This is my first post and really my first time visiting this site. I bought the book Divorce Remedy yesterday and hope that it will help. I am a Christian and put my hope and expectations on Jesus Christ. Now the rest of the story.......
I have been married for over 7 years and have two beautiful girls(2yr,5yrs). For the last year I have felt the wall go up between my wife and I. I made some feeble attempts to bring down the wall but I'm now on this site so things got worse. Unfortunately, all my efforts were for not and my wife got involved in an emotional affair with a guy she works with. The thought of my wife sharing and being with this SOB makes me sick.
She is constantly battling in her mind the want to talk with the OM and knowing that it is immoral. She and I are in counseling, but not together.. she doesn't want to do anything to reconcile our relationship. She has told me a few times now that she doesn't want to spend the rest of here life with me.(ouch) And that she doesn't love me and doesn't think she ever did. She is also saying that this is not about the OM and that she doesn't love him, and that she needs to find herself.
Through all this a lot of her past history has been nudging its way into our marriage. She was sexually assaulted as a teenager and feelings that came with that event came into our marriage bed....I now see that this was an event that she ran from and never dealt with but it is causing her to look for comfort outside our marriage. And now it looks like it may end our marriage.
There is a lot more to the story but I don't want to be to winded on my first post....I love my wife dearly and want my marriage to work but at this time she doesn't want anything to do with me our our marriage.
I should probably give some more details......This situation has been going on for 3 months now and seems to be going in the wrong direction. My wife currently is disassociating herself from me...She is working all the time and it is to the point were I go days without seeing her. When she is working she is in the presence of the OM. And I should point out that the OM is currently leaving his wife and 2 kids. Not only is this situation destroying my home but another. Our family wants our marriage to work...her mom, dad, sister have told her that she needs to stay and fight...but the rebellious spirit of my wife does not want to....She doesn't feel our marriage, our family is worth salvaging.
How do I handle a walk out woman? One that is involved in an emotional affair? One that shows no signs of remorse? One that shows now signs of wanting to reconcile?
I know that I had my part in getting our marriage into the state that it is/was, but I had no idea of this Mountain that I am now trying to climb.
...my part in our marriage getting to the point were she feels that she can never become emotionally connected to me is that I am reserved and do not make my self vulnerable. I learned at an early age that it is easier to keep to oneself then it is to open up and get hurt. C has helped me learn this about myself. My wife on the other hand is the type of person that will not let circumstances dictate her life. She is a strong person and really has not let me make many decisions in our marriage. As you can see a recipe for were we are at today.
I started to read the divorce remedy yesterday and now have some small goals(at least I hope they are small).
I have been out of town for the last few days and have not initiated an contact with my wife accept to talk to my kids....Sorry I saw Biff (from Letterman) the other day and called to tell her that story. Other then that she has been calling me once to twice a day. Most of the calls were to let my 5 year old talk to me. But when I talked to her I acted "as if" and noticed that she wasn't as cold.
She spent the night at her parents the other day with the kids and mentioned to her mom that she was surprised that I did not call her. Good sign I hope.
She told me yesterday that she is going into work this morning... I hope the OM is not there.... but I cannot worry about that anymore. I also stopped checking her phone calls this week, I didn't realize that my snooping was making matters worse. But it was the snooping that brought the EA in the light and probably prevented it from becoming a PA.
I do not get home until late tonight and tomorrow I go see my C. I am hoping that the time apart this week gave her the space that she was seeking and hopefully I can keep a PMA and keep acting "as if". I'm trying my best not to pressure her at all.
Question: Does the cloud in my wifes head ever lift?
She cannot see the impact this is having on our 2 girls. She thinks that she is strong enough that she will not let a divorce effect them. They are resilient she tells me and life is going to throw things at them and they will need to learn how to deal with it. Why do we need to throw one of lives worst situations at those precious girls...... I'm still hoping and praying...
