Refresh me on the LRT... do I push the D issue or just agree like this morning when he emailed me stating he was "done" ,a word he used often when the bomb dropped 8 months ago. My response was you were done long ago when you decided to make us into a threesome and I reminded him that I was now able and willing to let him go. I know that he did not like the fact that he had to take the girls to daycare since I was not there for once!
How do you deal w/ H spending time or worse spending the nite @ OW's house?
I guess while I have been "attempting" to detach my H seems to believe that I am now seeing someone too. So, he seems to be punishing whenever I ask him to stay w/ the kids while I run some errands. Today, as I was leaving to go run errands H said "tell him I said hello and I will see you tomorrow". I said yeah, ok as I was backing up the car. Litttle did I know he was serious about not seeing me until tomorrow AND take the kids! I know this b/c he took the kids toothbrushes. Other times when I leave him w/ the kids he has taken them out to dinner w/ her. You see I feel like how can I detach like this????? H started going out and staying out all nite again and like this morning I did not ask where he was or even start a fight. I just carried on the house cleaning and act as if. H also started sleeping in the other room twice this past week, so I thought ok I will show him that I can accomodate him even better..I took his alarm watch out of our room and put it in that room him. When he came in this morning he noticed it and asked why I had done that. I said well, aren't you living in there now? OH, ok and then tried to show like it really didn't bother him and sarcastically said why didn't you plug it in for me?
This will be a first that H takes the girls for an overnite thing..God only knows where they will be. This is what kills me and my one only freind that I can go out w/ will not be able to do something w/ me tonight!! I certainly do not want to be in this empty house tonight!!
I did a no-no (i know) and called left him a message that the kids better not be staying over at his GF house,but then later I called agin and left another message to diregard the last message tha I know I was mean and to make sure they be here early enough for church b/c they have an Easter show. I said I know you could care less about God, but I on the other hand was trying to instill in them some good values which is the opposite of his style of living.
I know you are asking advice from moms which I am not, but, I to constantly ask myslef what is best for the kids. Unfortunately, we cannot control our spouses or atleast have them respond to us respectfully. This rightnow is the hardest thing for me to deal with, I have GW that cannot see truth if it bit her in the a$$. My guess is that your H is the same way rightnow.
I know all the advise that I recieve or have read is easier said then done, but we have to find our strength in God. I have been reading through the Psalms lately and am able to relate a lot to how David was feeling when he wrote some of them.
Can I suggest that since you have no kids tonight that you treat yourself today. Go get yourself a pedicure and then treat yourself to a movie. You deserve some me time. Do not sit in your empty house it will drive you nuts, trust me I know the feeling. Go out and treat yourself. I know that you are having a hard time, your doing great, if your H ever wakes up he will realize how luck he is to have you.
Psalms 37:7-8
37:7 Wait patiently for the Lord! Wait confidently for him! Do not fret over the apparent success of a sinner, a man who carries out wicked schemes! 37:8 Do not be angry and frustrated! Do not fret! That only leads to trouble!
I needed to hear words like that so badly. Thnaks for the scr. I love Psalm 37: 7. I just turned my radio to the christian station which always puts my focus back in the right place. I will not let the enemy triumph over this tonight. The only thing is money is tight right now so I will proably just spend the night at mom's, but before then I will go to books a Million.
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have a thread here too. But I have been brewing over the same sitch. To sum it up, H introduced kids to OW & her D9 two wks ago. I found H's email confirming rsvp for 2 to really shi-shi restaurant this past Friday and I saw his calendar block out time for 12AM TONITE and my S5 told me they are going to grandma's for Easter. I think my H has some pretty good plans with OW this wkend. So I really had a tough 2 wks with all these discoveries.
I realize that it bothers us b/c we are not detaching. It matters to us what our WAS does and says to us. While intellectually, we comprehend what moving on means, our hearts have not caught up to that stage. So it hurts like hell to know that the OW is involved in your kids' lives and that he is blatantly spending time with her.
I think you did the right thing in setting up the boundaries of your home. He knows you love him but if he is doing overnites at her place then he should sleep in other room.
I think the previous poster gave the best advice. Do whatever it takes to detract from the road that you are traveling. Staying in the home alone and tapping on your fingers wondering what H and girls are doing with OW is going to pull you down. If your GF can't go out with you. Just go out to the bookstore or coffee shop and read some magazines. Go see a movie or find an activity to occupy your mind and time for that nite. It is just hard to break the cycle of negativity when you are doing the same things that isn't bringing about changes to your favor. It takes a conscious effort on our part to try and make ourselves "happy" b/c we are still hurt. But it can only help us to GAL b/c if we do it, then we will see, feel, and believe that we can be happy with ourselves and not depend on WAS to gage our happiness.
Me: 36 WAH: 35 S1: 5, S2: 3, D: 2 Married 13 yrs Bomb dropped Nov. '06 H filed D papers Feb. 1, '07 H nows says OW is GF since April '07
How do you keep a smile as your kids return with all the happiness of all that they did w/ her? I feel like all that I said regarding the boundaries went right out the door. So now I am just feeling "dried up". Do you know what I mean? He has been so mean w/ all the verbal abuse and evrything else that I feel like all my love is slowly going away. I guess this makes it easier for me to detach.
