This is probably a trivial thing, but it made me feel really bad today, so, I thought I could share it.
H forwarded an email ad to me today that I used to get on our home email account. He had a new email id. The cable provider changed, so he probably had to get rid of 'our' email id and get a new one. I'm sure OW is pleased, because the old one was sort of generic, but specifically referred to the two of us, not by name. I haven't used 'our's because he had the password, and the computer. I guess, if he had chosen a different id, I might be happy and see it as a good sign. But, his new ID, has the name of the town he lives in with OW. So, that would seem to mean he sees it as his permanent address. I hate the name of that town. I even hate that when I watch weather.com, that town has now been added to the radar map. So, now I have to see it whenever I see the weather.
H did not even add a personal msg to the mailing, like to say, 'I thought you might want this link, to change it to your email id'. I almost didn't open it, because of the topic, I thought it was junkmail. But, the short name of the sender showed up as H first name, so I opened. I'm guessing it was his way to tell me he had a new id. But, why would he do that? I never sent mail to ours. I didn't use ours, he did.
I'm trying to figure out if he used that mailing as an excuse to give me the new email. Or, is it to show me that he plans to stay in that town? Or, if for some reason, he now thinks I want that link.... it was for a cooking magazine. I used to cook gourmet dinners for us all the time. It was the only thing I can say I was passionate about, and pretty good at. Now, I rarely cook anything more complicated than egg salad!
Funny how the tinest thing like this, can cause anxiety and pain, and ruin a perfectly good stay-in morning.
I was just setting up a bill payment and thought I'd quick jump on (it's bed-time so not for long) and saw your post of woe and just had to post back. About what you said: . . . OR, is it remotely possible that he had to change the e-mail and wanted you to have it b/c it's a means of contact between you but he just didn't want to make a big deal about it and have you read something hopeful into that?? I mean hello, why does everything have to mean something bad? You guys still have contact and no one's filed for D yet, doesn't that mean anything?
In real life of course it is absolutely POINTLESS to try to get inside his tiny little brain and analyze why he does anything. For all you know he did this w/o a thought, just like any guy would -- "Doo dee doo, oh yeah, gotta send out my new e-mail address to everyone in my address book" kind of thing -- he might just regard this as "housekeeping" and might not have attached any significance to it -- and here you are putting yourself into a tailspin over it. Yeah it could be an intentionally cold "message" to you but frankly I doubt it and DEFINITELY it's not worth all the analysis! So let's stop thinking about this and get back to once's Life Already in Progress. What'd ya do this weekend? If nothing, what're ya gonna do this week that's fun, eh?
You do make me laugh. You are probably right on the ..."Doo dee doo, oh yeah, gotta send out my new e-mail address to everyone in my address book". He'd have no clue that seeing that town name would bother me, or why, unless I pointed it out to him. And then, he'd think I was to sensitive.
I did see him this week, for him to give me our tax forms. He actually used the word 'we' for the first time in 4 yrs, in telling me that 'we' did well at putting money away this year(for retiement). It was so wierd... we are saving together, for what?.. our individual retirement lives, apart?
After that, as he was leaving, I reached up to turn his face to the side, because I was noticing how many wrinkles he had gotten. He flinched away. I think he thought I was going to kiss him. But since that wasn't where my brain was at that moment, I continued on with my train of thought, and said 'wow, you are getting wrinkles'. I think it caught him so off guard, he laughed, and walked away laughing. It felt so good to make him laugh.
I sent an IM later saying that wrinkles gave guy character... to which he responded, something to the effect that he would accept that he was a character. Before that msg made it from his computer to mine, I'd sent a little icon with three little animated smiley faces, holding up cards that said '10', wiggling their little legs under their chairs. I'd call that e-flirting!
Anyway, you were right, I was wrong. I did take my first class on the table saw and chop saw. wow, the power! it's cool!
messed up big time... I'm so mad at myself. I was having a sad morning. H came to pick up his mail in my office. (I brought it in, he didn't ask for it... but, I'd lost an insurance bill in the pile, and his ins was cancelled.) It started out fine, but he was starting to leave, and I wanted him to stay, and the only thing on my brain was how much I missed him. So, of course, I had to say it. H actually said 'i don't want to have this convo' and I continued, 'you may not, but I.. blah blah blah. '. I talked about how big our house is, how much work it is, and and how sad to be here without him. So many memories. I said I missed us and him. I may have even said I loved him, which I'd stopped telling him, because he knows, and doesn't need to hear it. I asked if he was happier than with me. There were no tears while he was there, just glassy eyes, and quivering chin. You know how it goes. Someone please smack me in the head with a 2x4. How may others have I said this to: 'To our Hs, if they only see us once every 6 mo, and each time we ask those questions, to them, it's like it's all we ever talk about!!! And, if we can't control it now, how can we control it if Hs come back. On the bright side, I did NOT specifically ask anything about OW. Just about his happiness. I have done very well at not mentioning OW. That's at least some progress, .. at least to me. I don't know if he noticed.
