willing to change some behaviors that created distance in the M.

CL

[2stardog]

We've talked alot. I told her in the begining of all this that "2 unhappy people comiserating is a very dangerous thing" which proved to be true. We're s'posed to talk within the next day or so regarding what her plans might be... Oddly, we still hold/cuddle with each other every night (I've been sleeping w/her every night since Nov. No more couch time) The confrontation was a week ago tonight. She does care for the OM and he's done w/his wife (eventhough he's yet to leave her as far as I know...) I know he's madly in love w/ her. She said she's not sure she really knows what love is, being able to hurt me like this. But her anger at me for the privacy violation seems to be more than mine for her infidelity. Go figure. Guilt's a very powerful emotion....

[EmtnRllrCstr]

StarDog,

I am sorry that you are here but welcome, you have come to the right place.

I will give you the advice that eveyone has given me. Slow down this sitch will not get fixed over night. GAL, take care of yourself and your kids. Read through these post there is a lot of great advice on this site. Your sitch is similar to mine, read and apply some of the advice the Theoden has been giving me. Take a deep breath try and relax.

As you know you are on a roller coaster ride were we don't know the end. Start looking at yourself, start changing the things that you can to make yourself better. You need to stop obsessing over your life with your W and concentrate on yourself.

Do not beg and plead with her it won't work and makes you look weak - you are NOT. I did this and now see how this made me look, this was not me and is not you. Let your wife see the person that she fell in love with years ago.

-EmtnRllrCstr

[2stardog]

I've given up on begging and pleading. I do tell her I believe we can make our union better than ever with properly applied effort. I have a hard time not telling her I love her. I spent a long time not expressing that fact. I have a compulsive desire to hold and kiss her. Sometimes it's received well, others not. I do need to GAL I suppose. This has become all encompassing to me. It was getting easier and probably wouldv'e been more barerable if the "clues" re: the OM were not permeating. Now that I know the line was crossed, I have no desire to keep tabs on her. In that way my ivestigations and their results have been helpful. I told her what needs to happen for us to continue....We're meeting for a late lunch tomorrow to discuss what she's thinking/feeling. I'm prepared for the worst. So although a bit anxious I'm ready to be non-chalant, DB style on her if I don't like what she has to say. I want her to be happy, But I will not let her have her cake and eat it too....For example: I will not watch our kids as she goes out w/ the OM. Which I know was attempted before the confrontation last week. That put a squash on those dinner plans... Wish me luck, my friends in misery.....

[Heartbroken]

When my H told me the truth 1/6/7 I think he was surprised that I forgave him on the spot and he felt he had to give OW up and try on us. What I did not know then was H gave her up for less than two weeks. They did not see each other but they were back to talking every day/eve. H was fooling himself that he was over her (and fooling me). See my sitch - it seems to have happened so fast yet I was reading these boards from Aug - Feb and did not actually post until 2/9 when I really needed true help. DB'ing can work - but each sitch has its own timeline! Start reading and listening to others out here - we all have been there and you can learn from our mistakes and not waste time going down the wrong paths (which I did a lot)...

[2stardog]

Yeah, I've been very patient. My W even says I've been very gracious on how I've handled the infidelity. I've been mostly calm. I did break down and cry on her the other day. I do get a little needy on her though which I know is counter productive. She needs to be in control and unconciously takes measures to make it that way, She's always felt like she was "rescuing me" me from myself. When we first met I was "a rebel w/out a bank account" I was this "cool/good-looking guy" (which are her words not mine!!) I was looking for a woman of high intelect, and similar values, as well as pleasing to my eye. I got all three!!! Now she's very much a professional woman, While I'm more blue-collar so to speak. But I've been with the same company for 20 years I'm not exactly "unsuccessful". I have made alot of changes that she does acknowledge to be very positive. I'm becoming more "strategic" and "colaborative" which are two traits she currently holds at high value. They are good characteristics overall, so I will continue to develop them regardless of my sitch....

[2stardog]

So my sister in law gave my W some advice "Put your family first for a whole month and see if you're any happier". Some great advice, the problem is my wife's career has too many balls in the air at the moment. Hell, she's "at work" right now (or out w/ the OM for all I know). Things have been better, but she says she's not physically attracted to me and she's not sure why (I think 'cuz she longs for the OM). She needs that "In love can't live with out the other person" feeling(The OM provides a reasonable facsimile of this). I think it's easy to long for some one you've not had even one disagreement with!!! Do any of you remember when you thought "Wow we're perfect together, We never fight." about your R. I remember thinking that. The OM also I heard through the grapevine, moved out of his family home the other day. So apparently, a "Love Nest" awaits if they do choose to fire up the PA again. I'm trying so hard not let my emotional agony cut into my interactions with her. But I do slip up a little too frequently. She's just so damn beautiful to me and always has been. Last night she gave me a totally unsolicited "lip plant" in the kitchen. It made me feel good and I told her so.(w/out seeming to worked up over it). I'm trying not to look anything into what's been happening w/us lately . It does help a bit.