Hey Stang, our sitch are somewhat similar. My gf didn't have an A but has suffered from depression. She lie to me (for a couple months, 'I'm so happy ect...), and moved out while I was out of town one weekend. You can get my entire story if you would like. We took a seperation, and last week I contacted her. Last weekend was amazing, had a blast, she told me she loved me ect... But now I feel like we are back at square one. I guess my question to you is, did you ever feel like just giving up all together eventhough you know she is the one?? Last weekend she told me that she wants to get married and have babies, which made me so happy. But I just feel like I'm convenient for her so many times in her life. She told me she didn't leave to date anyone else or anything, just need to relieve some pressure that has built up. She said she does want to try again, but wants to make sure its right this time and needs more time. What would you suggest I do? How much time could I possible give her?
Like I said, our sitch are the same and I stubbled across your post and thought I would get your insight. Thanks!
Sorry for missing in action for the past week. Work has kept me really busy for the last week. I have been putting the final touches on a project I had been working on for the past 7 months. Ok, enough about work...
Two Sundays ago, May 5th, the GF and I went out for our nightly walk. She usually goes out on the walks with me, however if she is runs late (30+ min) getting home from work or if she doesn't feel like walking then I still go out for my stroll.
Anyway, during our walk the conversation was going good. I had her sit down on a bench and told her that I had something that I wanted to tell her. In short (and softly spoken), I told her that I due to some of the things that she had said to me in the past and her actions lately that I felt she wanted to tell me something but that she felt that she couldn't open up to me. I reassured her that she could tell me anything and that I wouldn't judge or get angry with her. I also told her that if she had any doubt about moving out that it didn't have to be this way and that we could talk about it.
I kept my conversation short and sweet. She really didn't say anything while I spoke. After I was done, she gave me a hug and said, "Thank you." We then walked back home and didn't discuss the matter any further. Before I went to bed, I reiterated that she could talk to me at anytime. Once again, she hugged me and said, “Thank you.” So far, she has yet to come to me to talk about anything about our relationship.
Since we moved in together, we have been using the dishes her mother gave her. Her mother wanted the dishes back and bought my GF a new set. About a week ago, my GF gave the dishes back to her mom and picked up the new ones. I still have quite a few plates but only a few bowls. Since she brought the dishes home, they have sat in the box in the kitchen. However, she has opened up the box to take a single bowl out to use since the others were dirty. I have been hoping that she would unpack the dishes and put them away as a sign that she planned on staying but that has yet to happen.
Also during this past week, she baked me my favorite cookies (as a belated B-day gift). She has picked me up snacks at the store on her way home. She has brought me snacks back home from her work place. She has been taking showers with the bathroom door cracked open. Also, communication between us has been friendly just as it has been for the past few weeks.
Also, the beginning of last week I made it a point to compliment her, be kind, and help her out with some things that she needed to do. On Thursday I got home from work around 6 pm and she was sleeping on the couch. My dad called me to meet him for a few beers so I changed and went out. I didn’t leave a note on where I went, but I made it obvious that I was at home at some point (doing my 180s). When I got home, she was still sleeping on the couch. However, I noticed that she had awakened at some point and ate another entire roll of Oreos. I went straight to bed for the evening.
On Friday, she had to work until 11 pm. I ended up going out directly after work with some co-workers. I didn’t even stop at home to change nor did I call her to tell her that I would be home late (doing my 180s). I ended up getting home around 2 am and the GF wasn’t there. I noticed that she had come home after work for at least a little bit. Another roll of Oreos were gone. I went straight to bed. I ended up getting up around 4 am to grab a drink. I noticed that at some point in the evening after she got home she ate another roll of Oreos, a cupcake, and a bowl of cereal!
I woke early Saturday morning to do some running around. The GF was still sleeping. I was headed back home around 2:30 pm and figured that I would call the GF to see if she needed anything from the store. Plus, I figured that I should make some type of contact with her since I hadn’t seen her in close to 3 days. I also figured that she would be pretty upset with me that I had been MIA for the last couple of days.
When she answered the phone, she seemed all upbeat and happy to talk to me. Literally, the first thing out of her mouth was, “It’s been so weird I haven’t seen you in three days. Every time I wake up, you are not at home.” It turned out that she was on her way to her mom’s (about 2 hours away) to spend some time with her for mother’s day. She told me that she would see me Sunday evening when she got out of work.
Well, that pretty much sums up the last week. I am a bit confused on how I should act. Her complaints in the past that I felt unappreciated and felt were more like roommates. So I have been making efforts to leave her notes or tell her that I appreciate it when she does something (clean the apartment, buy me something from the store, etc.). I also compliment her when she looks nice and so on.
