Getting past hurt feelings?

[mepicurus]

Can anyone shed some light on how their spouse got over hurt feelings left over from the unsuccessful parts of their marriage?

My wife often speaks of how she "can't get past" the hurt she suffered, which makes coming back to the marriage fearsome.

Her hurt centers on feeling to be in my shadow and not having her voice heard, as well as not receiving a loving welcome from my parents.

I've been trying to show her how these things will not be a problem (by my actions), and she says she "believes me," but what she calls "the deep hurt" won't permit her to recommit.

Any helpful advice? Books? Types of therapy?

[RedHeadWife]

Please someone answer this question!!!! My H is saying the same thing. No matter how much I apologize or tell him that I have always truly loved him and never meant for him to be hurt, he is still so very ANGRY and can't seem to forget. He seems to be so afraid that "things will go back to the way they were" after awhile. I have tried to tell him I have learned my lesson!!!!

[Jen_Jam]

Yes - patience.
I am assuming you are both LBS's?
When my H decided he didn't want to walk off without trying it took MONTHS AND MONTHS of me DB'ing my little butt off.

Read the Divroce Remedy (again if you have already). WAS's really don't believe our changes are for real, all we can do is be consistent and patient. Forcing any issue won't achieve much usually.

This is why as well it's very important to GAL. Yes at first it looks a good way to get the interest of a WAS and it IS that but also it's an outlet for us LBS's. DB'ing can be DRAINING and we need something for US.

I remember when I'd be out and about, GAL'ing. it felt good because I wasn't around H, I didn't have to consider his feelings, I could be myself with people I liked and who liked me. it made me feel a LOT better about myself and gave me the strength to carry on DB'ing. If anything, I wish I'd done a bit more GAL.

SO in answer to the question, yes the WAS's don't believe things will stay, that the LBS will revery back to type. They don't believe real change is possible. My H used to say "people cannot change". Now he says "people don't change because they don't want to." (ie you CAN change if you want). These are verbatum words from a former WAS.

Ignore what they say when they think you cannot change - you are going to carry on changing anyway and prove them wrong!!!!

[kissak]

They just need time. My husband said the same thing. He was afraid to get hurt again. He told me he WOULD NOT get hurt again and would not come back. 7 weeks later....he's back. He said he believed, that I believed I learned my lesson and that things would be different, but he didn't think I could stick to it. I think he is still a little afraid of getting hurt, but at least he is willing to try again. I guess it just takes some Husbands longer to get over the hurt.

[runningoutoftime]

Mepicurus,

Whenever you are near listen, ask lots and lots of questions, let her feel heard and important. Say things that make her feel more important to you or help build her up so she doesn't feel like a shadow. This will probably take time and maybe practice on your part. Usually something like this doesn't go away too quickly.

I'm having similar problems with my husband's family. I always feel like my husband puts his sisters and others first before me and because this has happened over many years, it's a long and painful problem. Oftentimes I just wish I were married to someone whose family liked me.... I have a very bad uncomfortable feeling when I'm with them.

I think you need to talk with your wife about what would make her feel comfortable. Should you visit your parents separately from her? Maybe limit the times you get together with them? How much does she want, or not want to be included? You will need to find a compromise she's comfortable with.

It's funny, I can tell you this but I'm having a hard time living it. There's a part of me that just wants to walk out of my marriage because I'm so tired of dealing with my husband's family and how they've ignored my existence for 20 years. Somehow I'm suppose to be happy spending holidays and special time with people who wouldn't care if I died tomorrow.

[mepicurus]

Yes, I recognize that this process takes time. For quite a while, my wife was involved in an EA, so I figure that the "timetable" might be a bit lengthier than I had hoped.

Now, as for what I've been doing to help, I can only say that I've been really cautious about what I say or do.

For example, I've been reluctant to ask too many questions too soon because I've been afraid to put pressure on her to come back to the relationship.

I've been practicing active listening, although mostly I try to simply listen and demonstrate my empathy.

Running, your experience would really help me to understand what my wife is feeling. She too has said that she would like a family that accepts her.

From my perspective, my family hasn't rejected her, but on the whole they have been unable to really understand how sensitive she about issues about family and self-esteem. (My wife left a very abusive family and is dealing with a childhood during which her self-esteem was constantly attacked.)

She has never wanted to talk to my Ps about this, preferring to either make simple statements (like "I has an abusive family") or to pretend that it doesn't bother her. In fact, for a while she acted this way with me.

Because of that, I have always tried to SHOW my Ps that they MUST be more sensitive, but it is difficult. They don't think they are being insensitive, and my father at least says that he loves her as a daughter.

(My mother is much more reserved, and can be off-putting. My W thinks she is cruel, but I think her behavior has a lot more to do with inability to express her feelings, especially positive ones. In any case, I won't allow any behavior that hurts my wife, and I've told both of them this.)

For the past few years, I have STRICTLY limited contact between my wife and Ps, probably mistakenly. I think a great deal of misunderstanding is at work here, and maybe some of it would have been cleared up by talking about it. But if she wanted to have nothing to do with them, I would find a way to make that work too. Actually, I try not to even bring up the topic, because it invariably angers her.

Running, I'm sorry that you feel that your H's parents "wouldn't care if you died tomorrow." I really hope that is NOT the case. As for my Ps, I don't think they feel this way, but I have no idea for how this is ever going to become apparent to my wife, given the screwed-up dynamic between them. I really can sympathize with your feeling of feeling "stuck" with crappy people, and I truly hope that I can do something so that my wife doesn't feel that any longer.


As for her feelings about being in my shadow, I've been as supportive as possible about all her plans that are independent of me or my life. For now, she sees me doing this because I "have" to, but I hope that eventually she recognizes that I'm very serious about giving her the support she desires.

I hope others weigh in here, from both sides of the experience. This is one of the major sticking points in rebuilding our marriage, and I'm sure it's that way with others.

[cat03]

given the screwed-up dynamic between them
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welcome to the club! we've got jackets. Your W at some point will have to accept that your Ps are they way they are and will never change. She might be making all sorts of assumptions too. I know I'm not crazy about my MIL and vice-versa, but we put up w/each other for the sake of H and kids. My C once told me "his mom was there before you".

Tell your wife you are aware of your P's inperfections, but that she, your W, is the woman of your life now.

And if she is open to it, I def. suggest C, my H and I benefited greatly from going to C sessions weekly after he came back. Or at least some sort of T for her.