DB Coaching any good?

[SpeedWagon]

I know the book is. But how good is the coaching? Share your stories here.

[25yearsmlc]

I found the DB coaching as helpful, if not more so, than regular pro-M counselling. It is solution focussed, not "What was MLC's childhood like?" Also, they give you an action plan if you want it, with specific and helpful things to do/say. That helped me greatly, b/c I needed to keep my eye on what the goal was, in all I said and did. Yes, I wish it cost less. But out here, mc costs plenty too. In fact, I think it costs less to do the DB coaching if you get 3 sessions, than 3 sessions with a clinical psychologist/mc. At least out here. Give the call "screener" as much info as you can for the selection but be brief. Also, when you do have a session, PLAN AHEAD about what your main concerns and questions are. Use the time wisely. Get some "retorts" or answers you'll carry with you for the hard times that come, and learn to keep your eye on the destination.
j-

[SpeedWagon]

25yearsmlc,
Has DB Coaching helped your situation? Have things improved now? And how many sessions have you attended so far?

[SpeedWagon]

I have only had 1 reply on this and haven't heard of anyone undergoing improvement in their Marriages. Any brief input would be appreciated.

[Rollercoasterider]

Speedwagon,

I cannot answer you about the coaching--I have not utilized it.

But if a person with an MLCer uses the coaching in the beginning of the MLC it will not change the MLC timeline. Thus improvements won't come for a few years.

You may notice initial look backs and renewed iterest...but that is common to anyone using good DB...and the MLCer still gets worse even as the spouse DBs well.

The coaching and DB are as many say...for you...but in regards to your marriage they set a foundation. DB now in the beginning to set a foundation for now and for a later return.

NO MATTER WHAT you cannot speed up or stop MLC once it has started. If you yank an MLCer back out the front of the tunnel, they will have a worse crisis later--or perhaps right away.

HUGS,
RCR

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Speed and RCR,

I disagree R, b/c for me, DB totally changed my attitude and approach to my sitch. That changed my M for the better. I honestly believe that if I had not read the books AND gotten the DB coach, I'd be divorced by now.

See, I needed to hear someone "professional" tell me HOW to stay M to my MLCer AND NOT feel like a doormat. I needed "an action plan" with specifics, and I got them. R, you are right as far as the idea that we just cannot control others. We only control ourselves. But I think that the changes in me, my new found confidence as a woman, DID push the H a bit, into realizing we'd be "done" without some changes on HIS part. I think H realized -when I lost my anger (in front of H) and GAL, that I am indeed a good catch and he'd lose me if things didn't improve. And he'd lose the whole "family" idea, and our children's lives would go on, without him for the most part. DB coach helped me to GAL and THAT made me happier and ready for whatever came in the M.

I cannot "PROVE" that H and I are on track for this reason of course. And really, it could have happened anyhow. But once I really detached, and GAL, within just a few months, (in the last 21) my H changed his tune. yes, other factors existed, to be sure. So, maybe the DB did not save my M. But without it, I would not be married now, imho. Make sense? I had a feeling, and so did Vernetta, that H would either be a jerk forever or make a change and we predicted it'd be by his 50th birthday in October, if not sooner. I felt I'd know one way or the other, by then, with Christmas as my deadline. But It began on 9/9/06 when his calls changed dramatically and then I surprised him on his birthday and it was a very good idea of mine. H returned for 2 weeks at Christmas and I'll move up there after d18 finished HS here. Mixed feelings? yep. But I'm willing to jump in the water again, b/c I know I'll be okay, whatever comes. I did not know that when H left. It was terrifying and I am not so afraid anymore. If he hurts me again, (I mean, BIG hurt, not small issues) I'll minimize the damage b/c I'll be gone.

I have had 9 sessions I think. The first 3 changed me, although I needed reinforcement for those changes. The latter ones helped me do some of the logisitics, and kept me focussed, working on forgiving. I will have another 3 at least, b/c I need to know how to move foward with a "plan" for my M. I need to keep from backsliding and to recognize signs of deterioration in the R, and what is fair to expect or request of the MLCer. Like even though I want to forgive H, and have started to, it is not unreasonable for me to expect him to demonstrate his commitment to US and new priorities on his part. But we have to balance that with not holding things from the past, over his head forever. We both want to move on. But he knows I cannot/will not deal with any of this poop again. I'd walk and not look back and DB coach gets that and agrees. I needed her (DB coach) to validate that b/c I want to keep from being punitive and we have to stay vigilant with things like that, as LBSers. And H knows I DO feel the need for many reassurances, without being super needy.

As H says, he "owes me big time" and "wants the chance to pay me back", to which I say, AMEN. Hope this helps. BUT I think we know that for some of us, the MLCer won't wake up in time, if at all. Still, the DB helps us to move forward, GAL, but perhaps other resources could accomplish the same. It is VERY important to remind yourself that no matter what, you DO have to GAL. Whether that itself makes you more attractive to your WAS (it will even if they don't come back, b/c the WAS/MLC does notice what we do, far more than we realize at the time) is not the point. It's about being happy/content with whatever comes, making the best of it. I believe that I can be happy with or without H, but it took me awhile to get here. I feel you ought to either get one session with a DB coach (it is not that much of a financial risk, considering what divorce costs) or buy a Pkg of 3 and see if you feel a connection. I have Vernetta as mine, but I've heard great things about Chuck and Laurie as well. Don't know others.
Good luck.
j-

[25yearsmlc]

PS

RCR has a great point about MLCers who come back too early and without any conditions. Sometimes just waiting a bit, really examining things, and waiting helps the R to work. There is such a thing as the MLCer just yo-yoing and it benefits no one to allow that. Time yields clarity, hopefully.

I believe 2 things are needed to reconcile successfully. First, you both have to identify each person's role in the problem(s) and be willing to change those behaviors, and second, you both have to forgive each other in order to move on in your "new" M.

Much much easier said than done, btw. But worth it, I hope.
j-

[SpeedWagon]

Thanks 25yearsmlc. I know if I was back together again with my spouse the first program I would be putting to use is what I bought from http://www.lightyourfire.com
Amazing material. It felt like a 100 DB Coaching sessions put together but only works if you're at an arms length of each other.
For now I will stay with the books and the DB Coaching.
If anyone else has any say it would also be much appreciated.

[Rollercoasterider]

I disagree R,

With me? I'm confused...because I didn't see any disagreement?

Maybe I'm misunderstanding.

DB'ing should change you...it does change you.

DB'ing is our marriage and self saving strategies. It just doesn't stop the crisis. It helps us to accept the crisis...and sometimes understand...or at least understand that we will not understand.

HUGS,
RCR

[25yearsmlc]

Hey R,

just saying I think changes in us CAN cause or help or trigger changes in the R and the other spouse. I think my H had a MLC and was selfish, etc. Don'tknow how long it would have lasted. But if it lasted much longer than it did, I'd be out of the M. For me, DB coaching was the catalyst for my changes and then the R's changes...and eventually H's. We are by no means "done" working on the M. I even fear posting in DB Busted forum b/c of just being wary. But many things brought us closer. I just feel that the one single factor that most helped ME, and then the rest, was the DB coach I had.
j-