However, I am also doing things like not telling her that I am coming home after work, not leaving notes on where I am going, and other “mysterious” things. When I do these things I usually do get a reaction of some form out of her. She usually ends up asking me where I went, who I was out with, etc. Also, when I do things that I am certain will really upset her (like not seeing or speaking to her for almost 3 days), I am shocked to discover that these are the times she is the most kind to me!
I am starting to notice a positive correlation between her eating and my actions. When I become mysterious and leave her wondering is when she most often turns to food. Obviously her eating habits worry me but it is somewhat reassuring to know that I am getting a reaction out of her.
I have discussed all of this with my counselor whom I have been seeing every two weeks for the last six weeks. My GF does not know that I am going to talk to a counselor. My counselor feels that I am doing fine but is worried about my GF. He really wants to see me to talk to her about seeing someone. He knows that this is a fine line to walk but he feels that if I word it correctly I may be able to get her to talk to a counselor.
Basically, he wants me to say something along these lines, “I wanted you to know that I really do care for you and that will never go away. I wanted to tell you that I have been seeing a counselor for the past several weeks. The reason that I am seeing someone is because I was not happy with the person that I had become. There were aspects of our relationship that I could have improved upon and been a better partner. I wanted to change my behaviors for the better so that I could apply to the relationships have with people.
I am deeply concerned about some of the things you have told me along with some of your behaviors. I can only begin to comprehend how stressful your life has been over the past several months. I would really like to see you go to speak with someone for your own well being. I am telling you this because I am your friend.”
So what do you guys think? I don’t know when I am going to bring this up. The timing will have to be perfect.
I need some more advice. My buddy is getting married out of state (about 9 hours away) the second week of June. I would be staying out of state for 3 days and 2 nights. I would really love to have my GF come and think it would be a great opportunity to spend some time together. However, I have yet to ask her. I was thinking about asking her within the next day or two. Basically, I am going to tell her that I would like her to come to the wedding with me as my guest. Thoughts?
Sorry for the last two posts being so long! I need to start updating you guys more frequently
It sounds like the mysery might be working as she is wondering what is going on and is acting interested.
I don't blame you for worrying I would too.Try not being Mysterious all of the time(no contact for 3 days) as it does seem to effect her eating patterns. Sounds like just what you are doing is working, you are doing great! Maybe writing her a letter and telling her she can write one back instead of talking in person might help. Concerned Listener gave me that idea and it worked for me.
My H said he wants me and loves me and soon i will be moving to piecing although I'll stay for a bit just to make sure.
You are doing so good. Keep up the good work it sounds like she is starting to show baby steps. JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
I don't blame you for worrying I would too.Try not being Mysterious all of the time(no contact for 3 days) as it does seem to effect her eating patterns. Sounds like just what you are doing is working, you are doing great! Maybe writing her a letter and telling her she can write one back instead of talking in person might help. Concerned Listener gave me that idea and it worked for me.
jak58,
The no contact for 3 days was by pure chance. I didn't plan it out that way. However, like I said, I was shocked to hear her say that it was weird because she hadn't seen me in three days.
This has to be one of the hardest things that I have ever gone through. Sometimes I feel like I am walking on egg shells and other times I just go with the flow. It is so tough being in limbo not knowing if and when she is moving out. She originally told me that she planned on moving tbe first week of April. Obviously, it is now the middle of May.
The one thing that worries me is that the girl she is supposed to be moving in with graduates from college at the end of this week. I am assuming the "plan" was to move in together once her friend graduated. However, my GF has said NOTHING to me about when she intends on moving. It sucks coming home from work wondering if I will find packed boxes by the door.
Sometimes I also feel that I am being too much of a hard*** when it comes to being mysterious...not leaving notes or telling her I am going somewhere. While it does usually make her curious, sometimes I fear that it is going to push her away.
Since she felt that she didn't receive enough attention, I am making efforts to compliment her and at times go out of my way for her. For example, she was taking her car to my uncles this morning to have her radiator looked at. She has also had a headlight out for about a week now.
So yesterday after I got out of work, I picked up the headlight for her. I knew she wouldn't think of it and I didn't tell her I was picking it up. When she got home last night, she was surprised to find it on the kitchen table. She softly told me "Thank you" a couple times for picking it up for her. Granted it wasn't flowers or anything like that but it showed that I was listening to her when she told me that she needed a new headlight and it also showed I was thinking about her.
However, I am afraid to be "too nice" and have her think that I am smothering her. I don't think I have walked this fine of a line in my life. I also sometimes question if I am reading too much into the small things that she is doing and saying.