I can relate. My W is invloved w/OM who is leaving his 2 kids and pregnant wife. She is constantly calling him, it started as EA and more than likely gone PA. I wish I had some good advice for you, there are plenty of good people here, with very good advice. Do your best to listen and make the changes you need to do for yourself. I haven't been able to do that, but you sound like you have the strength. Good Luck.
I heard from my wife about an hour ago and our conversation was pleasant... I am a bit confused.... Our kids are at my parents so she can enjoy sometime alone. She was actually waiting to get a pedicure when she called. It is nice to hear her being normal, but, hard at the same time. When it comes to us there is no talk of us. When we do talk about our relationship she is saying that "She doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with me and that she made a mistake 7 years ago marrying me". Ouch.... I am trying to not pressure her at all and work on myself. Actually I have been working on myself for the last month. I'm just now stopping the I love you, TM, emails, etc..... Not that my M has improved, because I don't think it has, but my wife doesn't seem as cold because of me stopping the pressure. I love my wife and family dearly. I pray that this emotional affair stops and that my wife realizes that our relationship is worth salvaging.
My oldest daughter is going to be turning 5 in a couple of weeks. Does anybody think it is strange that my wife is buying my daughter a puppy? Neither of us has ever owned a dog let alone train a puppy. Is my wife saying something by getting a dog... Or am I trying to read into something that has no message?
Question: Does the cloud in my wifes head ever lift?
I can relate with you. It has been almost 2 years of dealing with my H and the OW and the cloud still hangs over/in their heads.
Keep trying though. Don't give up even if it seems hopeless. And I had that panic feeling all the time. Keep busy and keep positive. Think that this is only temporary and something you must go through to make it better and it will help you through it.
You seem to think like me, that it is worth it. It is not easy. Sometimes I feel like I am down on my knees scraping the bottom of the barrel. It is gut wrenching alot. The DBusting brought my H home, though. I am still Dbusting and think I see baby steps. It's just that it seems as though, well probably is, you are doing everything and they are not, well at least not at first. I see my H starting to come around just a little. But hopefully, little by little will turn into something big. I still feel defeated, which was my post yesterday and today, but I am just having a down day or two. "It's the emotional rollercoaster".
So don't give up. I got the "I love you, but not like I used to" famous line. Didn't even want to spend any time with me. Was with OW 90% of the time when I got 10%.
I just got back from my trip and my family is not home.....Were are they you ask it is late in Chicago your girls should be sleeping shoudn't they? Well my wife brought one of her girl friends into her ER and it sounds like it was a good thing she did.... Did I mention I dislike my wifes work? Anyways the other night it dawned on me of when the emotional disconnectedness started. It was when she became good friends with the girl she brought to the ER tonight. Not that their friendship is bad... it really is good, but, that is when my wife stopped confiding in me. And what do you know her girl friend got a significant other my wife did not have her to confide in. Not that we didn't have communication issues but I am really starting to see the chain of events. I'm still not sure how this helps me though.
It was great seeing my 2 girls last night before they went to bed. Because of their late night they a still asleep upstairs.
My wife is currently at work and she works again tomorrow night. She does what she can to avoid me and the sitch that we are in.
Since I have pulled back: no just because phone calls or emails, not talking about our relationship, not talking about the afair, and trying to work on my own happiness witout her, I have noticed she is a little more relaxed around me. The tone of our conversations is pleasant. She can actually look at me. Unfortunately our talk is very shallow.
I hate this...I hate this....I hate this....I want my wife back..
I have a WAW involved in an EA that is on a path of self discovery in which I do not fit. I feel so freakin helpless. When all is said and done I want to be able to look my girls in the eye and say that daddy did his best. As you can tell I am a little down rightnow. Maybe I should take one of my wifes happy pills ;-)
The crazy thing about all this is that everything that my wife has ever said that she has wanted is sitting under this roof. To be honest I meet the OM and talked to his wife about a month ago ..... he is the exact opposite of what she has ever looked for in a guy. But for some reason that SOB was able to connect with my wife in a way that I couldn't. Now I just need to get a chance to connect with her again in that way and all the other ways we have connected through the years.