I just hope I have not pushed him over the edge, making him feel so bad because I feel bad, that he makes the move I don't want him to...thinking he's helping me. It's been so long, but, I need to find some more patience from somewhere.
I did take my motorcycle out for the first ride today. It felt really good.
No 2x4s needed, you've whacked yourself already! What can you do. Sometimes, reading what LBS go thru whose WAs live nearby and see them from time to time, I wonder how I'd react in that kind of sitch. I think I'd probably have found it a lot harder to detach, at least w/o going real dark and going out of my way to avoid him. So I guess I'm not surprised that this would happen.
I have a suggestion. Do you ever visualize interactions w/ H and think about what you'd say or do during them? IOW, practice saying things? I sometimes find myself doing this in the a.m. when I'm getting ready for the day, thinking about upcoming meetings or discussions about work or other issues that might be sticky, sort of working out ahead of time things I might think about saying. I wonder if that might help you -- practicing (to yourself). I think for example maybe next time he comes by you should just paste a smile on your face, say "Oh hi, would you just lock up when you go, I have to go out" and leave -- have your excuse ready beforehand (meeting someone, getting your teeth whitened, going to check out a local thing like a free art show or something, whatever -- something you can do at the spur of the moment). If you don't want to actually leave, alternatively you can go off somewhere and immerse yourself in some little project. I'm not saying to act coldly, just brisk and cheerful and busy w/ your life.
Try to move on from this and not get too hung up on cause and effect of it. He's going to do whatever he wants and more importantly, he was going to do it anyway. Beating yourself up b/c you think you caused him to do or not do something is a real waste of time.
One thing I think this incident points out is how much you need to get your focus off him and onto you. You've made taken some great steps toward that but need more. I know it's hard when you're in this truly limbo stich but that means you need to work a little harder at it. I'm so glad you enjoyed the class and your bike. Do more stuff like that. Step by step you will find yourself and grow to love that person -- that's when what he's up to won't bug you so much. I promise you will feel better if you can just do this (and I think you can!).
You are so right. I have done that at other times, but this time, I was really busy, and tired, and just didn't have the energy to think about what to talk about, and I didn't think he'd stay more than long enough to pick up his mail. (it was at work, not home). In the past, when I knew when he was coming, I made a conscious effort to set this all aside, and just be happy to be in the same room with him. And, I'd had a while to sort of prepare mentally, and emotionally. This time, I thought he was coming the day before. I'd taken special care on my hair and outfit, and he didn't come. So, I was also emotionally deflated and disapointed. That didn't help my attitude.... and that's how it got out of hand.
There were other things in the conversation, that were actually almost hopeful, which contributed to my being so mad at myself. For one, H said something like he wanted was to be alone. He'd said this before he left to live with her too. Maybe, that means things are no longer as good as he had anticipated.
The more I thought about the conversation, besides all of my blabbering, something else was almost said, by H. While I don't know what it was H was about to say, I sure wish he'd have finished what he started to say. I can't remember the exact words... but it was something like: 'one thing that would have to...' and then he stopped. I have no idea what he was going to say. Of course my brain has been compiling a list of possibilities... different financial arrangement, never to mention OW, something I do that he hates, ... maybe he knows about this bb and wants me to never post... I have no idea! But, you can imagine my imagination!
It was like the very teeny tinyest indication that just maybe, he had thought about us being together again, but he still needed more time, and has some concerns. And, that's a start, right? So, I am still hopeful at the same time as feeling really bad about the things I said.
So, back to backing off, and leaving him alone, as he has said he wants. I'm sure OW is not doing that. So, maybe its something I can give him right now, that OW can't, or won't. Thanks so much for your suggestions Karen. I really appreciate them.
In the meantime I thought of another idea, which is to lightly toss off a comment next time you see him along the lines of "Geez, sorry I was in such a MOOD last time -- turned out I was coming down w/ a cold" or something like that, kind of in a laughing way -- then go do something else. OTOH he might not even remember the incident so you might not want to bother.
I tend to be an analytical type person myself so I recognize another when I see one. I have to warn you not to try to read ANYthing into that partial phrase he left hanging. Please don't set yourself up for disappointment this way. Couldn't he just as easily have been about to say something about filing, for instance? I'm not saying that was it at all, just pointing out that you have NO idea and NO way whatsoever to know what he was possibly going to say -- plus remember if he's in MLC mode he may not have meant what he was going to say anyway, or even if he meant it that day, he might not the next. My point is, this kind of analysis is a waste of time. And if you let your expectations get out of hand they can be your worst enemy.
ITA you need to give the guy some space. Maybe part of that is giving yourself a break so you can be more relaxed around him. Don't worry so much about your hair and outfit on days you expect him. If you focus on being the best once you can be and looking your best FOR YOU every day, you'll be ready when you need to be, right?