Well, if she is in a good mood after work I plan on telling her that I would like it if she would be my date to my friends wedding. I will let you know how it goes!
I think you are right in saying it is the hardest thing you have ever gone through, it Really was for me! still is at times.
As long as you are lovingly distant (and it sounds like you are) then don't worry about not leaving notes and being mysterious as long as you limit it a bit so that she doesn't think you are moveing on, but that you can live without her. Even if she does move out do not give up as she still seems to be interested in you.( it's not over until the fat lady sings) ; And just because she moves out doesn't mean it's done.
One thing i learned when i did that was that my H became more interested in what was going on with me. That showed me that he really was still interested in a R. It sounds to me like you GF is to .
You are being her friend and that is great you are listening and responding but not demanding and im'e sure she sees this. Baby steps remember.
Try keeping a journal of what baby steps have happened and also what has not worked and look back to check progress.
Try not to read anything into what she says and does as it makes things harder on you just take it as something nice at the time(easier said than done!).
I wish you the best of luck on the date to the wedding!
You are right it is such a fine line and i think when everything is said and done we are much better people than ever before in the end, and will be wonderful partners for whoever may be in or enter our lives from here on out.
You are doing a great job in my book.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Tuesday night the GF got home from work around 10:30. Her and I went for a walk outside for a bit and she seemed to be in a pretty good mood. When we got back from our walk, I brought up my friends wedding. I said to her, "Dave's wedding is on coming up in a few weeks and I would like if you would be my date." A little surprised, she said, "Sure." Since we would be staying a few days out of state, she said that she would need to check to see if she could get a day off of work. She told me she would check with her boss the next day (which was yesterday).
My GF is the bridesmaid in her friends wedding. When we were still together, she asked me if I would go to the wedding. Of course, I said yes. Then a few weeks later, she told me that her mom was no longer going to go to the wedding and since I wouldn't know anyone there, if I didn't want to go it would be OK. I responded with something like, "OK. If that is the case, I am not sure if I am going to go or not." A week or so later is when we had our fall out and she never brought up me going to the wedding again.
Anyway, after saying yes to going to my friends wedding (she knows my friend and some other people that will be there), she told me she would have asked me to her friends wedding but since I wouldn't know anyone there and that she would be doing the bridesmaid thing she didn't. I responded with, "It wouldn't bother me that I wouldn't know anyone there. Plus, I would really like to hear you sing at the wedding." She then said that she would talk to her friend about me coming to make sure it wouldn't be a problem. The wedding is only two weeks away. Before I went to bed that night, I said to her, "Thank you for coming to the wedding. It really means a lot to me."
I wake up yesterday feeling good about her saying yes to coming to the wedding with me. I am starting to feel better about the situation in general since we are spending more time together, getting along, and she hasn't made any comments about when she is moving out. Maybe things are turning!
Then last night she didn't come home. I knew she was getting out of work early at 6pm and was going to go out with some people from work afterwards. However, her not coming home at all last night and staying somewhere else bothers me. Especially, when things went so well with inviting her to the wedding the night before.
Try to act as if. let her see you happy and detached you are. Go out one night with friends and keep up your babysteps. She may be a little nervous about things getting to close but as long as you keep doing what you are i am betting that things will turn.
Please be patient as that makes all the differance in the world. Don't let her see you anxious about the sitch. the more you step back just a little the more she seems to step forward.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
The night she didn't come home was Wednesday night. She told me the night before (the same day that she said she would go to the wedding) that she was going to see her mom and pick up her bridesmaids dress (which is about 2 hours away) on Thursday. She said she was going to stay with her mom to visit and be back home either on Friday or Saturday.
It just bothers me that she didn't come home Wednesday night and then I won't see her again until Saturday or Sunday. I usually go out with friends on the weekend so I won't be just sitting around for her to walk in the door on Saturday.
She hasn't pulled this "not coming home" thing in close to a month and a half. Plus the last time it happened, she text messaged me the next day at work and apologized stating she had a bit too much to drink the night before and stayed at a friends house because she didn't want to drive.
I am really upset that there has been no contact at all since Tuesday night when I asked her to go to the wedding. I know that I don't always tell her where and what I am doing but at least I come home at night so she is aware of the fact that I am alive and fine. Also what burns me is that she is aware of the fact that I need to let my friend know ASAP is she can get off of work and is coming to the wedding. Now, I probably won't get an answer until Sunday night.
Don't worry....I am not going to contact her while she is out of town to find out if she can go to the wedding or not. Nor am I going to mention anything to her about not coming home or letting me know sooner if she is attending the wedding. I will just continue to play it off like it doesn't bother me.