Does your H still live at home with you? I wonder if it would be easier if he were to move out. I would'nt have to see him come and go and I coould hide my hurt better w/out him seeing my facial expressions of sadness. Eventhough I think at times I have gotten the actress award at hiding my true feelings. I said my peace and now I feel like nothing I say will make any difference and thats why I will keep or at least try to keep my peace and not say anything at all. How can I go dark? Can you give me any samples? It has got to be hard w/ him still at home.
Those are pointed questions and realistic situations that you are confronting. Yes, I am at my folks for a couple of days a wk. I go back to see the kids for the other half. My H did the whole verbal abuse, cut off all finances, put the kids in daycare, and told me to get out. My H is a control freak and will not give up anything especially $$$ even though he has OW and wants a speedy D. So I know exactly what you mean when you mentioned how your H treats you regarding the fan incident. Meanwhile, you are biting your tongue b/c you are DB but haven't detached.
So being at my folks for part of the time makes it easier for me to not witness all my H's activities as often. I can also avoid his berating. My H isolated me from everyone that he associates with as soon as I found out about OW. He also screens the home phone when I call for the kids and he refused to take my calls on his cell phone (not that I have called him in months). He is also deliberately bad mouthing me for his legal documentation. Therefore, I have decided that my best course is to go very dark.
When I am there to see the kids, he will barely help even if the kids want him and he's at home. When he cooks, it's for himself and the kids and makes sure everything is separate. He has no accountability and comes and goes when he pleases. He makes plans to take kids out and doesn't invite me. So I don't feel it is mentally healthy to continue keeping home like nothing has happened.
It sounds like you still have your H's heart to some degree b/c he is still at home and has not pursued D or separation. I know you want your sanity b/c it is unhealthy to take all the crap that he is dishing out. Know what you will put up with and never sacrifice your dignity or self-respect. Set your limits lovingly. Detaching is the key but I know living together makes it really hard. Have you asked him about MC? Is he still taking care of the bills? Are you a SAHM?
Btw, I am even keeping email to bare minimums. It is pure legal business or regarding the kids. I hope others here can give you some advice about detaching in your sitch. Do you know how he feels about continuing the current living sitch?
Last edited by iluvme; 04/09/0703:00 AM.
Me: 36 WAH: 35 S1: 5, S2: 3, D: 2 Married 13 yrs Bomb dropped Nov. '06 H filed D papers Feb. 1, '07 H nows says OW is GF since April '07
This may help you with detaching while living together. This quote was taken from another poster from LS. You may already be doing some of this. Are you working on GAL outside of H's friends & family too?
Quote: This is the 180's list from Michelle Weiner Davis' Divorcebusting Book:
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow him around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic 23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes I wouldn't implement this until AFTER she refuses compliance. Instead, I'd be fairly cooperative with her right up until Legal Separation. After that, I'd do 180's and let her stew a little. She'll be off balance because she's no longer in charge, and she'll be wondering if you're moving on without her.
180's are best done while you're still in contact. The idea is to be ATTRACTIVE, but not solitious. You're pleasant, you're charming, but you're also doing what you need to do in order to protect your family.
Last edited by iluvme; 04/09/0703:17 AM.
Me: 36 WAH: 35 S1: 5, S2: 3, D: 2 Married 13 yrs Bomb dropped Nov. '06 H filed D papers Feb. 1, '07 H nows says OW is GF since April '07
I am a little slow.. WHat does number 22 mean by not to be overly enthusiastic? I thought thats what a positive attitude is all about?
Well, after hearing all day about how much fun the kids had at OW's easter egg hunt, I decided to make some fun of our very own and I took the girls w/ me to meet my freind at a blues festival. H had stayed in his room all day after we returned from church up until I told the girls to get ready, but they thought we were going to chuckee cheese and so were excited telling daddy. I overheard my tiny telling daddy ( I caught the ending of it) and mommy said she didn't care. I assumed she was responding to the fact that H said I would be probably asking them all kinds of questions regarding their stay at OW and he ahd said he did not care if I knew (this probably b/c I shewed him another A$$ last time for telling them to lie to me). I have noticed H will take the kids to them out of spite especially when he thinks I am going out to see my supposedely boyfreind. I also noticed if I don't go anywhere he ususally stys home w/ us.
I kinds hoping this ends soon one way or the other:( (sigh) just tired...
Ooops.. I did not finish.. when we returned my daughter was showing off her exotic hand made flute from Peru and H said you got that at Chuckee Cheese? No we went to the beach, a festival and H repied "oh, you went to the Jazz festival to see mommy's boyfreind!" I just kept on walikng right in to my room and did not say a word.
Also, before we had left to go the festival H finally said to me Are you going to eat what I am cooking? ( He was actually going to cook!) I don't know why (guil) whenenver he returns from seeing her, he does some nice things for me....
